Spyder You Aren't Here Yet

Thoughts on Sports

2007-03-26T02:23:00.000-07:00

My mom sent me this article from the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/24/opinion/24queenan.html?ex=1175400000&en=f3bd764f54038524&ei=5070&emc=eta1) about Washington state outlawing booing in interscholastic sports. At one point, the executive director of the Interscholastic Activities Association aka "The Funsuckers," Mike Colbrese, says, “I don’t know why people think it’s acceptable to boo in the first place, it’s a pretty novel concept to me.” Is it? Novel? Meaning interestingly new or unusual? (Oxford English dictionary) Mike, maybe you shouldn't be in charge of an interscholastic sports association if booing is this interestingly new concept you weren't prepared for. Besides, when are people going to learn that booing fifteen year-old girls is another way to build CHARACTER. Both for the booer and for the girl. Okay, maybe not but at the varsity level, negativity is a good thing. Both for the atmosphere and for the home team.

When I was in high school, I got yelled at a lot for being "obnoxious" during high school hockey games. At one point, a Brunswick parent tried to get in a fight with me because I was ripping on his son for about thirty-five straight minutes. He said things like, if you're so tough why don't you get down there and play. I politely told him that if he'd look at the scoreboard he'd see I wasn't needed. Still, after complaints about our "goon squad" behavior, the headmaster would make speeches about the difference between rooting for your team rather than rooting against the other team. But, this makes no sense. I would, in fact, argue the exact opposite. It may not qualify as classy, but rooting against the other team is probably the only way to help your own team. And, I'm not being facitious. Because rooting against the other team, letting their goalie know that he's a sieve and "it was all his fault," is a way to get in the other team's head. And, any time the opponents spend thinking about you and not about the game is a serious advantage for your team. I can't imagine a scenario where saying "YEA MIKE! GO FOR IT!" has ever inspired Mike to do anything. But, if during a basketball game, you let Jeremy know he's getting a serious case of Swampass, there's a good chance Jeremy's going to get self-conscious and this may allow for a couple mental miscues. If they want to ban my favorite "Ref beats his wife" cheer after a particularly bad call, go head, I can see how no one benefits from that. (Except the ref's beaten wife, did you see that horrible foul call?) If they want to stop "Get off your knees ref, you're blowing the game," fine. I disagree but, again, perhaps that doesn't have a place in high school sports. But, to stop booing, which is an easy way to let refs know they screwed up, coaches know they shouldn't have pulled their star player and BOTH teams know when they've been caught with a cheapshot is yet another example of the ridiculous pampering trend unnecessary in American sports.

-Speaking of which, Tom Verducci just had a great article (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/writers/tom_verducci/03/20/matsuzaka0326/index.html?eref=nbcsports) on Daisuke Matsuzaka, finally taking the most important angle of his arrival in the United States: his throwing regiman. For years, the one concept I haven't been able to understand about American sports is why, when athletes are consistently becoming better in every sport, why are pitchers becoming more and more vulnerable to arm injuries? Why is throwing a baseball over and over the only athletic activity that humans are getting consistently worse at? I always thought the reason might be that pitchers these days are in such better, stronger shape, they are so much more finely-tuned that it takes a lot less for something to snap. But, after reading Bobby Valentine's comments and seeing that Daisuke's arm is in perfect shape, more likely, it's that Americans pamper their pitchers. And, since they aren't trained from a young age to throw, throw, throw, when they reach the majors, many young pitchers (see Prior and Wood) break down from overusage early on. And, with the ever-increasing media ready to jump down managers throats for overextending pitchers pitch counts and with Tony LaRussa's modern bullpen, pitchers only have to go seven innings in the majors. So, with that in mind, I have an inkling that youth baseball, forever emulating the pros, isn't ready to "abuse" kid's arms and our pitchers aren't being trained correctly. For, as noted in this article, it is a simple concept. Like any thing involving muscle memory, throwing over and over helps builds muscle memory and strength. Hopefully, Daisuke can not only be an effective major league pitcher (only because he's the ace of my fantasy team, not for any of this other fluff I'm writing), he can perhaps change the downward trend in the American pitcher's endurance.

-Watched the Florida-Oregon game last night and the first half of UNC-G'town. Then, like an idiot, I decided with it being midnight, I'd better leave the bar, go to sleep and get ready for Monday morning. Only, when I got home, I realized I wouldn't be able to sleep until I knew what happened and proceeded to refresh my box score until G'Town had come back and won in overtime. Last year I wrote about the return of the center in Roy Hibbert and how silky smooth Jeff Green was. As for Hibbert, he looks more and more like an NBA player. Sure, he lumbers up the court a little but he seems to score with an array of easy post moves and as he learns to foul less, I can see him entering the league and quickly replacing Chris Kaman at the top of the 2nd tier of NBA centers. I think Hibbert will play Oden to a draw although part of me wonders if Oden turns it up a notch. Final Four, playing a legit center for the first time, I could see him having that huge statement game.

But, the real G'Town story has to be Green. Watching highlights of the second half and seeing Green's incredible ability to assert himself within the flow of the offense (a rare ability for a college player, to both take over and keep everyone involved), and comparing that to any of the Florida players I think Green will be a better NBA player than all of them. That's not a slight of Joakim Noah who I think will be a very solid pro, but rather an endorsement of Green.

-One story that isn't getting enough attention is Kobe Bryant's 50 point run. Ha. Just kidding. But, seriously, the big story in the NBA right now has to be the bottom of the Western Conference and no one seems to be talking about it. First off, there is a serious possibility we get a Suns-Lakers first round rematch which was probably the best series last year. I'm sure Raja-Kobe II would be called much tighter by the NBA but the Lakers are a team the Suns don't match up so well with and I'm sure they'd rather face the emulating run n' gun Nuggets.

As for the eight seed, I thought the only big advantage the Mavericks would get being the #1 seed was an easy first round matchup. With the Suns/Spurs being destined to play the very dangerous Kobes (Lakers)/Streetballers (Nuggets), the Mavs looked like they had a four game sweep coming against the Warriors. But, now, with the Clippers rounding into form and looking like the likely #8 seed, the Mavs no longer have an easy street 1st round. I think the Mavs will put away the Clippers in five or six but let's remember the Clippers were one game from the Conference Finals last year and still have loads of talent. As for the Nuggets/Lakers, which team would you rather play? Jack McCallum needs to run one of those choose sides things. I think, at the end of the day, I'd rather face the Lakers because they just don't have as much talent as the tattooed Nuggets. But, with Kobe on fire, and the Lakers record against the upper echelon of the West, I think both teams could push their first round foes to seven.

-Tiger Woods won again. Yawn. But, he goes and watches Roger Federer play and this is national news. I love how nonchalant Tiger is when he gives this quote in the wrapup SI article, "The difference between myself and Jordan and myself and Roger is that Roger and I play individual sports. So there's common ground there that I didn't have with Jordan. It's still phenomenal to watch. It's neat and intriguing for me to talk to him and see what he thinks on certain situations, and we pick each other's brain a little bit. People don't realize how hard you have to work off the court and off the course to achieve the levels that we've been able to achieve. It's a lot harder than people think." The difference between myself and Jordan. I mean, I guess it's true, Tiger has reached the level where he can just launch into a quote about the difference between him and Michael Jordan but I still don't feel it's right. He's Michael Jordan! For the next fifteen years, don't all quotes have to start, "It's just an honor to be mentioned in the same breath...?"

-When watching a college basketball game at Duke, whether you love or hate the Dukies, you have to admire the energy in the arena and you know it would be a better experience being there than watching on TV. I went to a Czech Republic-Germany Eurocup qualifier Saturday night which the Germans, unfortunately, won 2-1. But, what an awesome experience. I know it's cliche at this point, but the soccer crowd (even at the small Praha Sparta Toyota Arena) creates a roar unlike anything I've experienced in non-college stadiums in the U.S. I remember going to an NBA Finals game at Madison Square Garden and it was nuts, and it was loud and we booed Bill Walton which was fun but it just didn't compare to the soccer atmosphere. The stadium was just so electric, you felt like the energy on the field was being controlled by the fans rather than the rational other way around.

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In case there was any doubt...

2007-03-23T01:52:00.000-07:00

TANAKA!!!

Watch his reaction after his tip-in...Tyrus Thomas aka TAKA TANAKA!!!

Notes

2007-03-21T03:39:00.000-07:00

-Did you see that Ray Mysterio is a juicer? So, is Randy Orton? My girlfriend's crushed. She nearly killed me with her "Austin 3:16" sign when I told her Edge, her favorite, took HGH. I guess, suddenly, the WWE just doesn't seem real.

-People keep giving the NCAA tournament committee credit because the top seeds prevailed, as if this affirmed what a good job they did. Are you kidding? Without watching a minute of college basketball, I could've seeded the top teams. It's the choices at the bottom (the teams that got obliterated this year), who have the ability to shake up the tournament which matter the most.

-I was wrong about Renaldo Balkman. Isiah was right. (Although I still think Balkman is there nine picks later and the Knicks could've gone Lowry/Williams/Rondo/Rodriguez (any freakin' point guard instead of Mardy Collins) and Balkman.) With Balkman, Frye, Lee, Curry and Crawford the Knicks are like the Bobcats in terms of talent, just without the cap flexibility and the Jean-Claude Van Damme movie villain Walter Hermann.

-I love the Matt Schaub trade for the Falcons and like it for the Texans. It's too bad David Carr never got a fair shake in Houston, having to perform behind a terrible offensive line all five years and then having to be compared to Vince Young and Reggie Bush this past year. But, it was probably time to move on for the Texans and (with no statistical proof to back this up) I think getting a highly-touted backup who has been in the NFL for a few years is a better move than once again placing the hopes of the franchise on a rookie QB. Hopefully, this trade can work out for everyone involved. Carr can move to another team--wouldn't the Vikings be a perfect fit? Good offensive line, conservative game coach, a team that needs a stopgap before the Tavarias Jackson era--and become a middle-of-the-pack QB, Schaub can shine with Andre Johnson in Houston, Michael Vick finally silences the critics with Joe Horn and Bobby Petrino's high-octane offense (Why won't the Falcons trade for Randy Moss again? Especially now that they have two extra second-round picks??? If you want to find out if Michael Vick is an NFL QB once and for all, why not give him Moss and Horn?) and the Jets win the Super Bowl. What? They weren't involved in this deal?

-I've started having my typical pre-Fantasy Baseball draft nightmares. I never had those day before exams-stressed-out-where's-my-#2-pencil-dreams but every year about this time, when my work productivity is at its absolute lowest from ten to twelve hours a day of draft preparation, I wake up in deep sweats over something going wrong.

Last night, I had two. First, in my serpentine draft mixed league, my teammate Aaron and I got in the draft room late and Yahoo had autopicked two NFL defenses (Washington and Pittsburgh) in the first five rounds followed by a round six debacle where Aaron couldn't find the player we were looking for in the queue because he was looking under a "Jewish players I kinda like" category. I started screaming at him as we got stuck with Alfonso Epagulus. Whoever the hell that is.

This followed by my uncle and I bidding 33 dollars on Danny Ardoin in our NL-only Auction League, about 32 dollars too high.

Pretty standard tough pre-draft night but, hey, this is my life.

NBA Thoughts

2007-03-19T05:55:00.001-07:00

At risk of pissing off two demographics that want nothing to do with each other, I have a terrible similarity to reveal to you. The NBA is a sport with incredible, jaw-dropping athletes. NASCAR is a bunch of rednecks driving in circles. Whoops! That's not where this was going. What I meant to say was have you noticed how the Suns, Mavs and Spurs have each acted like the lead car at different times this year deflecting attention from each other? Like in NASCAR where the car that, um, well, so, they have these pit crews and, I think if you're behind another car, you can go faster or maybe it's if you have a car riding behind you that speeds you up cause of wind physics or whatever. In which case, maybe I should be comparing these NBA teams to the pace setters in the Tour de France. I don't know. I really don't care about those non-sport activities.

Here's what I'm trying to say though, with the exception of the Mavs/Suns slow starts, there hasn't been a time this year when two of the three Western powerhouses haven't been red hot. And, through the double-digit win streaks each team has had, at different parts of the year, one team has taken the lead, had every article in the country written about them and allowed the other teams to regroup.

Now, the Mavs are going to be #1 and really, I hate to say it, but that just doesn't matter.

- The NBA Cruise Control

There's been a lot made about LeBron's "regression" this year. Just looking at box scores, I wrote my Cavs-fan friend in mid-December wondering what was wrong. He blamed the rest of the roster but hinted that LeBron might just not care. He was kind of right. And, unfortunately, with the way the NBA is set up, LeBron not caring is okay.

Having played last year at an unreal clip (and still not being voted MVP), followed by two seven-game playoff series and a summer of Team USA, LeBron might've realized that trying every night would leave him burned out come playoff time. Instead, LeBron, who we wouldn't expect to be so wise at 22/23, went into Jordan mode, turning it on only when necessary. Well, not quite Jordan mode since MJ was able to pack this into each game, coasting through the first three quarters and if necessary taking over down the stretch. But, as soon as the critics came crashing onto him, LeBron responded by singlehandedly taking the Mavs in Dallas to the wire and through a eight-game winning streak vaulted a crappy Cavs team to #2 in the East. Since February, the Cavs have been competitive in every game but one (a 90-78 Detroit loss where they got as close as seven with a minute and a half left).

Is it a good thing that the NBA rewards players who don't try hard? That it, as my friend AD pointed out, continues to be the only league where guys are labeled as "hustle" players? Probably not. Most people seem to demand of athletes the Joe Dimaggio mindset of "There is always some kid who may be seeing me for the first or last time, I owe him my best." Fans will whine that they are paying high ticket prices and the least these guys who get paid so well to play a game can do is try hard. And, I'm not dismissing that as a good point. However, if the goal is to win, then over the past eight years, coasting has become an effective strategy.

Post-Jordan, only one team, the 1999-2000 Lakers, has absolutely dominated the regular season and gone on to win the championship. A few things led to this. It was Phil Jackson's first year as coach, Shaq played 79 games, winning the MVP and scoring title because without his first ring he hadn't learned about the cruise control yet and Kobe continued to improve, getting named to the All-NBA 2nd team for the first time.

But, since then, Shaq has once again changed the game. Just like when he came into the league and made the center position obsolete (until Yao every big man with talent was a "power forward"), Shaq realized (and publicly declared) that he could turn it on for the last two months of the year and win a title. Now, I believe Shaq has his reasons for this, being 7'1'' and 350 lbs, his body couldn't perform at 100% for the course of the season and as he proved the next year, when the #2 seeded Lakers went 15-1 in the postseason, being #1 didn't really matter. Since 1999-2000, eight of the twelve final contenders have been #2 seeds, only three have been #1 and only one #1 (the 02-03 Spurs who tied with the Mavericks for best overall record) has gone on to win the title.

Shaq has been called lazy, he's been criticized for not taking care of his body, people will tell you he's just a large brute, but, whatever he does works. Post-Jordan, Shaq has clearly been the most successful player with five finals appearances and four titles in that span. No player besides Kobe (who was great...but based on Shaq's three Finals MVP's was the Pippen of those teams) and Duncan(three rings) should even be mentioned in the same breath as Shaq.

The same Tim Duncan whose #3 Spurs team has been praised for limiting his, Tony Parker's and Manu Ginobili's minutes to under 35 a game to "keep them fresh" for the playoffs. Clearly, the Spurs public relations staff is the best in the league. Led by the most boring superstar alive in Duncan, the Spurs have made it seem like Duncan/Parker/Ginobili are desperate to play and it's the stern dictator Popovich who is limiting playing time against their will. But, really, is there a difference between Shaq or LeBron's coasting and Duncan's being kept "fresh?"

Shaq can turn it on. When Dwyane Wade went down with injury (Can we please remove Dwyane from any "best player" talk? I don't care what the numbers say or what his PER is, you're not the best player if your team is 26-27 when you get hurt and 10-3 since.), Shaq realized that the Heat were in serious danger of not making the playoffs and he turned it on early. Now, the Heat have gone from the fringe of the terrible Eastern Conference playoffs to a game out of first in the division.

And, as it turns out, like Shaq, LeBron can turn it on. Both men have shifted to the next gear a little early. Shaq to save his teams playoff hopes, LeBron to silence the critics. Maybe they should be chastised for not giving it their best all the time, maybe, like Kobe and his 115-points-stops-this-seven-game-losing-streak-if-you-shoot-even-once-Sasha-Vujacic-I-will-use-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chia-products-and-force-you-to-grow-facial-hair, we've entered an age where playing hard all the time is a bad idea.

When the playoffs arrive, if the Mavericks and Pistons use home court advantage to advance to the Finals, maybe we'll see another shift in effort and conservation of energy. But, I doubt it. And, based on the past five years, the #2 Suns and #2 Cavaliers are good picks to make it through.

Weaker is Better

2007-03-14T06:46:00.000-07:00

The 2006-2007 Western Conference is the strongest conference in any sport in my lifetime. Well, I shouldn't get all hyperbole on you, the NFC during the 80's/early 90's did win every Super Bowl but, in at least the past ten years, no conference has been tougher than the West this year. And, if like two of the past three years, an Eastern team takes the title after an unchallenging conference tourney, the NBA may need to step in and change it up.

In England's soccer Premiership, the team with the best record at the end of the season is the league champion. No playoffs, no tournament, the team with the best record wins. Simple. Rob Neyer, John Hollinger and other stat geeks must love this system that uses the largest sample size to decide who the best team is.

I hate it. Granted, it might be more "fair" than a team like last year's Yankees going 97-65 over 162 games only to play lousy for four games in the playoffs and be eliminated, but, playoffs are awesome and any solution must involve them. But, is there a compromise? Shouldn't there be a way to have both an effective playoff system and reward the best teams in the league?

Sure, it's conceivable, in a fair system, the Pistons could come out the winner. It's just that why don't we switch to that fair system? What would be wrong with going Premiership style and ranking the NBA teams, like they do in their own draft, 1-32 based on record? No conferences, no stupid divisions (look at the East where the Bulls are going to be ranked fifth with the 3rd best record) Top 16 teams make the playoffs. 1 plays 16, 2 plays 15, etc.

And, it's not just the NBA that needs to consider this change. If the Bears had won this past year, we'd be living in a sports world where teams from undeniably worse conferences were champions in all three major sports.

The NFL AFC this past year was comparable to the NBA West, with four teams (Colts, Pats, Ravens, Chargers) that would be favorites over any NFC representative. And, the American League last year absolutely demolished the National League in interleague play, only to send the Tigers, the worst of the four playoff representatives, to the World Series where they got beat by the worst World Series champion ever, the 83-79 Cardinals.

Tradition is wonderful and you couldn't really make this change in baseball where one league plays with different rules than the other. But, in basketball, where, like squash or tennis the better competitor should almost always win (over a seven game series), it's ridiculous to have a system that rewards teams for something as arbitrary as geographical location.

The NBA Finals team that comes out of the East this year will be fresher and will have overcome less obstacles than the team that represents the West. This isn't a prediction, this is a fact. With seven teams that could easily be #2 or #3 in the East, the West's 1st and 2nd round match-ups will mirror the intensity and skill level of the East's Conference Finals. And, if we're going to live in a media-driven world that doesn't reward the best team, but rather the one that gets out of the tournament, the NBA needs to take action and make its tournament as fair as possible.

Thoughts on Sports

2007-03-13T04:56:00.000-07:00

A lot has happened in the last week or so (including three major items to my favorite teams) and I have to weigh in.

-Thomas Jones and the 63rd pick in the draft to the Jets for the 37th pick. Everyone's calling this a slam dunk for the Jets and admittedly, looking at Jones numbers, it seems like a good deal. But, I can't help but feel a little uneasy about it. I feel the exact same as when the Indians traded Coco Crisp for Andy Marte. I see the logic, I could see it working out but I don't like it.

First, the positives: Jones has been consistently good for the Bears the last three years and if the Bears hadn't invested so heavily in Benson, the Bears would have no reason to let him go. Plus, having been a back-up or part-timer every year up until 2005, Jones is one of those backs, like Tiki Barber, who didn't accumulate a lot of tread on his tires at a young age (compare Jones to the 25 year-old, over the hill Jamal Lewis) and might not hit the inevitable 31 year-old running back wall. And, by all accounts, Jones is an incredible team-player and locker room guy. I mean, it really does say something that the other Bears players ratted out Benson leaving the field early to the press during training camp last summer in order to move Jones up to the 1st team. (http://www.suntimes.com/output/sport...pt-bear22.html)

I really feel like we're getting a poor man's Curtis Martin here. And, yeah, if you want to build a winning culture, getting a solid, good-guy running back when you have the worst running game in the league is a good thing. But, Jones is 28. And, he has one year left on his contract. And, he's not one of the best twenty running backs in the league. And, I don't think this trade moves the Jets closer to a Super Bowl. Does it make them better? I think so. But, the AFC is too loaded the next couple of years and by the time the Jets (who, we have to remember, went 10-6 on creampuff schedule, only beating one team with a winning record) could potentially turn into a powerhouse, Jones will be over the hill. I don't know. This move has the feel of building a team that will be just not good enough as opposed to a championship team. On the other hand, the young Mangini-Tannebaum tandem did a great job last year so, considering it's a move down of 26 picks, that we get a real running back to replace the Kevan Barlow mess and that we still have two second rounders, maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt.

No, I'm sorry. I can't. They're going to torture me the next eight years with teams that either overperform and get ousted in the playoffs or go 7-9 and aren't bad enough to pick up superstars through the draft. But, at least, Mangini-Tannenbaum aren't trying for short-term fixes by getting involved in this ludicrous free agency spending spree.

-Speaking of which, I read some stuff on Lance Briggs, the Bears franchised linebacker, who said he will never play another snap for the Bears or something, he's all pissed off about being tagged. And, he's right. The franchise tag is complete crap. It doesn't bother me so much that teams have the right to keep their own players, I like the idea of that. And, despite costing a few guys a couple million dollars, the rule of being paid the average of the top five guys at the position, no matter what you could get in free agency doesn't bother me either. It's part of the compromise. But, with football being such a violent game, with serious career-ending injuries just around the corner and with players having short two to three year peaks, it's completely unfair that teams only have to give franchise guys one-year deals. If I was commisioner of the NFL, I'd have great hair. Seriously, check out Roger Goodell. But, I'd also change the franchise rule to "franchise players get a salary which is the average of the top five players at their position for x number of years (somewhere from 3-5) with all the money guaranteed (or work in some sort of signing bonus thing)." I don't have all the kinks worked out but that's where this has to go.

As for free agency, how nasty an off-season have the Patriots had? Thomas, Stallworth, the underrated Walker, they have reloaded in a big, big way. I really like everything I read about Adalius Thomas and giving Belicheck one of the 5 most versatile weapons to play with on defense is scary. Last year, everyone got on them for having left-over money, for not signing Vinatieri, for letting all their wide receivers go but the Patriots were being smart. In the free agency era of sports, you can make no worse mistake than spending money because you have it, you should only spend when it's a good investment. And, how could people be getting on them? C'mon, they're the Patriots. If one thing has been proven this decade, it's that Belicheck and Pioli absolutely know what they're doing.

-In back-to-back days, the Basketball Gods had a nice laugh at my expense. Except, I really really don't think it's funny. First, Syracuse doesn't make the NCAA tournament despite every columnist in the country thinking they were going to make it. When I looked at the bracket, in the first region I saw Notre Dame was only a 6 seed and I knew that spelled doom for Cuse. My biggest issue is that not only was Syracuse getting hot late, not only did they go 10-6 in the absolute powerhouse Big East conference but they had one game all year which they weren't in (the Notre Dame 103-91, it wasn't really that close blowout). And, how does Villanova make it over them? I guess because they beat Texas but it feels like if the two Syracuse-Villanova games were switched, with Syracuse winning at home at the end of the season rather than the middle, Syracuse would be dancing.

Also, I read the Andy Katz article that starts out discussing how shocked and appalled Jim Boeheim was with Gary Walters, the head of the tournament committee, but kind of spirals into another Walters issue, the play-in game where Walter didn't assign the two worst teams as the 64-65 seed.

"Walters said the committee is sensitive to putting in two historically black colleges in the game. Jackson State (who should be playing in the game) and Florida A&M, Niagara's opponent in the game Tuesday night in Dayton, come from the two historically black colleges in the SWAC and MEAC. "

Um, are you kidding me? Race is a very sensitive issue, I understand that. But, this is March Madness, America's best competition that is supposed to decide the National Championship as fairly as possible...DON'T BRING RACE INTO IT! If two historically black colleges are the 65th and 64th best teams in the tournament, they should be the 65th and 64th seeds. That's all there is to it. And, I don't want to say it because of the implications but, also, c'mon this is basketball. The last American white NBA all-star was Brad Miller. I don't think the NCAA tournament committee needs to be sensitive to race.

-Syracuse not making the tournament sucked. It did. But, they probably weren't going to win the whole thing, so I'll get over it after this weekend. Monday's news, which I'm not sure if I'm ready to talk about, I won't get over. I know I wrote a whole article about how I was divorcing the Knicks in December but I still have feelings for them. And, I would've gotten over my Nuggets affair if Isiah had left at the end of the season. Instead, James Dolan has given Isiah a multi-year contract extension for marked improvement. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!! 29-34! Why? How has this happened? Yeah, Eddie Curry has improved. Yep, Isiah is actually doing a 6 or 7 job coaching the Knicks this year. But, can't the Knicks just make Isiah the coach and give non-draft player personnel duties to someone else? Do you see what I've been reduced to? I'd take Isiah being in the organization as a coach, I could live with that. But, to extend him three more years as President? I don't like getting all political because clearly the ramifications are much larger in the real world but this is the sports equivalent of voting for Bush again in 2004.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that James Dolan is the Jesus Camp of NBA owners. And, that this whole Isiah fiasco has turned the proud, stubborn Dolan into a monster. He no longer just wants to win, he wants to win AND be right. For, if Dolan were to fire Isiah, all those critics would say, why didn't you listen to us four years ago you idiot? Now, by declaring Isiah a success, Dolan can turn his nose up at the press, at the critics and at the fans and potentially, should the Knicks win a title, say, "See, I was right all along." Except, the Knicks won't win a title. The press is right. And, now, Knicks fans have to live with another three years of the pompous and ineffective Isiah Thomas telling them to stop questioning him, he was a Hall-of-Fame point guard. I'm glad I'm a Nuggets fan. Sort of.

-I'd take Oden over Durant if I had the #1 pick next year. Granted, the last time I remember such a heated debate over who was one and who was two, I was in the Ryan Leaf camp. That didn't turn out well. But, in the NBA, dominant centers win championships, or at least come very close. Bill Simmons, in his lovefest of Kevin Durant, who I think will clearly be a star, compared Greg Oden to the one dominant center who never won, Patrick Ewing. Simmons said of Patrick, "Ewing didn't have a dominant personality, he wasn't an alpha dog, and above everything else that's why the Knicks never won a championship during his era." Now, that's just not true. I'd argue John Starks going 3-18 in the deciding game seven of the NBA finals was a bigger reason. I'd say Ewing's peak coming during the "6 titles in 8 years" Jordan era didn't help. Maybe it had something to do with Ewing never having a great sidekick his whole career. And, I think Oden will be better than Ewing.

-Bracket thoughts. Florida, Georgetown, Texas A & M and UCLA, ship it. Georgetown or Florida wins it all, I haven't decided yet.

-BASEBALL'S COMING....A team-by-team fantasy + reality breakdown next week.

NFL MVP Wrapup

2007-01-02T02:04:00.000-08:00

If one more person comes out and says Drew Brees is MVP over LaDainian Tomlinson my head might explode. I read Peter King's MMQB religiously because underneath all his preachiness is some good ol' analysis. But, the stubborness King has displayed in his Drew Brees for MVP campaign is embarassing for one of the top analysts in the country. Here was his Drew Brees for MVP wrapup in yesterday's column:

The final straw for me was seeing the Saints, 3-13 and orphans of Katrina 12 months ago, march into the Meadowlands last week and put a 23-point whipping on the playoff-starved Giants, with Brees -- despite his receivers dropping eight first-half passes -- piloting the way. Again, my decision to choose Brees over Tomlinson is based on four things: 1) how far the Saints have come in one year (from the bottom of the NFC South and the second-worst record in football to the top of the NFC South and the second seed in the NFC playoffs) and Brees was the biggest on-field reason for the climb; 2) how screwed the Saints would be without him, with Jamie Martin or some far lesser player at quarterback; 3) how well he has played, with an NFL-high 4,372 passing yards, and performances like his five-touchdown, 377-yard strafing of the Cowboys at Dallas; 4) to a much lesser degree, how much he's meant to a wounded city. "Drew's not only the MVP of the league, in my opinion,'' said Saints GM Mickey Loomis. "He's been the MVP of our city coming back.''

Where to begin? First of all, it's clear by the tone of his writing that inside, King knows he's wrong because of how defensive he is. It reminds me of when, in the mid-90's, I would argue Ewing was better than Olajuwon or Lofton was better than Griffey. Of course, I was twelve then. Do you notice the way King starts and ends the paragraph with references to Katrina? That's something else that bothers me about him. Look, we know, Katrina sucked, New Orleans was ravaged, but I don't think Drew Brees being MVP will make the city any better and I don't think it's fair to the rest of the league to give Brees an advantage because of a natural disaster last year. Why mention Katrina, Mr. King, both as the opening and closing argument to your Brees for MVP case if it's only "to a much lesser degree" part of your case? I was taught in writing that the strongest parts of your argument should be at the beginning and at the end because, you see Mr. King, the way the human mind works, it's apt to forget items in the middle. But, don't worry, I'll get to those too.

Your point about the Giants is laughable. I watched that game in full and I know the Saints dropped eight passes, but you may have noticed, if you looked at the box score, Reggie Bush and Deuce McAllister ran for a combined 234 yards. You may have noticed that the Giants offense ran exactly ZERO plays in Saints territory. You may have noticed on the Saints killer 18 play 89 yard, 8:39 second quarter drive of the day that put them up for good before halftime, Reggie Bush ran 10 times for 70 yards. I know he handed the ball off to Bush all ten times but when Larry Johnson singlehandedly beat the Jags this past weekend did Huard and Green pilot the way? And, I think, when a team's defense doesn't allow the opposing team to cross the fifty for the last 57 minutes of the game, the Saints could've won this game with Jaime Martin at the helm. Also, it was the GIANTS!!!! These guys have been one of the ten worst teams in the NFL the last eight weeks.

Your next point, "how far the Saints have come in one year (from the bottom of the NFC South and the second-worst record in football to the top of the NFC South and the second seed in the NFC playoffs) and Brees was the biggest on-field reason for the climb" I like how the NFC gets mentioned three times. The NFC finished the season 16 games under .500 against the AFC. Did you know the Knicks were one game out of being the Atlantic Division champions and subsequent #4 seed in the WHOLE Eastern Conference? If they make that one game climb, will we be talking about the amazing turnaround Isiah Thomas and Stephon Marbury completed this year? How that is more impressive than what Dirk is doing for the best team in the west, Dallas Mavericks because Dirk's got more talent around him? I know the Saints played that last game like a preseason game but they finished 10-6...what would've gotten them tied for fifth with the Jets in the AFC. That Jets team being the guys who went 4-12 last year or one meaningless final game victory better than New Orleans. Under Kings's logic is Chad Pennington, the ultimate game-piloter, an MVP candidate? Or what about McNair, who piloted the Ravens to a more impressive seven game improvement, going from 6-10 to 13-3. Against the AFC, the Saints beat Cleveland and lost to the solid Bengals, Steelers and excellent Ravens. (Did you know the Chargers played the same four teams and actually went 3-1 against them? Interesting.) Look, I know the Chargers have more talent than the Saints but the difference between the Chargers 14-2 record and the Saints 10-6 record is the same difference between the Saints 10-6 record and the Houston Texans 6-10 record.

His next point, the "how screwed the Saints would be" point about Jaime Martin being the backup. I guess this an okay point because the Chargers backup running back is Michael Turner who is a better backup than Martin is. But, by this logic, isn't Peyton Manning the MVP? I mean, I think the Colts go 4-12 with Jim Sorgi at the helm? Or what about Tom Brady? Didn't the Patriots go 12-4 this year with a lot less offensive talent around Brady than Brees had in New Orleans? And, people seem to forget when talking about how bad the Saints were last year that Deuce McAllister, a Pro Bowl running back was out for the season. Maybe we can argue Brees is responsible for Marques Colston being good but in this past off-season, the Saints got McAllister back and picked Reggie Bush with the #2 pick. Those two guys, who could be expected to play well no matter who the QB, combined for 2562 yards this year.

His next point, King sneaks in here because he knows it's ludicrous, "how well he has played, with an NFL-high 4,372 passing yards, and performances like his five-touchdown, 377-yard strafing of the Cowboys at Dallas." Why is it ludicrous? Well, first off, shouldn't how well you've played maybe be the first criteria for MVP? And, second, if how well you've played is the criteria, doesn't the best season ever by anyone probably garner some attention over a league high passing yardage? And, I did some research on that high passing yardage Brees has accumulated. Discounting the last game where he didn't really play, in the five losses this year, Brees had 349 yards, 383 yards, 398 yards, 510 yards and 207 yards passing. So, of the eight times Brees threw for over 300 yards, the Saints went 4-4. When Brees threw for under 200 yards, the Saints went 5-0. So, maybe, just maybe, Brees' yardage doesn't have a direct correlation to Saints victory.

Meanwhile, we have Tomlinson, who, when the Chargers were 4-2, having just lost to Kansas City and sitting a game behind Denver decided to turn it on. The Chargers would go on to win their next ten ganes, In the next nine games he rushed for over 100 yards each game and he probably would've in the tenth if he hadn't been benched for a meaningless second half. During those nine games, the Chargers won six by less than ten points. Those nine games:
St. Louis, 38-24, Tomlinson 240 total yards, 3 TD
Cleveland, 32-25, Tomlinson 192 total yards, 3 TD
Cincinnati, 49-41, Tomlinson 158 total yards, 4 TD
Denver, 35-27, Tomlinson 179 total yards, 4 TD
Oakland, 21-14, Tomlinson 114 total yards, 2 TD (throws the other TD to Gates)
Buffalo, 24-21, Tomlinson 192 total yards, 2 TD
Denver, 48-20, Tomlinson 112 total yards, 3TD
Kansas City 20-9, Tomlinson 204 total yards, 2 TD
Seattle 20-17, Tomlinson 133 total yards, 0 TD

Discounting the last game, once all year Tomlinson didn't combine, through rushing and receiving to go over 100 yards. If a game in which Brees went 13-32, for 132 yards and had his second lowest rating of the year is Mr. King's final straw for why Brees should be MVP, then I guess, out of the seven games they would've lost had LT not played, I'd choose the game against the Chiefs as my "final straw" for why LT is MVP. In this game, in which Phillip Rivers went a Rex Grossman-like 8-23, for 97 yards, with 2 INT and a passer rating of 12.4, the Chargers still put up 20 points behind LT's 199 rushing yards and two touchdowns. But, if I could choose a second final straw, see because with my candidate, there's been more than that one Dallas statement game, I might go all sappy like King and choose a defining game where LT didn't even score a touchdown. A game where his qb led the Chargers to last second victory. A game, where at halftime, the Chargers led 7-0, thanks to a 62 yard run by Tomlinson. At halftime, Rivers was 1-10 for 9 yards. But, I wouldn't. I'd pick one of those seven other games where Tomlinson, passed, rushed or caught at least 3 touchdowns.

My ballot:
1. Tomlinson
2. Brady
3. Brees
4. Manning
5. L. Johnson (If Vince had won that last game and gotten the Titans to the playoffs...)

week 17

2006-12-29T01:41:00.000-08:00

hiddenhand and i tied with winning records last week, both of us going 8-6. it was truly a festivus miracle. now, with the score 8-3-4, can hiddenhand continue to close the gap before 2007?

Week 17 NFL picks

Home Winning Margin Away
Washington Redskins +2.5 New York Giants REDSKINS
Kansas City Chiefs -2.5 Jacksonville Jaguars CHIEFS
New York Jets -12.5 Oakland Raiders RAIDERS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers -3.5 Seattle Seahawks HAWKS
Dallas Cowboys -12.5 Detroit Lions LIONS
New Orleans Saints -2.5 Carolina Panthers PANTHERS
Tennessee Titans -2.5 New England Patriots TITANS
Houston Texans -3.5 Cleveland Browns BROWNS
Minnesota Vikings +2.5 St. Louis Rams RAMS
Cincinnati Bengals -6.5 Pittsburgh Steelers BENGALS
Baltimore Ravens -9.5 Buffalo Bills BILLS
San Diego Chargers -13.5 Arizona Cardinals CHARGERS
Indianapolis Colts -8.5 Miami Dolphins COLTS
Philadelphia Eagles -7.5 Atlanta Falcons FALCONS
Denver Broncos -10.5 San Francisco 49ers 49ERS
Chicago Bears -2.5 Green Bay Packers BEARS

week 16

2006-12-21T03:53:00.000-08:00

Home Winning Margin Away
Green Bay Packers -3.5 Minnesota Vikings VIKINGS
Oakland Raiders +6.5 Kansas City Chiefs CHIEFS
Atlanta Falcons -5.5 Carolina Panthers FALCONS
Detroit Lions +4.5 Chicago Bears BEARS
Jacksonville Jaguars -2.5 New England Patriots PATS
New York Giants -2.5 New Orleans Saints GIANTS
Houston Texans +9.5 Indianapolis Colts COLTS
St. Louis Rams -2.5 Washington Redskins REDSKINS
Pittsburgh Steelers -3.5 Baltimore Ravens RAVENS
Cleveland Browns -2.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers BROWNS
Buffalo Bills -4.5 Tennessee Titans TITANS
San Francisco 49ers -4.5 Arizona Cardinals CARDS
Denver Broncos -2.5 Cincinnati Bengals BENGALS
Seattle Seahawks +4.5 San Diego Chargers CHARGERS
Dallas Cowboys -6.5 Philadelphia Eagles COWBOYS
Miami Dolphins -2.5 New York Jets J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

The Divorce

2006-12-21T01:05:00.000-08:00

Growing up in upstate New York, with an uncle who went to Syracuse, I had two basketball loves as a child. The Knicks and the Orangemen. Although both broke my heart repeatedly, I would go outside and, emulating them, miss the game-winning shot--only to be fouled and if I missed the free throw, What? Another lane violation on Bill Wennington?--with Lawrence Moten, Xavier McDaniel, Hubert Davis, and my two favorite teammates, PATRICK Ewing--announced like the PA announcer from the Garden--and John Wallace. When John Wallace got drafted by the Knicks, it was like learning about the reese's cup vanilla ice cream blizzard; these things can go together?

I still remember, not being allowed tv as a youngster, shooting koosh balls at my nerf hoop in my room as Walt Frazier described John Starks, Doc Rivers, Greg Anthony or Derek Harper swishing and dishing on the baseline to the Oakman, to the ugliest man alive, the freight train Anthony Mason or for a Rolando Blackman dunk. I remember skipping family outings to watch Derrick Coleman or Billy Owens take on the hated Huskies of UConn.

I've defended the 2-3 zone to the death. John Starks dunk over Horace Grant and Jordan (okay, not really Jordan) is the greatest in-game dunk of all-time. Still. I've worn high socks for Moten throughout my playing days. Hubert Davis was fouled by Scottie Pippen. And, if not, whatever, Jordan got away with murder. Otis Hill should've been drafted. The handcheck rule put in by the NBA because the 90's Knicks were ruining basketball was bullshit. The Knicks weren't thugs, they were finding a way to win within the rules-personal aside, I don't know whether I was picked by my favorite teams or I was attracted to guys who seemed to, I wouldn't use the word cheat, but found all the allowed advantages within the rules. I loved Ricky Henderson's so crouched batting stance that he had a miniscule strike zone, I loved the way the Knicks beat up their opponents, I like the part of sports that are non-robotic. It's why I liked Agassi more than Sampras, why I liked the shoot-from-the-hip Tiger Woods much more than this new doesn't pull out the driver if he doesn't need it Tiger, why I actually rooted for Jordan over the pick-n-roll, pick-n-roll Stockton and Malone. I like Sneaky. But, I LOVED THE SCOTTIE PIPPEN CLOTHESLINE.

I hate Charles Smith.

I could go on and on but here's where this is going. When Melo won the Syracuse championship as a freshman over my least favorite team, Kansas coached by my least favorite coach Roy Williams, it was the first championship a team I cared about won. And, yes, in order, for most of my life, my favorite teams would probably go:
1. Jets
2. Knicks
3. Indians
4. Syracuse basketball

But, they still made the list. Gerry Mac and Warrick were great but I swore I'd buy a Melo jersey for whatever team he got drafted. It was the Nuggets and I bought a powder blue Nuggets Melo jersey that despite being scrawny I wore on occasion.

I'm not the most faithful fan. I admit that. It's one of my shortcomings as a human being. Maybe it's because all my teams always lose and I like to have someone to root for but I have a couple other teams that I've been known to sleep with for a post-season or whatever. Unfortunately, these teams usually suck too. For instance, in the NFL, my #2 is the Bengals (cause of the helmets). When the Jets are out of it, I root for the Bengals, I used to root for the Oilers and the Bills. Basically, the NFC won every Super Bowl while I was alive and I rooted for the AFC every year up until that point. And, that year, Elway was in the Super Bowl so I probably rooted against him. I think the only team I actually kind of liked that has won a Super Bowl in my lifetime was, actually, I've hated all of them. In college basketball, my great-uncle from Arizona, the infamous Uncle Izzy would send me newspaper clippings about Mike Bibby starting when Bibby was a freshman in high school so I cheated on the 'Cuse a little when Bibby was at Arizona. And, I'll admit it, I fell for Duke a bit when I was at some family event with some guy from American Express who's daughter is named Madison and I snuck away and BAM, the Laettner shot. In baseball, I'm the least faithful. See, I LOVE the National League and all it stands for (Of course, I don't like the Cardinals but alas.). So, I root for the Indians in the AL and I root for the Dodgers, Cubbies and Mets in the NL. And, of course, anyone playing the Yankees. Really, the problem is, I've been playing fantasy sports since I was eight and they have ruined me a bit-not that I would trade it for the world-but I would probably rather see the Broz Boyz win my NL-only auction league than the Indians win the World Series. The only team this doesn't apply to is the Jets. I would take a J-E-T-S Super Bowl victory over time travel.

So, where am I going with this? Well, after the Ewing era, after the loss to the Spurs in the 2nd post-Jordan finals--the final game, game 5, which I attended courtside, then went to dinner at a 10,000 dollar a pop champagne French restaurant where I sat next to and chatted up a Swedish jeans model for two hours and couldn't have cared less that the Knicks had lost--my relationship with the Knicks began to fade. As the story shows, girls were becoming more important and I wasn't willing to sit in the same uncomfortable position for an hour because when I switched to it, Oakley had hit a flat-footed jumpshot, stolen the inbounds and hit another one. Basically, like any relationship, we were headed from a peak to a valley. But, I'm no fair-weather fan. I've stuck with the Jets through the Rich Kotite era. Through everything. I bleed green. But, the Jets have never EVER reached this much of a low. Even during the aforementioned 4-28 Kotite era, we were gathering draft picks, we got Keyshawn. It was only two years.

But, the Knicks, oh, the Knicks, maybe it's because I play fantasy sports, because I've wanted to be a baseball GM or basketball GM for as long as I've wanted to be the shortstop or point guard but I can't take the Knicks any more. See, I thought Scott Layden was the worst GM ever, I actually investigated to see if he had a vendetta against the Knicks. Was it on purpose? Every move he made was the wrong one. It's one thing to have a long-term plan, another to have a short-term plan but to consistently hinder both the long-term and short-term progress is inexplicable. I've explained before the problem with the goal being "Just making the playoffs," because missing this goal barely leaves you in that terrible no man's land where you won't get a high enough draft pick to get a difference maker, you don't make the playoffs, you're stuck in quicksand mediocrity. Then they fired Layden. Finally. Only to replace him with Isiah who has somehow been worse. Despite having an incredible nose for drafting talent, Zeke has made so many bad moves (culminating in the dumping of the Jalen Rose expiring a contract, a piece that may or may not have helped to bring in Iverson), it will go down in history as the most mismanaged franchise ever. The Knicks outspend everyone. By a lot. What people don't seem to realize is, they are like the Yankees when it comes to resources. But, somehow they've used those resources to be one of the three to four worst teams in the NBA. Can you imagine if the Yankees spent all that money and then were consistently worse than the Devil Rays? Not just once or twice but for a whole decade? The "Just make the playoffs" mantra has gotten so bad, it's made me despise that #8 seeded Knicks team that made the Finals. For, maybe, if they lose 1st round, we wouldn't have to hear "If you make the playoffs anything can happen" bullshit that Thomas continues to spew.

There has only been one team that I have divorced. When people ask how I became an Indians fan-a fair question considering I'm from New York where two teams reside-I always tell the "Worst team money could buy" story about the 1992 Mets. I talk about the drug problems and about how Vince Coleman once threw firecrackers at little kids. About the awful Bobby Bonilla. About how, I decided as an 8-9 year-old that I couldn't root for these guys anymore. Forced to pick a team, and already hating the Yankees, this also happened to be the first year I played fantasy baseball with my dad. We happened to pick Kenny Lofton and Albert Belle. I decided to go with the Indians, who in 1992 showed promise but it wasn't like jumping on a bandwagon. The Indians would go on to break my World Series heart twice, my infatuation with Kenny Lofton hit heights never before seen (including the notable magic marker "Lofton 7" on my little league jersey) and I would end up defending Chief Wahoo to my 1/32nd Native American history teacher Mr. Wilkerson.

So, how come, if at age 8-9, I was smart enough to divorce a team because they reached such a low am I too dumb to do so now? The 1992 Mets, as it turns out, weren't the worst team money could buy. Nope, that title has been snatched from them by the unfathomably bad Knicks. Over 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. How come sports teams are different? Why am I only a true fan if I love the Knicks no matter what? When people ask me who my team is in basketball, I used to say "THE KNICKS," then, "the knicks," then "i guess the knicks" now, "i hate the knicks but technically they're my team."

I just don't love them any more. I'm sorry. We had some good times. But, I'm sorry Knickerbockers. It's over. For the past three years, I've been cheating on you with the Nuggets. And, the Suns. And, since Darko went to the Magic, I've been rooting for them too. It's just that I hate every Knick besides Lee, who I don't hate but don't like, Robinson for his dunk over Spike Lee and not much else. See, most Knick fans are rooting against the Knicks because they want Isiah to be fired but, thanks to the Eddie Curry trade, I don't even see the point in that. We can't have a higher pick than the Bulls this year so in the deepest draft ever, we don't even get rewarded for our losing. I can't take it any more.

I have a theory in basketball. Only franchise guys can win championships. Besides the Pistons of two years ago, since 1991--when I began having formative thoughts about the NBA--only franchise guys have won. Jordan, Hakeem, Jordan, Duncan, Shaq/Kobe, Duncan, Pistons, Duncan, Wade. Free agency can help you find that last piece but you really have to get lucky in the draft. With the exception of Nash, no NBA team has entered elite status without finding at least one franchise guy in the draft.

Elite teams/teams I think have a chance:
WEST:
San Antonio: Duncan (Manu and Parker were also drafted)
Dallas: Dirk (Howard was also drafted)
Phoenix: Nash/Amare/Marion (Only Nash was a free agent)
Houston: Yao (McGrady was a great pickup in a trade but Yao is the monster in the middle)
LA: Kobe
Other: Brand (drafted) Utah (don't believe it)

EAST:
Cleveland: LeBron
Miami: Wade
Detroit: The Exception
Orlando: Howard
Chicago: Heinrich, Deng, Nocioni (drafted)

So, when five years ago, as the Knicks were sacrificing more and more of their future so they could suck in the present, Kiki Vandeweghe stood up in front of the Nugget faithful explaining why he was going to blowup the team, I had never respected a GM more. The Knicks have been needing to blow it up since 1998. In order to win a championship in the NBA, you almost always need a top five pick and cap room for some complimentary pieces. The Nuggets did that. I loved it. They ended up with Carmelo, even better. And, now, they've added the final piece. Iverson. They're going to be fun to watch, they're going to compete for a championship and it's all because five years ago, Kiki decided to blow it up and start over. Of course, Kiki was fired for his actions because he made a couple mistakes along the way, the same reason GM's are terrified to go through this process, but for the next ten years the Nuggets will have a chance.

Here's an important excerpt from the Sam Walker, author of "Fantasyland" article on ESPN page 2.

What are your favorite lame song-and-dance lines when explaining to non-fantasy players why fantasy baseball is actually cooler than they think it is?

This is not an argument you can win very often. I once tried to explain my book to the Slovenian guy at the deli where I get my egg sandwiches in the morning. He didn't get it. I think he still thinks that I actually played for the Yankees in 2004.

But if someone seems like they could be persuaded, I tell them this: fantasy baseball is The American Way. Think about it: baseball may be our national pastime, but it's a totalitarian state. The owners are basically dictators and there's an antitrust exemption that shields them from market forces.

Being a fan of one team alone is sort of like being a vassal. You buy the overpriced gear, you pay $50 for a ticket to the megapark and, if you're really a "true" fan, cheer your little heart out no matter how many rockhead moves the GM makes. Your team could trade Albert Pujols for a cocktail waitress and a 1982 Pontiac Fiero and there's not a thing you can do about it. In return for this blind fealty, you're given a 1-in-30 chance your team will finish the season a champion.

If you have a Roto team, none of this applies. You're an entrepreneur with full executive powers. If one of your outfielders is dogging it? Trade him. If your late-round pitching sleeper wins the Cy Young? Take all the credit for yourself. If you play in a traditional league, you have a 1-in-12 chance of winning the title. And you don't have to walk around in the same stupid Tigers jersey all summer (not that I've done this). So that's the best argument I can think of. Fantasy baseball is capitalism!

I have agreed with just about every move the Nuggets have made the past five years including them drafting my favorite player. I have disagreed with every move the Knicks have made over the past eight years, most notably, trading away their draft pick when Greg Oden and Kevin Durant (two of those potential franchise guys) are coming into the league. So, after all this, I hope you understand why I'm divorcing the Knicks. And, marrying the Nuggets. I hope this marriage lasts a lifetime.

week 15

2006-12-14T08:54:00.000-08:00

another week, another one game victory, 8-2-3. hiddenhand is going to have to spend the next couple years coming back from this deficit.

Home Winning Margin Away
Seattle Seahawks -9.5 San Francisco 49ers 49ERS
Atlanta Falcons +3.5 Dallas Cowboys FALCONS
Baltimore Ravens -11.5 Cleveland Browns RAVENS
New Orleans Saints -9.5 Washington Redskins SAINTS
Buffalo Bills -1.5 Miami Dolphins DOLPHINS
Chicago Bears -13.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers BEARS
Tennessee Titans +3.5 Jacksonville Jaguars TITANS
Minnesota Vikings -3.5 New York Jets JETS
New England Patriots -11.5 Houston Texans TEXANS
Green Bay Packers -5.5 Detroit Lions PACKERS
Carolina Panthers +2.5 Pittsburgh Steelers PANTHERS
Arizona Cardinals +2.5 Denver Broncos BRONCOS
Oakland Raiders -1.5 St. Louis Rams RAMS
New York Giants -5.5 Philadelphia Eagles GIANTS
San Diego Chargers -8.5 Kansas City Chiefs CHARGERS
Indianapolis Colts -3.5 Cincinnati Bengals BENGALS

week 14

2006-12-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

After another .5 point victory over Hiddenhand, I've clinched the regular season skins title with a current record of 7-2-3. Now, I'll just try and run up the score in case we do this for our lifetime and there's a cumulative thing going on.

Thu 8:00 Pittsburgh Steelers (BROWNS)
-9.5 Cleveland Browns

Sun 1:00 Jacksonville Jaguars
+2.5 Indianapolis Colts (COLTS)

Sun 1:00 Houston Texans
+1.5 Tennessee Titans (TITANS)

Sun 1:00 Kansas City Chiefs
-1.5 Baltimore Ravens (RAVENS)

Sun 1:00 Cincinnati Bengals
-10.5 Oakland Raiders (BENGALS)

Sun 1:00 Washington Redskins
+0.5 Philadelphia Eagles (SKINS)

Sun 1:00 Detroit Lions
-2.5 Minnesota Vikings (VIKINGS)

Sun 1:00 Miami Dolphins
+3.5 New England Patriots (PATS)

Sun 1:00 Carolina Panthers (PANTHERS)
-2.5 New York Giants

Sun 1:00 Tampa Bay Buccaneers (FALCONS)
+3.5 Atlanta Falcons

Sun 4:05 Arizona Cardinals (SEAHAWKS)
+3.5 Seattle Seahawks

Sun 4:05 San Francisco 49ers (PACKERS)
-5.5 Green Bay Packers

Sun 4:15 New York Jets (BILLS)
-4.5 Buffalo Bills

Sun 4:15 San Diego Chargers (BRONCOS)
-7.5 Denver Broncos

Sun 8:15 Dallas Cowboys (BOYS)
-6.5 New Orleans Saints

Mon 8:30 St. Louis Rams (BEARS)
+6.5 Chicago Bears

week 13

2006-11-30T08:16:00.000-08:00

last week's mediocre matchup between hiddenhand and myself came down to the wire. 7-8 v. 7-8, i have the packers + 10.5 at seattle, pack loses by 10, i win again. i'm now 6-2-2 on the year against the hand. he needs at least a tie this week to stay alive.

Thu 8:00 Cincinnati Bengals
-3.5 Baltimore Ravens BENGALS (cause I think I pick them every week)

Sun 1:00 St. Louis Rams
-6.5 Arizona Cardinals CARDS (cause why not)

Sun 1:00 Chicago Bears
-9.5 Minnesota Vikings VIKINGS (cause Grossman is an idiot)

Sun 1:00 Buffalo Bills
+5.5 San Diego Chargers CHARGERS (cause of LT)

Sun 1:00 Tennessee Titans
+7.5 Indianapolis Colts COLTS (cause it's under 10...although I'm tempted by the football LeBron...VY)

Sun 1:00 New Orleans Saints
-7.5 San Francisco 49ers 49ERS (cause of the constanza rule)

Sun 1:00 Cleveland Browns
+3.5 Kansas City Chiefs CHIEFS (cause they play to win the game)

Sun 1:00 Green Bay Packers
+1.5 New York Jets J-E-T-S JETSJETSJETS (cause of the chant)

Sun 1:00 New England Patriots
-13.5 Detroit Lions PATS (cause they blow out bad teams)

Sun 1:00 Washington Redskins
-1.5 Atlanta Falcons FALCONS (cause i think i pick them just about every week too)

Sun 4:00 New York Giants
+3.5 Dallas Cowboys GIANTS (cause of the constanza rule)

Sun 4:05 Oakland Raiders
-3.5 Houston Texans TEXANS (cause of Andre the Giant, the most unnoticed stud in football)

Sun 4:05 Miami Dolphins
-1.5 Jacksonville Jaguars JAGS (cause how long can harrington last?)

Sun 4:15 Pittsburgh Steelers
-8.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers BUCS (cause ward and polamalu are out)

Sun 8:15 Denver Broncos
-3.5 Seattle Seahawks SEAHAWKS (cause the broncos have been getting killed lately by the run and are starting a rookie qb. let me pause for a second here, i absolutely killed cutler before the draft but now that every single person is loving him i'm starting to doubt myself. i was wrong about leaf-manning so i have no right to dissect nfl draft qb's. that being said, cutler still seems mroe testerverde-like to me than favre. but he may be one of those too stupid to realize the pressure/gravity of the situation good athletes, i hope he's terrible.)

Mon 8:30 Philadelphia Eagles
+3.5 Carolina Panthers PANTHERS (cause McNabb is hurt)

week 12

2006-11-23T00:42:00.000-08:00

i don't know what happened last week, who cares damnit? (you can't say damnit on the air) ah, no one's listening anyway monty.

Thu 12:30 Detroit Lions
+2.5 Miami Dolphins FINS

Thu 4:15 Dallas Cowboys
-10.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers BUCS

Thu 8:00 Kansas City Chiefs
+0.5 Denver Broncos CHIEFS

Sun 1:00 Cleveland Browns
+3.5 Cincinnati Bengals BENGALS

Sun 1:00 St. Louis Rams
-5.5 San Francisco 49ers 49ERS

Sun 1:00 Baltimore Ravens
-2.5 Pittsburgh Steelers LERS

Sun 1:00 Washington Redskins
+4.5 Carolina Panthers PANTHERS

Sun 1:00 New York Jets
-5.5 Houston Texans TEXANS

Sun 1:00 Buffalo Bills
+3.5 Jacksonville Jaguars JAGUARS

Sun 1:00 Atlanta Falcons
-3.5 New Orleans Saints FALCONS

Sun 1:00 Minnesota Vikings
-6.5 Arizona Cardinals CARDS

Sun 4:05 San Diego Chargers
-13.5 Oakland Raiders CHARGERS

Sun 4:15 New England Patriots
-3.5 Chicago Bears BEARS

Sun 4:15 Tennessee Titans
+3.5 New York Giants GIANTS

Sun 8:15 Indianapolis Colts
-9.5 Philadelphia Eagles COLTS

Mon 8:30 Seattle Seahawks
-10.5 Green Bay Packers PACKERS

week 11

2006-11-17T07:47:00.000-08:00

another hard earned victory over hiddenhand, 7-9 vs. 6-10.
Sun 1:00 Miami Dolphins
-3.5 Minnesota Vikings DOLPHINS

Sun 1:00 Cleveland Browns
+3.5 Pittsburgh Steelers LERS

Sun 1:00 Tampa Bay Buccaneers
-3.5 Washington Redskins BUCS

Sun 1:00 Philadelphia Eagles
-13.5 Tennessee Titans TITANS

Sun 1:00 Green Bay Packers
+6.5 New England Patriots PATS

Sun 1:00 New Orleans Saints
-3.5 Cincinnati Bengals BENGALS

Sun 1:00 Houston Texans
-2.5 Buffalo Bills TEXANS

Sun 1:00 Carolina Panthers
-6.5 St. Louis Rams PANTHERS

Sun 1:00 Baltimore Ravens
-4.5 Atlanta Falcons FALCONS

Sun 1:00 New York Jets
+6.5 Chicago Bears JETS!!!!

Sun 1:00 Kansas City Chiefs
-11.5 Oakland Raiders RAIDERS

Sun 4:05 San Francisco 49ers
+6.5 Seattle Seahawks HAWKS

Sun 4:05 Arizona Cardinals
-2.5 Detroit Lions LIONS

Sun 4:15 Dallas Cowboys
+3.5 Indianapolis Colts COLTS

Sun 8:15 Denver Broncos
-2.5 San Diego Chargers BRONCOS

Mon 8:30 Jacksonville Jaguars
-3.5 New York Giants GIANTS

week 10

2006-11-09T09:21:00.000-08:00

full slate of games, i have to recover from last week's debacle, and skins loss to hiddenhand. 4-2-2 is not nearly as fearsome as 5-1-2. home teams on the left.

Minnesota Vikings -5.5 Green Bay Packers - vikings
Detroit Lions -5.5 San Francisco 49ers - 49ers
Atlanta Falcons -7.5 Cleveland Browns - falcons
Cincinnati Bengals +1.5 San Diego Chargers - bengals
Jacksonville Jaguars -10.5 Houston Texans - jags
New England Patriots -10.5 New York Jets - jets
Philadelphia Eagles -6.5 Washington Redskins - eagles
Tennessee Titans +7.5 Baltimore Ravens - ravens
Indianapolis Colts -12.5 Buffalo Bills - colts
Miami Dolphins +3.5 Kansas City Chiefs - chiefs
Oakland Raiders +9.5 Denver Broncos - broncos
Arizona Cardinals +6.5 Dallas Cowboys - cowboys
Pittsburgh Steelers -4.5 New Orleans Saints - steelers
Seattle Seahawks -3.5 St. Louis Rams - rams
New York Giants -2.5 Chicago Bears - giants
Carolina Panthers -9.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers - bucs

i have no real idea. i'm confident on one of these. which one? i'll tell you monday.

week 9

2006-11-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

last week, an abysmal 5-9 still got me a tie with mr. hiddenhand. that puts me at 4-1-2 on the year. home teams on the left:

rams -2.5 chiefs - CHIEFS
bucs +1.5 saints - SAINTS
giants-13.5 texans - GIANTS
bills -3.5 packers - PACKERS
redskins +3.5 cowboys - COWBOYS
lions +5.5 falcons - FALCONS
jaguars -9.5 titans - JAGUARS
ravens -3.5 bengals- BENGALS
bears -13.5 dolphins - BEARS
49ers +5.5 vikings - VIKINGS
chargers -13.5 browns - BROWNS
steelers -2.5 broncos - STEELERS
pats -2.5 colts - yikes. i'm rooting for the pats, but COLTS
seahawks -7.5 raiders- HAWKS

week 8 picks

2006-10-26T09:05:00.000-07:00

i have three fantasy football leagues, two serious ones. since arriving at prague i'm 0-6. so, all that's left is kicking hiddenhand's ass at picks. 4-1-1. overall 44-40. home teams on the left, picks in caps.

philly - 5.5 jags - EAGLES
packers -3.5 cards- CARDS
chiefs -5.5 seahawks- SEAHAWKS
bears -16.5 49ers - wow, no clue. just flipped a czech coin, ran into problems because i didn't identify heads and tails. i'll say BEARS
saints -2.5 ravens - RAVENS
titans - 3.5 texans - TEXANS
giants -9.5 bucs - BUCS
bengals -4.5 falcons - FALCONS
chargers -8.5 rams - RAMS
broncos - 2.5 colts - COLTS
raiders +8.5 steelers- LERS
browns -1.5 jets- JETS (Jets are 4-3, lost on the last possession to pats + colts and we're underdogs to the browns?)
panthers -4.5 cowboys- PANTHERS
vikings +3.5 pats - PATS

a lot of picks i'm not comfortable with.

week 7 picks

2006-10-19T07:49:00.000-07:00

terrible week last week, 5-8, still beat hiddenhand who went 4-9...that puts me to 35-36 on the year, but in skins play, my record against hiddenhand is 3-1-1.

Chiefs +5.5 Chargers - CHARGERS
Bucs +5.5 Eagles- EAGLES
Texans + 9.5 Jaguars - TEXANS
Dolphins -4.5 Packers - PACKERS
Bills +5.5 Pats - PATRIOTS
Bengals -3.5 Panthers - PANTHERS
Falcons +1.5 Steelers - FALCONS
Jets -3.5 Lions - JETS
Browns +5.5 Broncos - BRONCOS
Raiders +3.5 Cards - CARDS
Colts -9.5 Redskins - COLTS
Seahawks -6.5 Vikings - VIKINGS
Cowboys - 3.5 Giants - COWBOYS

week 6

2006-10-12T10:00:00.000-07:00

or my first post from prague. for time's sake, i will simply capitalize the team i'm picking. last week, i went 8-6 and lost to a 9-5 hiddenhand.

Sun 1:00	St. Louis Rams	+3.5	SEAHAWKS
Sun 1:00	New Orleans Saints	+3.5	EAGLES
Sun 1:00	REDSKINS	-9.5	Tennessee Titans
Sun 1:00	Baltimore Ravens	-2.5	PANTHERS
Sun 1:00	Detroit Lions	+1.5	BILLS
Sun 1:00	FALCONS	-2.5	New York Giants
Sun 1:00	Dallas Cowboys	-12.5	TEXANS
Sun 1:00	BUCS	+6.5	Cincinnati Bengals
Sun 4:15	JETS	-2.5	Miami Dolphins
Sun 4:15	San Francisco 49ers	+10.5	CHARGERS
Sun 4:15	'LERS	-6.5	Kansas City Chiefs
Sun 8:15	BRONCOS	-15.5	Oakland Raiders
Mon 8:30	Arizona Cardinals	+10.5	BEARS

week 5

2006-10-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

another 7-7 week bringing my record up to a not so impressive 22-22, still with a three game lead over hiddenhand.

home team on left.

saints -6.5 bucs (bucs)
packers +3.5 rams (rams)
giants -4.5 redskins (giants)
colts -18.5 titans (titans)
bears -10.5 bills (bears)
panthers -8.5 browns (panthers)
pats -9.5 dolphins (dolphins)
vikings -6.5 lions (lions)
49ers -3.5 raiders ('9ers)
jaguars -7.5 jets (jags)
cardinals +3.5 chiefs (cards)
eagles -2.5 cowboys (cowboys)
chargers -3.5 steelers ('lers)
broncos -3.5 ravens (broncos)

WEEK 4 PICKS

2006-09-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

After I struggled last week, going 6-8 (and 0-2 with so-called lock picks), I'm looking for a rebound. Hiddenhand also went 6-8 so I still lead in an NL Central-like fashion with a 15-15 overall record.

This week:

AT Carolina -7.5 New Orleans- SAINTS (I think Carolina will probably win, maybe I'm stupidly jumping on the Saints bandwagon but didn't the Saints look real good on Monday night? Isn't Bush/McAllister/Colston/Horn a legit offense? I think New Orleans will at least cover if not win outright.)

AT Atlanta -7.5 Arizona- FALCONS (I don't know, maybe it has something to do with Kurt Warner fumbling that snap last week and the rest of the Cardinal veterans asking for the Leinart era to begin. Kurt Warner can find a way to lose a football game like nobody's business right now.)

San Diego -2.5 AT Baltimore - CHARGERS (Because I like Shawn Merriman more than Ray Lewis and I thought the Ravens looked awful against the Browns last week. I'm probably wrong on this one.)

AT Buffalo -1.5 Minnesota- VIKINGS (Lock #1. So, Minnesota beats two really good teams in Washington and Carolina and then loses a heartbreaker to the Bears and they are an underdog to a Bills team that just lost to the Jets?? I don't get it.)

Indianapolis -9.5 AT New York J-E-T-S- I'm picking the JETS!!!!!! Cause, why not, that's why. Maybe Manning will destroy us like he always does and Coles might not even play but who cares, go Jets. They're gonna win outright, shock the world. SUPER BOWL BOUND.

AT Kansas City -6.5 San Francisco- CHIEFS (Because I think they're going to win anyway and with Gore questionable and Davis out, I don't know if San Fran's Offense has what it takes this week to save their defense from a coming off bye week Larry Johnson that will probably go for 180 and three td's.

Miami -3.5 AT Houston - DOLPHINS (The Texans are awful, Mark Brunell, f'ing Mark Brunell made a fool of them so even Daunte can do the same. But, for some reason I have a feeling this could be the week Gary Kubiak realizes he has no running game, puts Carr in a no-huddle 4 Wide set and gets into a shootout. With Carr playing well, I don't have much confidence in this pick.)

Dallas -9.5 AT Tennessee- COWBOYS (Despite the Titans covering last week, despite the T.O. drama, I think Dallas' D is great and they are going to give Collins fits. We'll probably see some T.O. garbage time this week.)

AT St. Louis - 5.5 Detroit- LIONS (Maybe because Mike Martz will want to give it to his old team, maybe because the Rams seem like the most inconsistent team in the NFC, but I think the Lions pull one out this week. I like Roy Williams and K. Jones to absolutely blow up.)

Jacksonville -2.5 AT Washington- JAGUARS (LOCKLOCKLOCK- I just talked to two of the most overconfident optimistic Skins fans I know and both of them don't think they have a chance this weekend. Why would they? I like the JAGUARS in a close one but not 1 or 2 points close.)

Cleveland -2.5 AT Oakland- BROWNS (The Browns just hung with a very good Ravens team, Romeo Crennel is a good coach, the Raiders are in total disarray. I think the Browns should be favored by seven.)

AT Cinci -6.5 New England - BENGALS (The Bengals look like the Colts from last year, most balanced, deepest offense in football with a pretty good defense to match. I don't think many teams are going to play the Bengals within a touchdown. Plus, the Pats' secondary is all banged up so this could get ugly.)

AT Chicago -3.5 Seattle- SEAHAWKS (I might be underrating the Bears, but I watched that Hawks-Giants game last weekend and the Hawks looked to me to be the team to beat in the NFC. They scored with ease without much help from Alexander and the Defense shut down the Giants for the first three quarters while it was still a game. The Bears have a great D, but the Hawks are going to go to a 4-wide set that will neutralize the Bears linebackers, putting Chicago in consistent nickel and dime packages.)

At Philadelphia -11.5 Green Bay - EAGLES (11.5 is an awful lot against Brett Favre. I could see this game being about 38-10 going into the 4th quarter and Favre either chucking up like 200 4th quarter yards and 3 td's or throwing a few picks but the ol' gunslinger will be playing from behind, that's for sure.)

Week 3 picks

2006-09-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

Week 3 NFL picks
Home teams on the left. Currently, I hold a 2 game lead over hiddenhand with a 9-7 record.
Minnesota Vikings +3.5 Chicago Bears BEARS (ESPN had a feature last night on how Rex Grossman was maybe the best Bears quarterback of all-time, or at the very least, he should be mentioned in the same breath as Jim McMahon. Let's take it down a notch guys. I think the Bears are going to have a great season, only to once again lose in the playoffs because of shoddy QB'ing.)
Miami Dolphins -10.5 Tennessee Titans DOLPHINS
Tampa Bay Buccaneers +3.5 Carolina Panthers PANTHERS (If Steve Smith isn't playing, I would like to reserve the right to switch picks, but I don't think that's part of hiddenhand and my agreement.)
Detroit Lions -6.5 Green Bay Packers LIONS (I'm picking too many road teams this week and Brett Favre has slowly entered a place only Lord Voldemort has gone before.)
Buffalo Bills -5.5 New York Jets BILLS (I want the Jets to win this game, I think they can play the Bills close and with J.P at the helm, I'm not sure the Bills should be favored by more than a field goal against anyone. But, I have to keep reminding myself that the Jets are awful and the only team we beat, was the Titans who I'm picking to lose badly to the Dolphins who the Bills beat last weekend.)
Houston Texans +3.5 Washington Redskins REDSKINS (Even if Mark Brunell is in a wheelchair by game's end, and that is a real possibility, the Redskins cannot go 0-3. Portis is back and they're too good with him playing.)
Indianapolis Colts -6.5 Jacksonville Jaguars COLTS (One of my biggest pet peaves was out in full force last Monday night during the Steelers-Jaguars game. The ESPN crew must have mentioned 15-25 times that the Jaguars were only respected in Jacksonville and the national media doesn't know how good they are. The Jaguars feel this was their coming out party to the national media and everyone thought their 12-4 record was a fluke. Who does ESPN think the national media is? They have taken sports to a whole new level (the ESPN credit card just came out), they report that people are tired of the T.O. saga as T.O. continues to be a lead story for every Sportscenter. Stop pretending that ESPN isn't the biggest player in the game. If the national media has missed out on how good the Jaguars are, it's because ESPN has missed the boat, not anyone else.)
Pittsburgh Steelers -2.5 Cincinnati Bengals BENGALS (Here's the thing. I don't like how banged up the Bengals are. I shouldn't bet against the 'Lers at home. This is one of those games where the Bengals feel they have a lot more to prove, they are going to be extra fired up in the media all week and then Sunday will come, they'll make a couple overaggressive mistakes, Pittsburgh will get the lead and start to do that ball-control offense that drives everyone crazy beating Cinci like 24-10. That's probably going to happen. But, I really like Chad Johnson. And, I really want the Bengals to win. So, I'm picking them.)
Cleveland Browns +6.5 Baltimore Ravens RAVENS (My lock pick)
Seattle Seahawks -3.5 New York Giants SEATTLE (The Hawks have looked terrible so far and the Giants are coming off a "we can do anything now victory." But, Seattle's still 2-0 and they're going to keep the hegemony in the NFC all year. Plus, they never lose at home.)
Arizona Cardinals -4.5 St. Louis Rams ST. LOUIS (I have no idea. The Rams lost in San Francisco last weekend, what makes me think they can beat the Cardinals, a team that beat San Francisco the week before? I don't know.)
San Francisco 49ers +6.5 Philadelphia Eagles EAGLES (McNabb picks himself up and destroys the 49ers.)
New England Patriots -6.5 Denver Broncos PATRIOTS (Until further notice, until they start getting the respect they deserve again, the Pats will be my pick in these games with under touchdown spreads.)
New Orleans Saints +3.5 Atlanta Falcons ATLANTA (Lock #2. Michael Vick is becoming unstoppable again. Enjoy it.)

How I Lost my Will to Live

2006-09-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

http://youtube.com/watch?v=KOtW4EeeBrs&mode=related&search=

A little competition

2006-09-14T13:28:00.000-07:00

After I saw hiddenhand.blogspot.com had posted picks for week 1 of the NFL season and had gone 12-4 against the spread, I felt like challenging him to a rest of the year competition (here's hoping he got his best week out of the way early.)

Home team on the left

Baltimore Ravens -11.5 Oakland Raiders BALTIMORE
Minnesota Vikings +2.5 Carolina Panthers CAROLINA
Cincinnati Bengals -10.5 Cleveland Browns CINCI
Chicago Bears -8.5 Detroit Lions DETROIT
Philadelphia Eagles -3.5 New York Giants NYG
Miami Dolphins -6.5 Buffalo Bills MIAMI
Green Bay Packers +1.5 New Orleans Saints REGGIE BUSH N' THE SAINTS
Indianapolis Colts -13.5 Houston Texans INDY
Atlanta Falcons -4.5 Tampa Bay Buccaneers TAMPA
Seattle Seahawks -6.5 Arizona Cardinals SEATTLE
San Francisco 49ers +3.5 St. Louis Rams ST. LOUIS
Denver Broncos -10.5 Kansas City Chiefs KC
New York Jets +5.5 New England Patriots PATS
San Diego Chargers -11.5 Tennessee Titans San Diego, which of course in German means a whale's vagina.
Dallas Cowboys -5.5 Washington Redskins REDSKINS
Jacksonville Jaguars +1.5 Pittsburgh Steelers THE 'LERS

I have absolutely no experience picking games and very little confidence on most of these, if I was forced to bet my life savings on one game, I'd probably take St. Louis -3 in San Fran or Baltimore -12 against Oakland. (I switched to the Pats and Panthers in the last two seconds.)

The Last Stop on the Baseball Cabooze.

2006-09-13T14:00:00.000-07:00

NL WEST

5. Colorado- Let's get this out of the way. They are cheating in Colorado with that humidor. Whatever it's doing, it's working too well and I don't buy that crap that they're just making the balls in Denver the same as everywhere else. Or, if it is true, then the huge dimensions of Colorado are making old Pinball city into a boring pitching park. I'm sorry, maybe I'm wrong, maybe Jeff Francis, Aaron Cook and Jason Jennings have defied gravity and history in becoming a solid front three for the Rockies. But, based on the fact that they are Jeff Francis, Aaron Cook and Jason Jennings, I doubt it.

According to Baseball America, the Rockies have one of the top five farm systems in baseball, they might even be ranked as high as #2 this off-season. To be honest, I don't really get it. Troy Tulowitzki is going to be a very solid shortstop and he is already showing signs in his September callup. But, Ian Stewart, the Rockies #1 prospect coming into the season had a down year and once he is moved from 3rd base to either left or right field, he won't have nearly as much value. The reason Stewart is being moved, major league 3rd baseman Garrett Atkins, along with OF Matt Holliday form a good start to the Rockies lineup.

Here's the thing with the Rockies. They're all a bunch of crazy Christians. And, they are having an identity crisis with their new pitcher's ballpark. You can't turn an entire organization on it's head like they did with the humidor without being unprepared to fill the team out properly. Obviously, pitching is pitching and like every other organization the Rockies have been trying desperately to stockpile it. But, with the huge dimensions at Coors Field, defense becomes a much bigger priority and the Rockies need to acquire an Andruw Jones, get to anything center fielder. If they can do this, they can remain competitive in a not so great division...for the next year until...

4. Arizona- One of my favorite teams in the league right now because of how unbelievably nasty their farm system is. The Diamondbacks stayed in contention for a little too long this year but now that they're out of it, we are getting a quick preview of what's to come. Uber-prospects Stephen Drew, Carlos Quentin and Chris Young are already playing regularly for the big league team. With the expected improvements of these guys and the young 1B Conor Jackson, the Diamondbacks will have a great core to go along with try-hard guys and great defense guys like Eric Byrnes, Orlando Hudson and Johnny Estrada. I excpect Arizona to contend for an extra month next year before taking over the division in 2008. In 2008, when P Micah Owings can join Brandon Webb on top of the staff, and the DBacks sort out whether Carlos Gonzalez or Justin Upton will be playing in the OF, the other traded for value, the DBacks will be loaded. Here's a quick rundown on what all these guys are projected to turn into in the big leagues.

C: Johnny Estrada or prospect Miguel Montero. Either way, you're going to get a .300 hitter with good defense. Montero might have a little more pop and more patience at the plate.
1B: Conor Jackson, not your prototypical 30HR, 100RBI first baseman, but in this lineup, it won't be necessary. Jackson, as he fills out, will be a .300, 20 home run Lyle Overbay/Mark Grace.
2B: Right now, Orlando Hudson. With Brandon Webb and Owings both sinkerballers, having the best defensive 2nd baseman in the game is quite a luxury.
SS: Stephen Drew, unless he turns into his brother, will be an absolute stud. Projects to an over .300 hitter, with 30HR power and a good glove.
3B: Chad Tracy should rebound from this year and settle into being a .280, 25 HR hitter.
OF: Here's the real drama. What do you do when you have four of the top fifteen prospects in the game and all four play in your outfield? Carlos Quentin and Carlos Gonzalez are going to be .300, 30HR guys and Chris Young projects out to be a .275 30-30 guy playing gold glove center field. On top of that, Baseball America's #2 prospect heading into this season, 19 year old Justin Upton has been described as a blend of Bo Jackson and Alex Rodriguez. His ceiling, his expectations border on the unreachable. The "if he doesn't go 40-40, he's a disappointment," type of level.

So, the future is bright in Arizona. If they can put together a solid bullpen, they should be good for a while.

(Fantasy update. While rehasing the key Soriano for Peavy and Luis Gonzalez trade that ruined our season, one of the fellow owners threw out this theory in regards to Luis. A player knows the date he is going to be tested for steroids a month ahead of time. So, he stops using for a month or however long is necessary and as soon as the test is over, he gets right back on the juice. I think it's fair to say Luis Gonzalez fits this model perfectly. He had played in 43 games, and was hitting .292, wity 5 HR and 24 RBI's when we traded for him. In 29 games for us, he hit .214 with 0 HR and 7 RBI's. We drop him for the returning from injury Derrek Lee. He responds by hitting a home run the following day and a week later he is picked up by another team and has proceeded to go .300 with 9 HR and 25 RBI's for them. Now, thanks to the MLB package, I saw a lot of torturous Luis Gonzalez at bats during the stretch he was on our team. And, he would make perfect contact with the ball and drive it to the warning track. Then, all of sudden, those fly outs are gaining ten-twenty feet and becoming home runs? JUICE.)

3. San Francisco- G'luck this year Giants! The Astros to the extreme, the AARP Giants are going to be blown up after this year and for at least a couple years, they are going to be cellar dwellars in the post-Bonds era. At least, they seemed to have the steal in the draft in former University of Washington strikeout king Tim Linecum. So far in the minors, Linecum, a small Roy Oswalt type, has 48 strikeouts in 27 innings. Pair him with the always improving, soon to be an ace fireballer Matt Cain and crafty lefty Noah Lowry and the Giants have a core of guys, who if healthy could form a nice staff. But, with no real stud positional players in the minors and thirty and forty year olds holding most of the key roles on the big league club, the rebuilding process in San Francisco will be a long one.

2. San Diego- No team has broken the Broz Boyz hearts quite like the San Diego Padres. It all started on draft day when, with one pitcher left to fill out our roster, with more money then everyone else left at the draft due to poor planning, we debated the merits of Oscar Villareal's 2 wins (because our auction is held a week into the season) vs. the supposedly fixed Dewon Brazelton. Brazelton was a huge prospect and the quote that ran through all our heads was "the guy with the best changeup on this team is no longer Trevor Hoffman, it's Brazelton." He had won the 4th spot in the rotation and pitching in the spacious Petco, he could be ready to show why he was a top pick in the amateur draft. Screw the two wins, we'll take our chances. Villareal went on to win 7 games in about a month and a half, vulturing wins left and right. Brazelton pitched in two games for us. Game 1's line at Petco against the Rockies:

2.1IP 11 Hits, 2BB, 9ER

Game 2 at Florida:

4IP 6Hits, 4BB, 8ER

So, for that one dollar, he contributed 6.1IP, with a mind boggling 24.16 ERA and a 3.63WHIP. THANKS DEWON!

In attempting to recover, we traded for Jake Peavy. I also went against my gut, smokescreened and took Peavy over Travis Hafner in my mixed league draft. But, the trade for Peavy in the NL only league is more important. Not only did we give away Soriano who is having the best fantasy season (considering 2B eligibility) since early not walked too often uber-Bonds, but when we traded for Peavy, he had just struck out 16 Braves. Then, within the week after we get him, he complains about his arm, stops throwing side sessions..

Date OPP G GS CG K W L SV BS IP H BB ER HR BF K ERA WHIP
May 28 STL 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 0 5.0 9 0 6 2 25 6 10.80 1.80
Jun 6 @MLW 1 1 0 0 0 1 0 0 3.2 7 1 5 1 19 3 12.27 2.50
Jun 11 FLA 1 1 0 0 0 1 0 0 5.0 8 3 6 1 24 10 10.80 2.20
Jun 17 @LAA 1 1 1 0 0 1 0 0 8.0 4 2 3 2 31 7 3.38 0.75
Jun 23 SEA 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 8.0 6 0 1 0 29 9 1.13 0.75
Jun 29 OAK 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 6.0 7 2 3 0 26 8 4.50 1.50
Date OPP G GS CG K W L SV BS IP H BB ER HR BF K ERA WHIP
Jul 5 @PHI 1 1 0 0 0 0 0 0 7.0 6 3 3 0 28 9 3.86 1.29
Jul 16 ATL 1 1 0 0 0 1 0 0 6.0 9 5 7 2 31 7 10.50 2.33
Jul 21 @SF 1 1 0 0 0 1 0 0 4.0 9 2 7 0 24 3 15.75 2.75

Thanks Jake! Peavy would, like Roy Oswalt before him, eventually turn it around but it was much too late for el Boyz de Broz.

As for the real Padres, they have a nice balance of young and old, a good pitching staff, a solid manager and I think they will hold on to be the wild card team. If Peavy can get 2003 Josh Beckett hot for a few weeks, then the Padres could cause serious damage in the National League playoffs. But, if he stays inconsistent, they will fall apart.

1. Los Angeles- With one of the top farm systems in baseball starting to pump out major league contributors along with a few great acquisitions performing well, the Dodgers have gotten hot of late and pose the NL's best threat against the Mets. Unfortunately for LA, they are last in the NL in home runs and are dependent on small ball rallies to score runs. Having small ball ability, in my opinion, is crucial to postseason success. To beat a pitcher like Pedro or Carpenter when they are on they're game, a bunt here, a steal there and you can get a couple runs on the board without a long fly. But, having no real power threats can get you killed and puts even more pressure on the pitching staff. Pressure, I wouldn't feel comfortable putting on Penny, Maddux and Lowe.

I'm not just saying this because he's my all-time favorite player, but throughout his career, when Kenny Lofton has been paired with another speedy type of player, the results have been astounding. And, with Furcal and him at the top of their order, the Dodgers have the pesky factor down. In order to be competitive this year, they are going to need JD Drew to stop being the biggest bum in sports and start hitting the home runs he was signed to hit. Without a big bat, the solid average Garciaparra, Jeff Kent types won't be enough.

But, the future is bright! Along with Florida and Arizona, the Dodgers boast the best young talent in the league. Next year, Matt Kemp and James Loney will be starting along with Andre Ethier and stud catcher Russell Martin. Considering the Dodgers willingness to be players in the free agent market and their solid talent already locked up for next year, the Dodgers will be perennial contenders for the rest of the decade. I think we could see more than a few Mets-Dodgers playoff series between now and 2010.

Baseball 5

2006-09-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

NL Central

Before we begin, I would like to ask ESPN to stop reading my column and then passing my own thoughts off as their own. After the "Sports Guy" steals my lunatic fan of each team in the booth announcing games idea, "Buster Olney," writes this:

I watched some of Felix Hernandez's start and he is right to be mad about losing. He had great stuff, generally dominated the game, but made a small handful of mistakes. I can't remember an instance this season where a pitcher's final line failed to reflect how the guy threw more than in this case. He was exceptional for about 95 percent of his pitches, and still gave up seven runs.

Here's what I wrote in Baseball 3 a few days before.

You see, Hernandez doesn't have bad outings, he has bad innings if that makes any sense. When you see his line the following day, and it lists 7IP 5ER, 10 hits and walks, you think, wow, he got bombed. But, from what I can tell, when he starts to lose it, when people get on base, he gives up big big innings or a crushing home run. Likely, of those seven innings, he gave up one four run innning and was pretty dominant the rest of the time.

C'mon Buster, you're better than that.

Two more quick non-baseball notes before we get started. Watched some of the FSU-Miami game last night, I think college football made a Huh-UGE mistake with the rule changes to the clock. With time now starting on a change of possession, a team's three timeouts no longer can shorten a possession to 25-30 seconds. Now, they are forced to call a timeout after punting it away (which is absurd) and they only have two left, one after first down, one after second down and they are out forty seconds after third down. So, due to this rule change, when a team is behind with 1:20 or less, they have to go for it, no matter what the on the field situation or timeout situation. Also, with first downs now only stopping the clock temporarily, the college game is less exciting and the degree of difficulty for a comeback increases significantly. Why would you want that? Take last year's epic USC-Texas game. This year, Carroll would just punt and Young wouldn't have enough time to go down the field. Yawn.

Tiger has entered that special place. I've been there in scrabble, boggle and freecell, but the only national athletes I've seen in this zone for this extended a period of time are Pujols, Bonds, Kobe, Jordan, Mike Richter (that year the U.S. won that tournament in Canada) Larry Johnson and Roger Federer. Even if you don't like golf, start watching, he's en fuego.

6. Pirates- 14 straight years of losing and counting! The Pirates are really bad, again. But, there may be light at the end of the tunnel. Remember in 2003 when the Tigers went 43-119? In the midst of that bloodfest, a few positional players were growing into bigger roles and more importantly, Bonderman, Maroth, Rodney and Robertson were getting pounded. But, the Tigers kept sending them out there and fastforward a couple years, Rodney is a serious weapon in the pen, Bonderman has turned into a stud, Maroth into a servicable starter and Robertson's an underrated, good #4 pitcher. The Pirates are going through this same process with their pitching staff. Zach Duke, Paul Maholm, and Ian Snell now have a full year of pitching under their belts and Tom Gorzelanny got a good taste for the big leagues. Next year, all of them should improve and if by 2008, one of these guys breaks out in a big way and the rest of the them turn into Robertson/Maroths, the Pirates will be in great shape. If superprospect, 2006 #4 overall, Brad Lincoln is ready to contribute by then, the Pirates might have one of the best staffs in the NL. With a couple highly regarded positional prospects moving up their minor league system and with Bay/Sanchez, I think the Pirates will be legitimately good in a couple years.

(Fantasy update, in my NL only league where we were loaded in hitting going into the season, we drafted both Oliver Perez AND Paul Maholm this year. We cut both of them before April was over, getting our pitching off to a great start.)

5. Cubs- Poor Chicago, 98 years and counting. How are there still Cubs fans? And, lots of them. Seriously, if the point of the game is to win, and no one under 100 can remember the Cubs winning (and it may be doubtful that anyone over 100 remembers too), at what point do you give up?

In writing about Santana/Liriano, I already expressed my belief that with two stud pitchers at the top of their game, any team can more than make up for their shortcomings. And, this is what makes the Cubs 2006 season especailly sad. I know that it was foolish to come into this season expecting anything from "Mr. Glass" Kerry Wood and the "Eternal Question Mark" Mark Prior. But, what if? Carlos Zambrano has been one of the three best pitchers in the National League this year. If either Wood or Prior had been able to give the club #2 stuff, the Cubbies could've won their division. Instead Prior went 1-6, with a 7.21 ERA and Wood pitched a total of 19 2/3 innings. Add on Derrek Lee's season ending injury and the poor Cubs had no chance. So, where to go from here?

And, that's the problem isn't it? Assuming Wood leaves his past behind him and departs as a free agent, the "what ifs" fall on the eternal question Mark. If Prior was able to put together a healthy-Prior like season next year, then the gameplan for the Cubs would be to re-sign the redhot Aramis Ramirez, maybe make a run at a Soriano or Carlos Lee and take your chances. But, if the Cubs can't count on Prior for anything, then in order to be competitive, the Cubs are a top starter, a top bat and some depth away. If it was me, I'd pray the Marlins fire Girardi, scoop him up in two seconds, gamble on Prior and hope that if he crapped out again, Rich Hill, Wade Miller or Angel Guzman could fill in admirably. With Ramirez, a healthy D. Lee, Michael Barrett and either C. Lee/Soriano, the Cubs offense could go from worst in the NL this year to a club strength next year.

(Fantasy update, I should mention, of course, that D. Lee was on our team and we are to blame for his crushing wrist injury)

4. The Brew Crew- First order of business, go back to the old uniforms. I've probably seen about ninety four glove making the m-b logo hat for every one regular brewers hat. The MB thing was clever.

With Fielder, Weeks, Hall and Hardy forming a top NL infield and with the major league ready Corey Hart and Tony Gwynn Jr. ready to contribute in the OF, the Brewers need maybe one more big bat in the lineup. (I don't think Kevin Mench is that bat.) Unfortunately, the Brew Crew are in a similar what if position as the Cubs are in regards to the dominating-when-healthy-but-brittle Ben Sheets. If Sheets can put a full year together in front of the most consistent pitcher in the NL Chris Capuano (he leads the NL in quality starts), the Brewers have the makings of a real pitching staff. Dave Bush has been incredibly unlucky this year with a top 3 WHIP but not a great ERA and I think Doug Davis will rebound and be solid next year. Along with Tomo Ohka or a couple of their very solid pitching prospects, the Brewers could have a great staff. So, with a little luck, Beerfest Milwaukee could contend for the wide open 2007 NL central.

(Not surprisingly, one relevant fantasy Brewer has gone down for the season, Rickie Weeks...our starting second baseman. The one light admist the hell that was our pitching staff was Chris Capuano. Watched a lot of his starts this year, Capuano is the new Andy Pettite, a great lefty #2 with the best pick off move in the majors.)

3. Houston- Well, that was fun. And, now it's over. With the exception of "Just put the bat down" Lance Berkman (Watch the next time a Berkman home run plays on sportscenter. Better than any bat flip celebration, any Sammy Sosa hop is Lance Berkman placing the bat down gently after he hits a ball 500 feet), the Astros bring next to nothing to the table offensively. Ausmus and Everett are the worst hitters at catcher and shortstop respectively. Jason Lane and Morgan Ensberg have proven to be inconsistent don't count on us busts and Craig Biggio is no longer useful on the road. The wheels have fallen off Brad Lidge so the bullpen is no longer a strength and when Clemens and Pettite retire after this season, the staff won't be that great either. Enjoy the cellar Astros fans, you'll be there for a while.

(Fantasy update, this is where the real fun begins, we drafted Adam Everett this year and enjoyed his .209 avg until we couldn't take it anymore and cut him. In addition, we drafted Lidge, ruined his career but somehow managed to trade him for Roy Oswalt on May 2nd. On May 2nd, Oswalt was 4-1 in 6 starts and he was going to turn around the Wins category for us having won 20 games each of the past two years. Instead, feeling the Broz Boyz curse, Oswalt went 2-6 over his next 13 starts including the longest winless drought of his career. Having fallen too far behind in wins, era and whip we were forced to trade him and he has responded by going 5-1 since.)

2. Reds- You can't fault a guy for trying. And, GM Wayne Krivsky really wanted to fix the springing leak that was his bullpen. But, although improved, the bullpen still doesn't turn games into seven inning affairs like Shields-Rodriguez do for Anaheim or Rincon-Nathan do for the Twins. And, Felipe Lopez and Austin Kearns for Gary Majewski and Bill Bray will act like a noose around Krivsky's neck slowly tightening with each loss until he can't escape it and he's fired. He should look to Steve Phillips for guidance. (GM of the infamous, short-sighted Scott Kazmir for Victor Zambrano trade)

So, after losing nine of their last ten, the Reds have fallen two games under .500 and into fourth in the wild card chase. Barring a serious turnaround (not bloodly likely), all the shortsighted, short-term moves by Krivsky will be in vain. Luckily for Krivsky, he has an ace, a pitching savior sprinting through the minors, with a great baseball name to boot in Homer Bailey. This kid will be up and dominating major league hitters Justin Verlander style next spring. Put him in front of Harang and Arroyo and you have a servicable if not slightly above average NL staff. With Dunn, Encarnacion, the revived B. Phillips, Freel and a semi-healthy for two years Ken Griffey Jr., the offense will not be a problem. So, Reds fans, you can look forward again to another year of coming close and falling short.

1. St. Louis Pujolses- Seriously, without Prince Albert, the Cardinals would be with the Cubs and Pirates at the bottom of the division. With Pujols and Cy Young favorite Chris Carpenter, this team is an exact replica of the 2003 Uber-Bonds + Cy Young candidate Jason Schmidt San Francisco Giants. Tony LaRussa hasn't gotten nearly the credit he deserves as a possible manager of the year candidate. It's eerily similar to Bobby Cox's job last year with the Braves. (I'd still vote for Girardi but LaRussa would be second) Jim Edmonds has given them nearly nothing. Mark Mulder has been worse than nothing. Jason Marquis has been operating with a near 6 era, Jeff Weaver/Sidney Ponson have been dreadful in the #5 spot, Jason Isringhausen has blown nine saves, but somehow they keep plugging along. LaRussa has managed to mix and match and the Cardinals are playoff bound.

Pujols is the MVP. Ryan Howard deserves a lot of credit for what he's doing in Philadelphia and Beltran has been phenomenal playing CF in New York, but Albert Pujols is the MVP. When the statistics are as similar as they are going to be for these guys, it comes down to aura. And, Pujols is a modern day Joe Dimaggio or Ted Williams. He has more home runs than strikeouts! That's incredible.

(Fantasy update, our big move was to spend 47 of our 260 dollars on Pujols. What a great buy. But, my uncle became too attached to Sir Albert and it hurt us. The team that is now in first place by a healthy margin offered us Ryan Howard and Carlos Zambrano for Pujols and B. Tomko near the end of April. Pujols, at this point, had 14 homers and 36 rbis and it felt like 120 homers and 240 rbis was a real possibility. Howard had only 5 homers, 12 rbis and Zambrano had no wins and a 5.35 ERA. I thought we had to do it, my uncle wanted to keep rooting for Pujols. Oh well, who could blame him?)

Beisbol Cuatro

2006-08-28T09:14:00.000-07:00

Una post en espanol para mi ventilladores del mexico.

NL EAST:

5. Washington. My hometown team. (I was lying about the Spanish, lo siento Mexico.) I've been to RFK six times (that I can remember) this year and in those six games Alfonso Soriano has homered in four of them (including a three homer game), had a four hit game(all doubles and triples) and one 0-4 (against Pedro.) He has been electrifying. Add the Soriano-Wilkerson trade on to the somewhat sketchy fleecing of the Reds mid-July and it's hard to find fault in Jim Bowden's work. But, I can.

Depsite the extra ticket sales Soriano provides and the two draft pick compensation the Nationals will get when he leaves, it was crazy to hold on to him this July. Maybe the market just wasn't there but from all reports Bowden's asking price was sky high and he was unwilling to trade Soriano for anything less than your two top prospects. Now, the Nats will be left with the public relations nightmare when he leaves this summer. Not only are they stuck in between an old crappy ballpark and a city-paid-for six hundred million dollar revenue machine of a new park, they are going to be on television this upcoming year for the first time. And, the product, without Soriano, is going to be pretty lame.

Ryan Zimmerman is great. It's crazy to think that Zimmerman is probably the third best young third baseman in the game and the third best in his own division. In the same game Soriano hit the three home runs, Zimmerman made one of the plays of the year in a full extension layout dive away from the plate over the shoulder catch on a flare to left field. With his growing power, great fielding and work ethic I think Zimmerman is the kind of guy you can build a team around. Unfortunately, he's about the only good thing left with the Nats. Their only solid prospect is Larry Broadway, an average 1B prospect with no future in the organization because of Nick Johnson. Austin Kearns, Jose Vidro, Felipe Lopez and Johnson are good, solid players but with no pitching to speak of (besides for Cordero and the out for the year John Patterson), the Nats are the NL equivalent of the Royals. Just far, far, far from playoff contention. In fact, disregarding payroll, which a fifth biggest market Washington team should be sturdy in, the Nats are probably in the worst position of any major league franchise. But with former Braves President Stan Kasten and former Arizona Diamondback chief scout Mike Rizzo, the Nats have a strong braintrust and I think they could get on the right track quickly.

(I should mention that I drafted Soriano late in my mixed league and had him in my NL-only league only to trade him on draft night in the mixed league. But, still, I could go to games and watch him have the best fantasy hitting season in the past ten years for my NL team. Instead, come May, with our NL only team dominating most of the hitting categories, we were proposed Jake Peavy and Luis Gonzalez for Soriano. Soriano had been on an absolute tear and we figured his value could never get higher, plus there was a chance he would be traded to the AL, losing all value. My gut said, wait a week but we thought Peavy and Gonzalez was too good to pass up. Peavy would strike out 16 Braves the Monday after we consumated the trade and then he complained about his elbow, shoulder, forearm, every worst thing you can hear and he would go on to get shelled for two straight months. We'll get to Peavy in part 6. Gonzalez, well, he sucked for two months, and we dropped him for the returning Derrek Lee. Gonzalez hit a home run the following day followed by a two month hot streak. We'll get to him too.)

4. Atlanta- Gosh, is there any sure jinx quite like writing a book about your own greatness? I mean isn't that sure to blow up in your face? Mr. Schuerholz did just that and the Braves are experiencing their first down year in 15 years. And, to be subjective, if just for a second, I LOVE IT. F%$% THE BRAVES!!!

Andruw Jones is one of my favorite players. And, I like Renteria too. Also, I once heard John Smoltz on Dan Patrick's radio show and I found him to be very thoughtful. But, Chipper's "I live for this" commercial makes me want to gag, Marucs Giles seems like a steroid abuser, and no one else on their team is worth writing about. (That's not totally true. It's worth mentioning that young catcher Brian McCann, despite getting no press, is having as good an offensive season as Joe Mauer.)

The Braves are in trouble. Despite all my negative comments about his book, Schuerholz is a brilliant GM. So, maybe he'll figure out how to field a very competitive team again. But, with his new limited payroll and not much in the minor league system, I think the Braves are in for a few year rebuilding process and I wonder if the great Bobby Cox is up for that. It seems like they either totally overhaul, rebuilding around McCann, Franceour and the aging Chipper or they try to trade off Smoltz and Andruw for multiple major league ready parts that can be put in to the lineup next year and make a difference. Not sure what they'll do, but they'd be smart to consider that the Mets are built to be very strong the next couple of years and the Marlins/Phillies probably have more pieces right now. Wouldn't be a bad time to rebuild.

3. Marlins- Maybe Joe Girardi is just a total prick. Maybe, behind the scenes, he's giving everyone in the front office wedgies, bullying them into giving him their wives phone numbers and he's impregnated half the staff's spouses, he's got a sign on his office door, straight from Haywood of Major League I fame, "How's your wife and my kids?" Maybe. But, even then, I have a hard time imagining how the Marlins front office could possibly be considering firing this guy.

Girardi has to be the frontrunner for manager of the year. At the beginning of the season, most prognosticators had the Marlins finishing not only dead last in the NL East but being the worst team in the National League after the fire sale that took place this winter. Instead, they are in the thick of the wild card chase, with a young overperforming pitching staff (I wonder if they benefit from having a cerebral ex-catcher for a manager?) and an exciting lineup.

To put this in perspective, this past offseason, they replaced seven of their eight regulars, all of whom are starting on other teams. Paul LoDuca with Miguel Olivo, Carlos Delgado with Mike Jacobs, Luis Castillo with Dan Uggla, Alex Gonzalez with Hanley Ramirez, Mike Lowell with Josh Willingham, Juan Pierre with Reggie Abercrombie and Alfredo Amezaga and Juan Encarnacion with Jeremy Hermida. Only Miguel Cabrera remains. This doesn't even get into losing Beckett and Burnett.

I love how the Marlins rebuild. I think it's the only way to do it. Don't lie to your fans, trying for the middle ground, trying to make the playoffs while at the same time keeping an eye on the future. Just slash payroll, get the best prospects you can and suck for a couple years. On the bad end of this, you suck for more than a couple years, but with good talent evaluators, the Marlins have truly been rebuilt overnight and they have to be considered serious contenders for the wild card and the division the next couple of years.

Also, I know all the press in New York loves to talk about the exciting "best young" left side of the infield the Mets have in David Wright and Jose Reyes. And, those guys are great. But, Miguel Cabrera and Hanley Ramirez have been a better combo this year and are at least comparable in the upcoming future. With Hermida coming along and Willingham, Uggla, Jacobs and Olivo all looking like solid contributers, the Marlins simply need the pitching to be consistent to compete. And, they have it. The best young NL staff is, by far, Dontrelle Willis, major league ERA leader Josh Johnson, Scott Olsen, Anibal Sanchez and the solid Ricky Nolasco. With one more year's growth, this staff could really shine next year...as long as the front office isn't stupid enough to get rid of Girardi.

(One more Marlins note. Miguel Cabrera is wildly underrated. Even all the trade talk surrounding him and Willis somehow got focused on Willis. Maybe because of Willis' great personality. But, Willis is an inconsistent #3 pitcher and Cabrera is the best player under 25 in baseball. He and Manny Ramirez share a lot of the same qualities and I think that turns people off. But, I wish analysts would pay him more attention and instead of using the term "professional hitter" in regards to scrappy white guys like Reed Johnson, they should place it on the superstars like Ramirez, Pujols or Cabrera.)

2. Philliies- I was having a conversation with a couple of my colleagues the other day and I was trying to defend my beloved National League. It started off something like this:

Me: Bates Stamping, totally!
Greg: And, I was like in a 2 inch binder? Are you joking? Uh, hello, I think that would only fit in 3.
Me: HAHAHAHAHHAHAH!
Greg: The AL is so much better than the NL.

Ever since Mr. Simmons started referring to the NL as Quadruple-A, a term one of my colleagues tried to pass off as his own, (This is one of my biggest pet peaves. Everyone our age who knows what the internet is and has a favorite team in any of the three major sports reads Sports Guy. Plus, he writes opinions not truths. So, a, don't try to steal his opinions and use them as if his thoughts are your own and b, these are opinions not FACTS.) (By the way Bill, in regards to your article about Brewers-Astros and how only Berkman could play for either the Yankees or the Red Sox...what about Bill Hall over Alex Gonzalez or Willie Tavares over Coco Crisp or Roy Oswalt/Andy Pettite/Roger Clemens/Ben Sheets on either rotation, and these are not even two good NL teams) (this sentence was at "pass off as his own" when it got rudely interrupted by three parentheticals) it's been very difficult to defend the NL. The American League is better and there are a lot of reasons for it. But, the biggest is the DH.

I made the point to my Yankee/AL loving coworkers that three of the top 5-6 hitters in the AL this year are Hafner, Ortiz and Thome. When you add an extra 140 home runs, 500 rbis just from those three players, it can really swing the balance between leagues. When compared to the hitting production most NL teams get from their pitchers, it can create a drastic difference in lineup depth. Pete, the same guy who was passing off Simmons thoughts as his own, said my argument was crap. He argued that if those guys were in the NL, their teams would find a place for them and therefore we need to compare the worst hitter in an AL lineup, whether they were a light-hitting shortsop or a defensive catcher to the NL pitcher and so on. This was like tic tac toe breaking down the computer in war games, it pretty much gave me a brain freeze it was so stupid. Um, Pete, if I could just refer you to the Phillies who were forced to trade Thome to the White Sox for the inferior Aaron Rowand in order to make room for Ryan Howard.

The Phillies are the perfect example of why in the 21st century the National League is going to be at a supreme disadvantage. With teams putting more emphasis on larger than life, patient sluggers and less attention being paid to athletic defenders, the NL has less positions to put the boppers. If the Phillies were an AL team, they would've DH'd Thome and kept both him at Howard, putting Delucci in center. Compare what the Phillies lineup would've been like vs. the current White Sox lineup that is second in the majors in runs scored.

SS: Rollins CF: Podsednik
2B: Utley 2B: Iguchi
RF: Abreu RF: Dye
1B: Howard DH: Thome
DH: Thome 1B: Konerko
LF: Burrell C: Pierzynski
CF: Delucci 3B: Crede
C: Lieberthal SS: Uribe
3B: D. Bell CF: Anderson

I'd argue the Phillies lineup would be better and to compare the Thome-Howard Phillies to the Thomeless + Rowand White Sox isn't even close. Instead, the Phillies got off to bad start and were forced to send Abreu to the rich getting richer Yankees and the exodus of National League talent continued.

1. Mets- I really really really really really really really really really hope the Mets win the World Series. But, I don't see it happening. Despite having the best lineup (by far) in the National League, Pedro and Glavine are both hurting and I don't see how the Mets could beat whomever comes out of the AL.

But, Omar Minaya has done an incredible job and Willie Randolph is the perfect manager for this team. Even if the Mets are saddled with a couple bad contracts in the next couple years, they have a new ballpark coming, they are clearly the cream of the NL and have set themselves up to be perennial contenders for the rest of the decade. With Wright, Reyes, and Beltran the Mets will always be competitive. If they can sign Matusaka or Zito this offseason I could see the Mets turning into the NL version of the Yankees.

Signing Delgado was the key move, he's a smart, confident guy who wasn't going to be rattled by New York. And, his effect on Reyes and Beltran has been alarming. Beltran, after an adjusting to New York, getting booed by the fans year (I started that. Seriously, I went to a Mets game, Beltran was on my fantasy team and I started letting him have it with every strike out and every jog out to center field. Other fans began to join in, sensing the honeymoon was over and the next day on WFAN, Chris Russo mentioned that for the first time, the Shea faithful really started getting on Beltran...so, you're welcome Carlos.), Beltran is likely to finish top three in the MVP voting.

The only problem with the Mets is they haven't played a meaningful game since they went down to Atlanta at the end of July when the Braves were hot. Atlanta might've still been 11 1/2 games behind the Mets, but ask any Mets fan and they still weren't convinced the Braves were out of it. This is what happens to your psyche when a team has won the division every year since Sony gave Michael Jackson one billion dollars. But, the Mets went down there, exorcised their demons and swept Atlanta. Unfortunately, because of their success, they won't be under pressure until the playoffs. Add that in to the injuries to their rotation and I don't think they'll be peaking at the right time. Hopefully, I'm wrong.

Baseball Part III

2006-08-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

AL WEST

As someone who watches a lot more NL baseball than AL, the AL West is by far the division I know the least about. It's the hole in my perfectly compact yet powerful baseball knowledge metaphorical swing. See, the AL Central is home to my favorite Tribe and everyone, whether they like it or not, gets dragged into Yankees-Sox, but the West, with only four teams barely piques my interest.

4. Mariners- Ichiro is really good. And his August struggles as the Mariners fade far from contention further prove that he is at his best when the games matter. Last year, when the Mariners were on their way to a losing season, Ichiro lost some of his infamous focus. Then, the WBC came along this spring and along with a great pitching staff, Ichiro led Japan to victory. Now, with nothing to play for, he is once again fading a little in the second half.

I think it's a bad sign anytime the second best player on your team is named JJ Putz. Another fantasy downfall in my mixed league was convincing myself prior to the draft that King Felix Hernandez was going to carry my pitching staff. I've heard enough "Maybe we should rename him Prince Felix" jokes to laugh a lifetime so I'm going to take a different angle on this.

I DVR'd (Comcast's TIVO) every April and May King Felix start and it struck me that his career can go in one of three directions. You see, Hernandez doesn't have bad outings, he has bad innings if that makes any sense. When you see his line the following day, and it lists 7IP 5ER, 10 hits and walks, you think, wow, he got bombed. But, from what I can tell, when he starts to lose it, when people get on base, he gives up big big innings or a crushing home run. Likely, of those seven innings, he gave up one four run innning and was pretty dominant the rest of the time. So, direction one, King Felix (who is over two years younger than Verlander or Liriano) rights the ship, works a little harder in the offseason, and has a Hall of Fame career. Direction two, he has a maddeningly inconsistent Bartolo Colon-like career where every year things go bad and people count him out, he works hard to prove them wrong and dominates, followed by a year where he gets caught up in his own greatness, gets lazy and falters. And, finally, direction three, the least likely, where he follows Bad Sushi's (Javier Vazquez) footsteps and the mental side of pitching never catches up to his immense physical gifts.

(Quick note on the M's. As a fan of the 1990's Indians, I always thought Hargrove got the shaft, being fired before the run was over. Now, after his mediocre run in Baltimore followed by his putrid campaign in Seattle, I wonder if the Indians could've won at least one of those two World Series with someone else at the helm.)

3. Texas- Probably the team I think least about in the major leagues. Texas is the same every year, big offense, not enough pitching, lots of white guys. There's a lot of talk amongst Ranger fans about the DVD pitching trio in their minor leagues, three starters who are going to thrive in the majors, finally bringing the pitching staff up to the snuff of the offense. But, the DVD trio of Diamond, Volquez and Danks reminds me a lot of the former Mets minor league saviors, Jason Isringhausen, Paul Wilson and Bill Pulsipher. Their numbers aren't that great and Volquez didn't look so hot in his brief major league stint.

The Carlos Lee trade was a good one by them but the Soriano for Brad Wilk, I'm actually yawning right now. Here's the meat and potatoes of the Rangers, they aren't that bad, aren't that great, Teixara and Young are really solid, and the fact that they haven't finished better than third in a four team division this century is telling.

2. The Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim- Living in LA last summer and fall, I realized just how important the Vlad Guerrero signing was. LA is still predominantly a Dodgers town. But, Guerrero is so good, such a personality, that he has made the Angels the equivalent of what the Mets are in New York. I spent a summer in LA before Guerrero got out there, and even when the Angels won the world series, no one in LA proper cared about them.

As for the actual Angels, they should be ruling the west in the next couple of years. They have a bunch of mega prospects in the already prodcuing Howie Kendrick, Erik Aybar and power-hitting shortstop Brandon Wood. Plus, with Lackey, the good J. Weaver and Ervin Santana, the Angels will have a strong rotation for the rest of the decade. If, next year, they can get anything out of Colon and they stop staying loyal to Erstad, Garrett Anderson and Adam Kennedy, the Angels will dominate the AL West and make a strong bid at another World Series. I don't think they have what it takes to overcome the on-fire Oakland squad this year but I really like their chances next year. Watch for Anaheim to be a major player in the Carlos Lee sweepstakes. Yeah, what they really need is a left-handed bat, but he'd be a near perfect fit on that team. They already have the best bullpen in the league, a great starting staff, and one of the top five managers in baseball. They just need to get more from their offense and a "Figgins, Kendrick, Guerrero, Lee, Rivera, Cabrera" top of the order would definitely suffice.

1. Billy Beane is really good at what he does. Unfortunately, he has to find a way for the A's to not consistently peak in August. This may be one of the problems with his Moneyball theory. He admits that his theory of OBP and the optimal way to score runs is built to work over a 162 game season. And, whatever he's doing over there, it sure does work over that length of time. Since 2000, no A's team has finished less than fourteen games over .500 and, in the regular season, the A's have been 199 games over .500!! Forget the Yankees and Red Sox, over that span of time, the A's have been at a large disadvantage in payroll even against their own division. Still, should they go on to win their division this year, they would have four titles and 5 playoff appearances in those seven years. But, with a strategy that rewards the mean, not the median or mode, the A's haven't been built for the playoffs. It's sad too, because I think the run will be over after this year.

Perhaps I'm wrong, but since they'll be getting nothing for Zito, the A's turn into Cleveland; a future of "unlesses." Unless Harden stays healthy, unless Bobby Crosby turns into the MVP candidate everyone thought him to be, (Crosby was yet another player struck down by the curse of being on my fantasy team. I even smokescreened prior to the draft, telling everyone I was going after Renteria. Renteria responded by obliterating the baseball in Atlanta as Crosby has had an on again off again relationship with the dl, batting under .230 with limited power) unless Frank Thomas can keep this resurgance going, unless Eric Chavez can put it together for a full year, etc. The A's won't be able to keep up with the Angels and like the 1990 Indians after they lost division series in 2001 to the Mariners, I think this A's run may be over after this year where they'll go down 3-0 or 3-1 to the Tigers or Yankees in divisonial play. Next year, my prediction is that Beane trades almost everyone away and starts over.

Baseball Part 2 or II

2006-08-18T13:49:00.000-07:00

AL CENTRAL

5. Royals- Although I don't suggest you read "Built to Win," I did read it. And, admist the egomania, John Schuerholz did not hesitate to gush over new Kansas City GM Dayton Moore and what a great mind he has. So, there's that. Look, the Royals aren't going to be good for a while. Besides for three stud prospects in Billy Butler, Alex Gordon (From all accounts, an absolute SUPERSTAR) and 2006 #1 pick Luke Hochevar, the emotionally unstable Zach Greinke and current major leaguers Mark Teahan (who unfortunately plays 3B like Gordon) and David Dejesus, the Royals are pretty much a pile of crap. (Sure, Emil Brown and Grudzielanek are having okay years but by the time the Royals are relevant again I doubt either of those guys will be on the team.) Right now, the Royals have three pitchers who have started more than ten games this year, their ERA's are respectively 5.34, 5.93 and 7.49. On the bright side, the AL Central is the best division in baseball and will be the most competitive for the next three to four years. So, this is as good a time to rebuild as any. As long as Dayton Moore has the sense of mind to not dole out anymore "we're kind of trying for this year" contracts to the Reggie Sanders, Doug Mientkiewicz and aforementioned Mark Grudzielaneks of the world, the Royals should have a restocked farm system and a ready to compete team in about 2010, the same time the rest of the division will be coming back to earth. "2010, it's not just a new decade, it's a new brand of Royals baseball!!!"

4. Indians- Sniffle. Deep breath. Where do we even start with the Indians? Sniffle.
Let's start on August 14, 2004, when the new-look revamped Tribe had just won 10 of 11 including two in a row over the first place Twins and were within a game of the division lead. Suddenly, they were all over ESPN and with one game left against Minnesota, had they won that Sunday they would've been tied for the lead. But, like a lot of young teams, they became aware of what was going on, let the pressure get to them and not only lost that Sunday game to the Twins but nine in a row to fade out of contention.

In between '04 and '05, Mark Shapiro made a couple brilliant moves, most notably picking up Kevin Millwood and revamping a bullpen that had blown game after game in 2004. In 2005, the Indians were peaking at just the right time, having gone 19-8 in August and gotten off to a scalding 18-4 start in September. They had the best bullpen in baseball, AL ERA champ Kevin Millwood leading a deep staff and a great offense. Then, on Sept. 25th, with four games remaining against the Royals and Devil Rays, a game and a half behind the White Sox for the division, a game and a half ahead of both the Red Sox and Yankees (who still had a series against each other), with every analyst in the country picking the Indians as the most likely team to win the World Series, Grady Sizemore lost a ball in the sun in the bottom of the ninth inning allowing the 100 loss Royals to beat the Tribe. Again, the young guys freaked out, became aware of what was going on and the Indians would lose two of three to the Devil Rays and be swept by the White Sox to miss out on the postseason.

This was their golden opportunity. With a small market team, Shapiro found a low risk path to success by signing pitchers to short contracts, hoping they pan out. Unfortunately, when pitchers did work, they became too pricey for the Tribe to resign. But, in '05, it all worked. Millwood was great, Elarton was servicable and Howry and Riske did all that could be asked of them out of the pen. So, when Cleveland choked down the stretch, they lost what I believe will be their only real chance the next few years unless they get lucky again in the pitching department.

What a difference a year makes. When you roll the dice with your pitching staff, sometimes you crap out. And, that's what happened this season. Shapiro replaced Millwood and Elarton with the ineffective Byrd and Johnson, replaced Howry with an ineffective Mota and for whatever reason looked to the future and traded the perfect #2 hitter in Coco Crisp for the Andy Marte project, replacing Crisp in left field with the ineffective Jason Michaels. Once Shapiro made that Marte trade, I called my fellow Indian fan friend and confessed that I didn't think the Indians had a chance this year. I was right. Despite Travis Hafner blossoming into the best hitter in the AL, Grady Sizemore turning into the perfect speed/power complement, the Indians pitching has been crappy and the hitting hasn't been much better.

I don't think I can read one more Rob Neyer article/chat comment about their run differential and how much of a statistical anomaly it is for a team to be +53 in runs but 12 games under .500. The Indians are your classic high-scoring, no-pitching team. And, unlike Neyer and many other experts, I don't understand why everyone is so confident the Indians will be a 90 win team again next year. Unless Sowers, Sabathia, and Lee all have career years, unless Marte starts to see the light (he's currently hitting .122 with 2RBI!), unless Shapiro can unearth some serious bullpen help, unless Adam Miller is ready to contribute to the staff next year, unless Jhonny Peralta remembers how to play baseball again, I can't see how the Indians are going to compete with the Twins, Tigers and White Sox. And, that's a lot of unlesses.

3. Twins- I spent most of July telling friends, my parents, the homeless, pretty much anyone who would listen to find a way to watch Francisco Liriano. I compared him favorably to Johan Santana, Sandy Koufax, Randy Johnson, Tom Seaver (turns out he's a righty, I think I meant Steve Carlton, thanks Kingspawn), pretty much any left hander in history. There have been some great pitchers in my lifetime, most notably the peaking Pedro, and Liriano for the two months before he got hurt had entered that zone. That happy place. But, he got hurt. And, it seems to only garner national attention in the fantasy baseball world. In the real baseball world, people hadn't even begun to take the Twins seriously yet, plus, Joe Mauer was the poster boy, with his great sideburns and great batting average.

It's cliche to say pitching wins championships, but it's true. You could field a team of arguably the best players at each position of the past 15 years and they would have zero chmapionships.
C: Pudge Rodriguez or Mike Piazza (0)
1B: Jeff Bagwell or Albert Pujols (0)
2B: Craig Biggio (0) (I actually think Robbie Alomar was better but he won twice and that kind of screws with my argument)
SS: A-Rod (0)
3B: Scott Rolen/A-Rod (0)
LF: Barry Bonds (0)
CF: Griffey (0)
RF: Sammy Sosa or Vlad Guerrero (0)

But, it seems like any stud pitcher wins at least once in their career. I think we can all agree Pedro, Maddux, Clemens, and Randy would be 4 of the 5 guys on our "last 15 years" staff. The other guy would probably be either Glavine, Smoltz or Schilling. And, you know what? All those guys have at least one. And, all it takes is joining up with another stud pitcher and suddnely any team that makes the playoffs is a serious contender. So, Oswalt, Zambrano, Halladay, you guys just need to find a way to get on the same staff.

Why is this all under the Twins? Because with a healthy Liriano, they would have had the top two pitchers in baseball with Liriano and the masterful Santana. With their sneaky lineup, a lineup that can create a few runs every game and with Nathan turning games into 8 inning affairs, the Twins were my pick to win the World Series at the all-star break. Now? I don't even know if they can make the playoffs. But, if they do, and if Liriano gets healthy, they'll be my pick again. And, they are in better shape come 2007 than any other team in the league.

2. White Sox- Being somebody who thinks that there should be no suspensions for throwing inside, that intimidation, fear and payback are an important part of the game, I love how crazy Ozzie Guillen is. But, I just don't see how these guys are going to do it. Of course, that's what I said last year before they absolutely blitzed the postseason. Now, with Dye and Thome batting well, their lineup is much more dangerous. If their staff was performing at even 75% of what it was last year, they'd have to be the odds on favorites to win the whole thing. Instead, Buerhle and Garcia (probable steroid abuser) have forgotten how to pitch and Javier "Bad Sushi" Vazquez still gets the award for the best stuff mixed in with the worst results. These guys have another year or two before they fall apart and I think Kenny Williams will rue the day he traded superstar centerfield prospect Chris Young for the aforementioned Bad Sushi. Not only would Young be playing center field for the Sox right now, had they elected to trade him at the deadline, they may have been able to get a lot more than Vazquez.

1. Tigers- These guys are so much like the Ichiro led 2001 Mariners it's sad, even up to the part in the playoffs where they lose to the Yankees. It's too bad. They just peaked too early and the grueling length of the 162 game season is starting to catch up to them. I think they're going to make the playoffs because Varitek and Liriano got hurt and with them the Red Sox and Twins don't have the guns to overcome the Tigers great start. But, the Tigers next ten games include four against the White Sox, three against the dangerous Tribe and three more against the Yankees. Having lost nine of their last twelve, with Bonderman, Verlander and their free swinging over performing lineup cooling off, I wouldn't be surprised if the Tigers go 3-7 or 2-8 and fall back to the pack. But, they close with two Kansas City series out of their last three and I think they limp into the playoffs.

That being said, the future in Detroit is bright. Verlander and Bonderman aren't Liriano and Santana but they are top 10, top 15 starters. Zumaya is a bullpen force and they have two absolute studs in their minor league system that they can either parlay into top talent or wait and reap the benefits. Andrew Miller would've been the #1 pick in this year's draft if the draft was based on talent alone, but he hired Scott Boras, teams ahead of the Tigers freaked out and he fell into their laps at pick six. But, the real jewel of the system is Cameron Maybin. Picked out of high school in the loaded 2005 draft, Maybin has torn up his Class A league and Baseball America now ranks him ahead of fellow former high schooler Justin Upton, the #1 pick last year and the #2 prospect in baseball coming into this season. With Maybin and Granderson patrolling the outfield, Verlander, Bonderman, Miller, other top prospect Humberto Sanchez manning the staff and Zumaya out of the pen, the Tigers are going to be a force the next five or so years. Factor in that their owner has shown a willingness to spend money and with the internal talent they have in their farm system, they have as good a shot as anybody to win multiple championships the next five years.

Baseball, part I

2006-08-18T12:19:00.000-07:00

So, it's mid-August and I still haven't tackled a baseball article. Maybe it's because baseball makes me want to write subjectively, all sappy and sweet about playing the game the right way and running out grounders; trying to conjure up images inside of you of a father and son (or daughter, go women, whatever) playing catch. Or maybe I haven't written about this cursed sport because I'm having one of the all-time worst fantasy baseball seasons in history and three weeks ago I was ready to bring Jake Peavy to court for ruining my life. Plus, I bought the MLB package both on my computer and at home so I've seen my team destruct not just in tomorrow's box scores but live, sometimes flipping between three pitchers getting shelled only to strike out the two hitters I have going against them. Or maybe it's because out of the ten people who read this blog, only two or three find baseball interesting. Either way, here starts my six part for six division series on each team.

AL EAST

5. Devil Rays- The Devil Rays are one of the only American League teams I actually root for. With Carl Crawford slowly turning into Eric Davis circa 1986-1987, the Rays have the potential to have the most talented young lineup in the league the next couple of years. This is what happens when you pick near the top of the draft every year, you accumulate great young players. The challenge for the Rays though is to not turn into the Expos of the late 90's, spending years developing young players only to have them leave as free agents before you can see results. (Of course, the Expos did see results in 1994 when they were the best team by far in baseball leading the Braves by 6 games when the strike happened but somehow John Schuerholz has no problem talking about his 14 consecutive division titles like 1994 didn't happen...don't read "Built to Win" unless you want to watch a 60 year old general manager masterbate to a lifesize gold statue of himself as he brushes his hair in the mirror) With a possible 2007 lineup of B.J. Upton, Rocco Baldelli, Carl Crawford, Delmon Young, Jorge Cantu, a healthy Johnny Gomes, Evan Longoria (Ryan Zimmerman II), Ben Zobrist and whomever plays 1st base, the Rays will be in the upper tier in the AL in offense for the next few years. And, with a pitching staff anchored by Scott Kazmir and the legitamitely okay Jamie Shields, the Rays are only a starter and a few bullpen pieces away from being competitive. I really believe this. So, with this in mind, I'll almost always put the remote down for a few seconds when I see the Rays are at bat. Maybe I'll see Crawford steal a base or Upton leg out a triple. Instead, somehow, for what seems like the last four years, Greg Norton, Ty Wigginton and Travis Lee are always up. Why are these guys still getting at bats? I'd love to see the Devil Rays new owner go a little nuts this off-season and sign Zito and Schmidt. Yeah, it would cost 22 million dollars next year and you'd think that isn't in the budget BUT winning brings fans and seriously, with a staff of Zito, Schmidt, Kazmir and whomever plus that lineup, they could catch the Yankees or Red Sox.

(By the way, when we think of great fantasy seasons, 1986 and 1987 Eric Davis are just jawdropping. In 1986, he hit .277 with 97 runs scored, 27 homers, 71 rbis and 80 stolen bases. He followed that with a 1987 campaign of .293, 120R, 37HR, 100RBI and 50SB. Incredibly, he missed at least 30 games in both seasons. Using my John Hollinger per 48 minute math, if he played a full 162 games in 1987, he would've had 142R, 44HR, 119RBI, and 60SB. Carl Crawford has this kind of potential. This year, he already has 40 steals and 15 homers. Next year, he has a serious shot at 30/50.)

4. Orioles- I play in two fantasy baseball leagues. One NL only auction keeper league with my uncle with thousands of dollars on the line which you'll hear a lot about and one slightly less serious mixed league with friends with only pride on the line. In that mixed league, I was lucky enough to be our league's Daniel Cabrera owner this year. I picked him ahead of Bonderman and dropped Verlander because Ron Shandler forecasted Cabrera turning into a star and I knew with Mazzone's coaching Cabrera would come around. Well, Daniel Cabrera sucks. It's that simple.

And, I think that blanket statement can be applied to the Orioles as well. No fanbase is in a less desirible situation than Baltimore right now. Especially if the late-July rumors are true and the Orioles, whether it was the owner or the general manager nixed either the "Tejada for Ervin Santana and Eric Aybar" or the "Tejada for Roy Oswalt" trades. Here's the problem with the Orioles. They have a lot of money to spend but not even close to the amount of the Red Sox/Yankees. This leads to indecision and the Orioles blurred vision. They can't decide how to rebuild, whether to rebuild, what to do so they're stuck with no farm system, a terrible lineup, a semi-high payroll and not much of a pitching staff. Now, that it's clear the Leo Mazzone magic isn't going to be enough to unseat the big boys they need to rip this team apart and start over. If they traded Tejada, Benson, and Mora, they could get an awful lot in return. Start with Markakis, Bedard and Chris Ray and go from there.

3. Toronto- The Blue Jays are just a couple pieces short and it's too bad. I can understand spending money because it's tough to convince a fan base (especially a Canadian fan base)to come back for the ninth straight year of a 3rd or 4th place team but the Blue Jays basically pulled the worst move in sports with their AJ Burnett signing. They decided ahead of time they were going to spend money in the offseason and since Burnett happened to be the best available pitcher they spent it on him. You can't do that and succeed. Only spend money because player "x" is worth spending money on, not because the money's burning a hole in your pocket. So, what's going to happen? They're not going to make the playoffs this year, they probably won't next year and Vernon Wells will sign with the Red Sox or Yankees after the 2007 season officially ending any hope in Toronto. Meanwhile, the Blue Jays will be stuck paying AJ Burnett 33 million dollars for three more years and management will use his contract as an excuse for why they can't make any roster improvements.

2. Red Sox- The Red Sox are an interesting team. This past offseason, they decided through Bill James' math that the area they could improve the most was defensively and that this was going to bring them success. They sacrificed offense for defense, allowed one of their three biggest offensive weapons to leave and sign with their archenemy and put the offense in the hands of Big Papi, Manny and a little here and there from guys like Varitek, OBP machine Youkilis and M. Lowell. They had a twenty game stretch or so in June where they didn't make an error and because Papelbon was Boston's own Mariano Rivera in the first half, the pitching and defense strategy paid off big time. But, despite having two legitimate MVP candidates for the 4th straight year in Ortiz and Ramirez, I just don't think the Sox can hang with the new machine that is the Yankees.

1. Yankees- Growing up in New York as a non-Yankee fan, I've always hated the Yankees, even before Bill Simmons made it cliche. This culminated in 1998 when I was 15, all my friends were Yankee fans, my beloved Indians had come within two outs of winning the 1997 World Series (and had knocked the Yankees out of the playoffs) only to have Jose Mesa pull the bigtime chokejob and blow a game seven ninth inning lead. Still, I could give the losing but respectable argument that "The Indians have been AL champions two out of the last three years, it's not our fault the '97 Marlins were better than the '96 Braves." But, then in 1998, that all got thrown out the window as the Yankees won the most games of any team of all-time and went on to beat the Indians in the playoffs before sweeping the no chance Padres. AND, this culmination of hatred had a culmination, Scott Brosius, the only Yankee worse than Paul O'Neill hitting two homers in game 3 of the world series including a go ahead 3 run homer. Two years later, in the 2000 World Series, my hatred would reach this level, if only for a moment, when Roger Clemens picked up Mike Piazza's broken bat and flung it at him, mouthing the excuse, "I thought it was the ball." What? Even if you somehow did mistake a long skinny broken piece of wood for a small round ball, even if that was true, why was it your instinct to throw this mistaken ball at the runner? "I thought it was the ball and I thought we had switched to kickball rules." Somehow, this didn't get him tossed out of the game or suspended which made it even worse.

Why am I telling you all this? Well, it's to give you a little background on why I hate the Yankees and always have. But, this year, I'm having trouble doing so. I like a lot of the guys on the team. I mean, don't get me wrong, I still have a soul and hope the Yankees rot in hell or whatever but with the exception of Giambi, it's hard to hate these guys. Jeter and Rivera have reached that Michael Jordan 1997-1998 level where I've used up all my hatred and now all that's left is the ultimate awe and respect. Plus, like Jordan in those Jazz series, I don't want my image of them being messed up. Who cares if Jeter is an overrated fielder? He and Rivera are amazing and seeing their legacy be enhanced by year after year of greatness is kind of cool.

My biggest conundrum is with A-Rod. He was one of my favorite players back when he was a Ranger and now that all these idiot Yankee fans are booing him mercilessly, calling up Mike and the Mad Dog demanding that he get traded and calling him a bum despite the fact that he's hitting .280 and on pace for 40HR, 120RBI, I find myself confused when he's at the plate. On the one hand, he's a Yankee so I want him to fail. But, I don't hate the Yankees as much as I hate stupid Yankee fans, the people who call WFAN with comments like, "Whaddya think about trading Melky Cabrera and Jaret Wright to the Twins for Francisco Liriano? Why can't we get this done?" So, I want the Yankee fans to be wrong, but in order to do so, AROD has to not only hit well but he has to do so in clutch situations where he can win games for the Yanks.

Anyway, the Abreu trade was genius. Whether or not they go in as AL East champions or the wildcard, the Yanks are going to the playoffs. And, forget if Matsui and Sheffield are healthy, if just one of them comes back by October...

1. Damon
2. Jeter
3. Abreu
4. Giambi
5. ARod
6. Matsui/Sheffield
7. Cano
8. Posada
9. Wilson/Cabrera

If they both come back, yikes. I don't know if the Yankees have enough pitching to get through the AL, but unless the White Sox rotation gets hot or Liriano comes back, only the Tigers will have a scary postseason staff. And, the Tigers, well, I'll get to them in part 2.

J-E-T-S, JETS JETS JETS!!!

2006-08-09T10:21:00.000-07:00

Two years ago, when Curtis Martin was coming off his league-leading rushing campaign and Lamont Jordan was an impending free agent, I made it very clear, over and over again that the Jets had to keep Jordan and try to trade Martin. Despite Martin's "great" season (his season long run was a shockingly low 25 yards in 371 attempts), unparalled character and work ethic, he had too many miles and had reached the downhill trend part of his career. Meanwhile, Jordan was an explosive back who because he hadn't seen the field much would have no problems with durability and carrying the load. Of course, the Jets being the Jets, let Jordan go to the Raiders and kept Martin. Last year, Martin for the first time in his career didn't reach 1,000 yards rushing and it looks like his career may be over before the start of the season. In fact, here was Gary Horton's analysis on the Jets upcoming season:

I happened to break down the Jets in the last couple of days on offense. To me, it's scary how bad they could be. They were 31st in the NFL on offense a year ago and they're not as good in terms of personnel this year. They have an offensive line in transition that will be good, but not right now. They have no backup answer for Martin at RB if he's not healthy. They have no real threats at WR, which means that defenses can load up in the box to stop the running game. In my opinion, they're going to be the lowest scoring team in the NFL in 2006. They were also dead last in time of possession, which forces your defense on the field too much, because your offense can't convert third downs. And, if that weren't bad enough, I don't think their passing game has any type of vertical component to loosen up defenses, which means secondaries can jump routes and tighten up coverages. I know it looks like I'm dumping on the Jets, but I didn't realize how dire the situation appears to be, until I studied them the last couple of days. I hope I'm wrong because the Jets fans are loyal and great.

Let me do say one positive thing about the Jets. I understand that D'Brickashaw is having a great camp at LT. He'll be the anchor for an improving offensive line for years to come. The problem for Jets fans is are you OK with going to a game and watching an LT for 60 snaps.

J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!!!!

This from the guy who answers every question with positive hopeful answers. Seriously, in the same chat, he said that the Browns could contend for their division, the Rams could contend for the wild card, Chris Simms, Eli Manning and Phillip Rivers all could lead their teams to the playoffs and beyond and Dallas worked hard in the offseason and their offensive line should do a bangup job and Culpepper will be excellent in Miami. He's one of those guys who goes through their projections for the season and has the league as a whole playing .600 ball, no one loses games. But, the Jets make him cringe.

The Indians are one of the worst 5 teams in baseball despite outscoring their opponents, the Jets are probably going to have 1st pick next year, (hopefully a left guard will be available) and the Knicks are run by Isiah Thomas. 2006 has pretty much blown.

As for the Knicks, real quick, how does Dolan sign off on the Jeffries signing? Are the Knicks just trying to make other teams worse? Jeffries was a good fit on the high-scoring Washington team. He played good defense, wasn't a dead spot offensively and contributed when necessary. Because of the luxury tax, the Knicks are paying 60 million dollars for his services the next five years and they already have Marbury, Francis, Crawford, Robinson, Lee, Rose, Richardson, Balkman, etc. Maybe the Knicks are now a 41 win team, but why is that something to root for? How can you manage without an eye towards the future, towards the goal of winning the championship?

At least the Indians, operating with the opposite in payroll, make good sensible moves. They didn't lie to themselves about this lost season and they were able to restock a little and I think rip off the Mariners for Choo. Unfortunately, because the White Sox, Twins and Tigers are absolutely loaded, I don't think the Indians pitching will be enough to keep them competitive next year. But, at least their moves are logical and explainable.

"Isiah, why'd you take Jeffries?"
"He gives us something we didn't have before, he's a guy who can guard three to four different positions."
"Do you think he makes a championship contender?"
"No, but I think now we don't get swept in the first round should we get there."

Monday Morning

2006-07-17T10:09:00.000-07:00

It's not that I hate my job. It's that sometimes I wake up on Monday and as I walk to work I wish that I was retarded and in a wheelchair. I know that's terrible. My brain processes "what an awful thing to think about." But, if I was retarded and unable to feed myself, I don't think I'd have to be a paralegal anymore.

I know this is equivalent to commiting suicide so that you don't have to see another romantic comedy, there exist other "less extreme" solutions, and if I'm wishing, I might as well wish to win the lottery or something, you know, as long as I'm wishing. But, I really hate my job. (And, I doubt I'll win the lotto)

Sample conversation with friends:

"What are you doing now?"
"I'm paralegaling."
"Oh, really? What happened? What went wrong?"
"I don't know."
"Well, do you want to be a lawyer?"
"No."
"Are you learning anything? Like, what benefit are you getting from your job?"
"It pays the rent. And, yeah, I'm learning. Like about binders, like how to make binders, Friday, I made my first spine label, that was a landmark, um, recently I learned how to sometimes three hole punch more than twenty pages at a time even though my hole puncher explicitly says maximum of twenty pages, that's a highlight, um, I've gotten pretty good at filing. Actually, that's not even true. That'll probably show up as a weak point in my evaluation."
"Do you ever feel like an organized monkey could do your job?"
"Sure. Probably could do a better job than me. Because he wouldn't feel like his brain was melting eight hours a day."
"It's not that bad is it?"
"I think I've reached rock bottom. But, then again, death could be worse."
"Could be?"
"Well, my mom has even started making fun of me."
"What?"
"Yeah, yesterday, she asked if I had any tips on staple removing."
"Hahaha, really? Did you hear about Mike Madill, about how he signed with the Minnesota Wild?"
"Yeah, that's awesome. I'm just happy that now that he signed an NHL contract, we're both achieving our dreams. He's playing pro hockey. I'm copying deposition transcripts, defending large corporations that steal money from students."
"Do you like Washington at least?"
"Well, it's 98 degrees every day, humid, most of my friends are moving out at the end of July, I'm scared to go outside at night because the murder rate is the highest this month in the past decade and my apartment's floor has stopped working."
"What does that mean?"
"Well, after it flooded, the water soaked up the cheap faux wood, plastic floors and now there are bumps all over the floor. It's like a mini-golf course."
"At least you have your own office at work right?"
"Did have my own office, the next couple of weeks I get to sit in a large room and print mass quantities of documents. That should be fun. I get trained on that tomorrow."
"Printing training?"
"Yeah, no one here wants to feel liable if you screw up so they like to make sure you can do everything correctly, to the point of teaching me tomorrow how to press print at my new workstation. That might be the final straw. If I have to watch a powerpoint presentation at 9 am tomorrow on how to press print, I might just quit. But, probably not."

BALK! (man)

2006-06-28T20:02:00.000-07:00

(Buy yourself a snack, pick a Dasani off the shelf, go to the bathroom, whatever, this is a long one.)

(Some thoughts from the draft. Some of these thoughts may be presented in the present tense even though they are now in the past.)

(I have trouble grammatically switching back and forth between writing out numbers and just writing 4 or 7.)

Telfair for the 7th pick? I like this trade for both sides. From Portland's perspective, they picked Telfair 13th two years ago, he's two years from free agency, he didn't pan out, he's now ranked third on their depth chart (behind Steve Blake and Jarrett Jack (yikes if you're the Celtics)), and you trade him for the 7th pick in this draft? Hmm, sign number one that this is a weak draft. From the Celtics perspective, Telfair is still only two years out of a high school, has shown flashes of brilliance and I think Paul Pierce will get the best out of him. Plus, any trade where you can unload Raef is a good trade.

First Pick: Bargnani, the Magician. Who Knows? I appreciated the semidrunk, setting the tone for the night "overrated" chant from the Knicks fans. I like the pick, I guess.

#2: I can't believe the Blazers traded up and didn't take Morrison. I'm not from there but if people in Portland were clamoring for him as much as everyone claims, this seems like a public relations nightmare. Especially considering they could've just waited to #4, got Aldridge and claimed to their fans that they had no chance at Morrison. Instead, it was like shoving the pick up their fans' ass. Still, I have trouble believing anyone in Portland is passionate enough about the Blazers to be outraged over anything. Go smoke pot! Climb Mt. Hood!

THE DOWN SYNDROME UNIBOMBER + AIR JORDAN = AIRMAILBOMBS! "From way down town...AIRMAILBOMB Morrison!!!" I should just move to Portland, smoke some pot, be another pedestrian waiting at traffic lights, and announce Trail Blazer games. Err, I mean, I should wear a backwards white hat, play lax and get drunk on Sundays for NASCAR! GO BOBCATS!

I actually like the TDSUB pick. In the NBA, to become a truly elite team you either need to get lucky and pickup a superstar in the draft PAUSE FOR LIST:
KOBE, LEBRON, WADE, DUNCAN, DIRK, AMARE, ETC.
or just build a really solid team and hope they turn into the Kings from a few years ago/Pistons of the last couple of years. The Bulls are on the brink of becoming such a team and really making a push in the East. If Thomas can turn into what Kenyon Martin was like before he got hurt, and really I think this is what he projects out to be, plays mean, good defense, thunderous dunks, runs the court and can shoot a 12-15 footer, the Bulls are going to be loaded. And, with this Morrison pick, the Bobcats have become the mini-Bulls. Felton-Heinrich, G. Wallace-Deng, Morrison-Nocioni, May-Sweetney (that one doesn’t matter so much but they are a lot a like), Okafor-Thomas/Chandler. The Bobcats are only a couple good players away and a couple years experience from becoming quite good.

I can't believe they showed the block, dunk, crazy face sequence against Duke that got him his nickname. TANAKA! Raptors, you have no marbles. Bobcats, "May you be mounted by a rabid dog. You're lower than rat excrement." TANAKA IS OFF THE BOARD! Besides for the obvious, him being Kevin Garnett, why would the Bulls trade for Kevin Garnett? He's like a 60's muscle car at this point. Still awesome, but he's had a lot of miles on those knees. And, he can't take a game over down the stretch. Just like my 69’ Mustang or whatever. Why not just see what happens with an eight-nine man rotation of Heinrich, Gordon, Duhon, Deng, Nocioni, Thomas, Chandler, Sweetney, Songalia. And, they still have like 15 million dollars in cap space. If they can pick up one more piece, (I’d try to get Flip Murray) two years from now when all the Heat role players are done and the Pistons are over the hill, say hello to part of the new class of the East.

Not much goes on in my life. So, there’s not a lot competing right now. But, there has been nothing more bizarre the last couple of weeks than the whole Landlord saga. Shelden Williams getting a guarantee that he is going fifth so he’ll shut down workouts with the top four teams had to be the upset of the year. (Sign number two this is a terrible draft) What’s so exciting about getting a Joe Smith who seems destined to average 10 and 8, maybe 12 and 8? Why not trade down and get a point guard? Also, what’s wrong with Zaza? On the other hand, maybe Williams is the Charlie Villanueva of this draft. I mean, he also looks like he’s from a different planet. Plus, he was an absolute monster defensively on a Duke team that had poor perimeter defense and managed to average 18 pts a game despite every play being run for JJ.

How has (the guy I would’ve taken #1) Brandon Roy not been taken yet? There he is. On Minnesota…ugh. BORING! There are only a couple teams in the NBA where you could add any other player in the league to that team and they still wouldn’t win the championship. For instance, if the Knicks got Tim Duncan, a team with Steve Francis, Jamal Crawford Stephen Marbury, Eddie Curry, nevermind. The point is, add Lebron to the T’wolves and I still don’t think they can win a championship with Ricky Davis and Eddie Griffin being the third and fourth best players on the team. Okay, maybe with Lebron. But, Brandon Roy is not Lebron. (Which is why if I was Minnesota I’d trade Garnett now, they’ve entered the three years ago Iverson phase of Garnett’s career where he needs out or all that remains is mediocrity.)

I didn’t see how Foye fit with Portland considering they already had a stable of too short, too skinny guards. First makes me happy trade of the night in Foye for Roy. I told you Portland had a plan…and that plan includes trying to make up for skipping out on TDSUB for another Northwest fave in Roy. I think the two sure thing players in this draft were Aldridge and Roy. I know Greg Anthony and Stephen A. Smith, or S.A.S.sypants as I’ll call him, think the Blazers either (politely)“got a C-“ or “I DON’T EVEN WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEM, I DON’T DISCUSS TEAMS WITHOUT A PLAN!” (Indoor voice SASsypants. Indoor voice.)

But, the Blazers actually do have a plan. And, it’s a very very very very very good one. Let me stress very. Not only did they land two rotation guys who at the very least won't kill you, they are set up perfectly. They might go 15-67 next year. But, those superstars, that can change franchise’s fortunes. They’re coming. How does Brandon Roy, LaMarcus Aldridge, Zach Randolph, whichever point guard works out, and Greg Oden sound? Or Joakim Noah?

Sign #3 this is a pretty terrible draft. Shane Battier for the #8 pick AND Stromile Swift. Yikes. I see Rudy Gay as soft too but Rudy Gay and Stromile Swift for Shane Battier? Really? At least the Rockets redeemed themselves in round two by taking the poor man’s JJ in sharpshooter Steve Novak.

Dwight Howard, Jameer Nelson, DARKO and Redick??? I LOVE IT! Maybe replacing the Nuggets/Suns as my replacement team I root for during the Isiah years. What’s the biggest problem with Redick’s game? Let’s just say I think Dwyane Wade gets by him at least 6 out of 10 times. But, with the defensive player of the next decade cleaning up his mess in Howard, Redick will more than compensate for any deficiencies with his unreal offensive range. No one will be able to double team DARKO. This will be an issue. Just wait. VIVA LA DARKO! (Can we let DARKO play in the rookie/sophomore game next year?)

I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a player to end up on a specific team more than I was hoping Quincy Douby would end up on the Suns. He may have averaged an unprecedented 20 points and 10 minutes a game.

I know in the new uptempo NBA, a point guard with character issues who showed up overweight, and tested out athletically worse than J.J. Redick doesn’t make teams salivate but I can’t believe how far Marcus Williams slipped. Maybe I’ll be wrong but I think he’s going to end up like Sam Cassell. Lethal down the stretch, great pure point guard, great leadership and somehow always on a winning team.

Who? WHat? HUH? WHAT! WHAT THE F*()%B@$#$??? WHAT!!!!!

As if we needed even more proof Isiah Thomas has been trying to sabotage the Knicks. Now, with only one more year left on his leash, he’s going to new lengths. RENALDO BALKMAN? Isiah, you think a guy who didn’t average 10 at South Carolina was going to be off the board at 29? I know he was hyped after being the MVP of the NIT tournament but, WHO THE FUCK IS RENALDO BALKMAN?

At this point, I shouldn’t get upset. I should just expect it. Isiah is a little like Saddam at this point. What is so worrisome is he might get even crazier as it gets even closer to the end. Knowing this will be his last time in the spotlight as it will surely be his last NBA job, Thomas might go out gun slinging, blaze of fire:

Fine, I give in, we’ll give you Crawford, we’ll give you Rose’s expiring contract, we’ll give you next year’s first rounder, and our second rounders 2010-2020, you give us Peja. Peja, remember Allan Houston? How does 7 years 160 million sound? Like 110 million more than anyone else is offering? EXACTLY!

STOP JERKING ME AROUND CUBAN! I need Dampier. What? No, I can’t do that. OKAY, FINE. Deal. Frye, Lee and two unprotected (cause who likes condoms!) first rounders for Dampier? I’ll throw in 15 million dollars?

Seriously, if the Knicks finish bottom five again this year, which is a real possibility, “win” the lottery and have to swap the first pick for the Bulls pick, let’s say 18th. The final trade may actually be:
BULLS RECEIVE
Tim Thomas
Mike Sweetney
Tyrus Thomas
Greg Oden
2007 + 2009 Second Round picks

KNICKS RECEIVE
Eddie Curry
Antonio Davis
Someone like Corey Brewer

It really does disgust me. Since Thomas took over basketball operations of the Knicks on Dec. 22, 2003, they have gone 29-29, 39-43 (WITH A FIRST ROUND PLAYOFF LOSS MOTHERFUCKER! WOOOOOOH!), 33-49, 23-59 for an overall record of 124-180. In that time, they have spent $440,943,012 on player salaries. And, yes, I did take into account that he was not in charge for the first thirty percent of the ’03 season. And, sure, some of the blame has to fall on his predecessor the diabolical Scott Layden. But, 440 million dollars for one playoff series, $36,745,251 a win, these are just unfathomable, staggering numbers. It really does disgust me.

Two final thoughts. The Cavs quietly had a great draft. They ended up with Shannon Brown and Daniel Gibson. Two perfect play along Lebron guards. If Gibson pans out like everyone thought he would prior to this season when he was a top five prospect, the Cavs may have reloaded at the one position they were weakest at.

Also, how does Mike Gansey go unselected? He will have a place in the NBA. And, I hope Kevin Pittsnogle, Allan Ray and Carl Krauser find their way into the league as well. Hope you made it through.

Can anything, anything sum the Isiah era up more than BALK!man?

Goal setting

2006-06-22T14:39:00.000-07:00

i'm glad the knicks fired larry brown, i wouldn't want them to start doing something sensible now. it's funny, larry brown had never left a team with an under .500 record before. even when he went 21-61 in his initial season in san antonio, when he left they were 153-131 in his tenure and his teams always showed marked improvement in his second year with them. instead, dolan chose to go with the guy who built this 125 million dollar team that couldn't win 25 games last year, the guy who traded the second pick in this year's draft, a pick in next year's loaded draft and mike sweetney for eddie curry and then gave curry 70 million dollars, dolan went with the guy that essentially took over the cba before 2002 and bankrupted it by the end of 2003, the guy who had failed with the raptors and pacers already, dolan chose him to coach this team next year. and maybe that's a good thing because when the knicks suck next year with a team filled with lazy overpaid mediocre stiffs, maybe we can officially close the book on the isiah thomas period, let the contracts play out and do the only sensible thing in the nba rebuilding process, completely start over. or maybe isiah takes them to 39-43, dolan thinks they're on the right track as they just miss out on the eighth seed in the east and he allows thomas to trade jalen rose and maurice taylor's expiring contracts for two longer strangleholds on the organization.

here's my biggest problem with the knicks. avery johnson talked during the postgame news conference after game six about how the mavs goal was to win a championship and how they had fallen short. they were obviously disappointed because they had come so close but they felt like maybe they could use this season as a building block towards that ultimate goal, winning the championship.

at the news conference today, isiah said "today begins the 2006-07 season for the Knicks, and I strongly believe we are on the right track to take major steps in our rebuilding process to achieve our goal of being one of the premier teams in the NBA." doesn't this seem like a destined-to-fail goal? how many premier teams in the NBA are there? I count the Pistons, Heat, Nets, Cavs, Mavs, Suns, Spurs, Clippers/Nuggets, so, basically the goal is to make it to the second round of the playoffs? what happens if they fall short? that's the problem in new york, they are so scared to just blow it up, go 20-62 for four years, stockpile a young talented roster that you could then surround with free agents that would die to go to new york and bring a championship to really really good basketball fans, they set goals like making the playoffs. making the playoffs as both the long term and short term goal makes missing the playoffs a self-fulfilling prophecy because you can not achieve your goal every year.

the guy who wrote fantasyland explained the lure of fantasy sports as being able to be accountable for all your decisions, if you want player "x" enough, you can go and get him while being a fan of a real team, especially in this age of free agency and excessive player movement, means you entrust your team to whomever the owner chooses as "general manager." that's what makes being a knicks fan so hard, scott layden was the worst general manager i've ever seen, not by a little, but by A LOT, only, isiah may in fact be worse. so, twice in a row, it's felt like the person running our team has had a personal vendetta against them.

Is the gym closed? A full post in question format? That's possible?

2006-06-19T08:57:00.000-07:00

Did Josh Howard watch Phil Mickelson during warmups and get some ideas? Despite winning three majors, is Mickelson the most unclutch athelete since Charles Smith circa 1993? Having done so four times, does Mickelson think the point of the US Open is to finish 2nd? Next to "I want to kiss you and playoffs!?," when was the last sports quote you heard better than "I can't believe what I just did, I'm such an idiot?"

Does anyone else think, "Man, I wish I was at the World Cup," only to picture being in the crowd, and suddenly that thought goes away, replaced with, "Excuse me, I can't see, you with the jar on your head, could you please sit down?"

Getting back to the title, is the gym closed? What happened to unstoppable drive the lane inside outside Dirk in Miami? Do you think his pasty skin couldn't handle the Heat? Who else thought the officiating was pretty brutal and the Mavs have the right to gripe? How much do we think Cuban is going to get fined if the Mavs lose this series and another game has pro-Heat refereeing?

Who do we compare Dwyane Wade to? If the MJ comparisons are unfair, then what's left? And, given the choice right now to start a team, not for one year but for the next ten, do you really take LeBron over Wade? Another question posed last night, in a full NBA one-on-one tournament, who wins? Is there a reason why we couldn't replace the WNBA/retired player/current player shootout thingy on the saturday night all-star weekend with a million dollar, game to five one-on-one tournament? Or if that's not a enough time, could we just replace the WNBA with a summer one-on-one league? Who wouldn't want to see this? Why hasn't this happened yet?

Who else hears Jack Black and director of Napoleon Dynamite yet is scared that Nacho Libre is going to be terrible?

Could Kobe cover Dirk inside? Would a fast point guard or a hybrid seven footer be more effective? I mean, just on the Suns, would a healthy Amare beat the lightening quick Barbosa? Seriously, Davey Stern, do you see how much money there is to be made on a 64 player, once every couple of years field? Who would be the four #1 seeds? If it's Kobe, Wade, LeBron and Dirk, do you think we'd have an all #1 seeded final four? Wouldn't McGrady or Iverson or Arenas or Melo or Pierce deliver an upset special? And, what would the format be? Winners outs or losers? Refs or players call their own fouls so we see how cheap they are in real life?

In this tournament, do we invite team dancers? Just Brazilian futbol fans?

Is Entourage going to be this lame all year? Considering they are 1/5 done with the season, wouldn't you say it's on it's way to being a major disappointment? Yet, how many points does Jeremy Piven get for going against management orders and screaming "hug it out bitches" after singing the seventh inning stretch at Wrigley?

Are the Mavs going to push this to seven games or is the Flash this unstoppable? Didn't it seem that Avery Johnson lost his cool a little bit in game five, going to hack-a-shaq, having it work, then not choosing to do it on the next possesion and having Payton hit that killer three pointer? Then, in overtime, what was with the hack-a-shaq that didn't even send him to the line because they didn't have the team fouls? Wasn't that just bizarre? And, I know Wade deserves all the credit in the world, but shouldn't we be commenting on how Gary Payton has hit all four huge shots he's taken in this post-season? He may not be able to guard an amputee at this point, but isn't Payton having one of those last gasp, former superstar wants a ring postseasons?

I know it would be embarassing but shouldn't Shaq just try shooting free throws underhand in game six?

Why did I just write this in question format? Did it even add anything? No, just a stupid gimmick? Sorry?

I Should've Been a Pitcher

2006-06-16T09:48:00.000-07:00

Damnit! Why did he put me in left field? I had a career ERA of 0.00. How did he miss the potential? How did I miss the potential? And, that ERA was without practice! Imagine if I was taught the proper technique of pushing off the rubber, my ERA would've been like -3.45. I don't even know what that means.

But, think about the possibilities! I didn't even know how to pitch from the stretch when my 2nd baseman booted that ball and allowed a runner to reach 1st. The other team complained, I had no problem waving off my catcher's sign for an outside fastball and throwing a little inside heat to send a message. I could've been Nolan Ryan intimidating batters with my I'll throw it anywhere Texas gunslinger mentality, hat pulled down low, glaring at the batter like Dave Stewart. Maybe I should relive the dream, try to be Dennis Quaid. I don't know if I can dial up the old radar gun like "The Rookie," but with the current technology out there, I could pitch sequence like Greg Maddux.

They're using video ipods to analyze hitters. AARRRGH! That is so unfair. A whole video scouting report for each team in your hands before the game. No wonder Jason Jennings is in the majors! If I had a team of monkeys telling me #26 couldn''t hit an outside curveball do you think he would've gotten that single up the middle off that uneducated inside fastball I threw him? No way! It would've been junk low and away.

Fastall. Change-up. Slurve. Curve. Knucklecurve. Screwball. Two-seamer. Cutter. Knuckleball. The catcher would've had to take his glove off to give signs, I would've had so many pitches! Brian get out here! I can't tell if that's an eight or a nine you're putting down. Oh forget it, they can't hit me anyway. The confidence would've oozed into my gold glove playing defense, always on their toes as I worked quickly like Mark Buerhle- I HAD IT ALL!

But, in Little League, I was told I didn't have the "pitcher's mindset." Why? Because I got so frustrated with an umpire's strike zone that I started throwing it underhand to prove a point? His strike zone was bullshit! Later reports suggested he was the opposing shortstop's biological father. Instead of taking me out of the game after I blew that nine-run last inning lead, maybe someone should have seen the competitive fire lurking within me and found a way to channel it. Turn the clock on that performance to today, and do you see me overreacting with an underhand toss? Or even with an eephus pitch? Hell no. You crazy? Trained killer me doesn't show emotions on the mound. After a bad call, I'd be composed, call my catcher to the mound and tell him to call a pitchout. When he jumps outside, I'd throw a heater right down the middle into the umpires face mask! STRIKE! That's what you get for not giving me the corners Wendelstedt!

I should've been a pitcher. We would've turned that 8-9 mark into a scout's watching, turning to each other "He's got a presence on the mound," 18-2 season. They would've scheduled more games just to see me pitch! After all, a tiny school only gets a 17 year-old Bob Gibson once!

But, everyone missed the boat. And, now I don't even pitch on our "give up 15 runs in the 1st inning, for christ's sake please find the strike zone you're like twenty feet away Katie," slow pitch softball team. My potential continues to remain untapped, my life's calling having passed me by, physical skills eroding as I wonder what could've, no, should've been had anyone seen the light.

I should've been a pitcher.

The Road back to Television

2006-06-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

On the way back from a weekend trip to upstate New York, I had a few things to look forward to and a few things to dread. On the good list included starting 24 season 4, the NBA Finals game 2, the season premiere of Entourage and the Cheasapeake Service Area in northern Maryland. On the bad list included work on Monday, work on Monday and Delaware.

F' Delaware. It's ten miles long and yet, there is always road work and traffic. You know why? Because they make you pay two tolls. One for their dumbass bridge and one for using the Delaware turnpike. It's home to just a booming roadwork industry. On my last trip home, they weren't just doing roadwork on one lane, NOPE, they were working on the whole highway and at 1:45 at night, I got backed up about 45 minutes as they made us exit off the highway and detour around the construction. Now, I understand that the state's economy is based on 24/7 365 days a year, zero cracks in our ten miles we are proud of our fucking turnpike roadwork. BUT! If I have to exit off the highway, if I don't even get the pleasure of seeing my money hard at work and don't get the resources of the awesome Delaware turnpike, why must I pay a 2nd toll? I asked this of Chris, at 2:30 am at the tollbooth because to add injury to insult I was without the greatest invention of the 21st century, an E-Z Pass and forced to wait ten more minutes. Chris responded, "Uh, what? Three dollars." "You know you guys charge six dollars total, that's as much as New Jersey? The same price for 120 miles as 10? You assholes are aware of this?" "Three dollars." "What am I paying for? Aren't I paying a toll to be able to traverse through your state at a faster pace? That's the idea behind the toll road, isn't it?" "Three dollars." "Alright, Chris. Fine. Here's your three dollars. I'll see you in hell."

In New York, they know how pissed drivers get having to pay tolls and whenever they fix something you are bombarded with signs saying "Your tolls hard at work!" There are like eight of them fighting with the "Look out for my dad!" and "State fines double for violations in a work area" memos for road sign world domination. But, in Delaware they don't alert you, they don't have to. Because as all Delawarians are aware of, right now, at their state senate, the knights of the roundtable continue to squash discussion of better schools or state parks and return to the Governor's most important task at hand, the satellite monitoring of God's favorite ten miles-IS THAT A CRACK? JOHN! GET GEORGE ON THE PHONE PRONTO! RAISE THE ALERT TO RED! THERE IS A CRACK NEAR THE NEWARK EXIT! NOBODY LEAVES THE STATE!

So, on this particular Sunday, when we got through New Jersey problem free, I should've expected being backed up again. And, to no one's surprise, there we were, sitting in thirty minutes of traffic to pay a toll so that the asphalt could be replaced bi-monthly by those crazy bastards.

Finally, we got through and arrived at the Chesapeake service area. This place is like heaven on the highway. It's got a Starbucks, a Burger King, an out of nowhere no sign letting you know QUIZNO'S (Holler) an organic market for the ladies and a Smoothie place. Since we left New York, we had our eyes on the Chesapeake service area and I was going back and forth between a Mango smoothie and a Strawberry. But, when we got there, I panicked. I went with Mango Peach even though a highway in Maryland is not the place to turn for exotic fruit. Always go simple at a rest stop, this is advice to live on. But, I didn't and I paid for it with some unsweetened terrible tasting, I could only get through half of it as my girlfriend happily had her Frozen Yogurt in a cone. Or as I like to call it, Fro Yo in a Co. I could've been that happy. I could've gotten this awesome looking Mega-Candy Blast Reese's Pieces Oreo Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough Vanilla concoction. It was right there, ready to be had. But, I went with Mango Peach like a big pussy. Which is the reason I work at Initech to begin with. So, the first thing on the good list had turned sour.

Next up on the list was the double combo of game 2 of the NBA Finals and the Entourage season premiere. By the time, Entourage was on at 10 pm I had lost interest in the Mavs shellacking of the Heat and didn't even pause or record the game. (Carole just called me at work. She's the secretary that works near my mailbox which is conveniently located about 25 yards down the hall from my office. Any time my mail is "building up" Carole calls to let me know in this annoyed voice, like my not picking up the mail is causing her emotional stress. Carole, if you're reading this, calm down, my mail usually consists of updated firm phone numbers of people I won't call and alerts about arriving Summer Associates who I won't meet. If I don't get my mail, the firm will continue to run as always. You'll get your paycheck on the 15th. Does my mail itch your neck from behind when you're not looking? Do you feel it crawling along your upper back? No? Then let it be, my friend. Let it be.) So, I didn't even watch the second half, and I think my pre-series analysis which my friend Ralph can confirm was correct. The Heat's run through the East just wasn't that impressive. They had a tough series against a 42-40 Chicago team, beat the underperforming Nets and a Detroit team that was compromised by not having Darko and the Rasheed Wallace ankle injury. It's not a coincidence that a not so deep Pistons squad was dominating until Rasheed pulled up lame in game 3 of the Cavs series. Compare that with the Mavericks who absolutely demolished the Grizzlies, beat the Spurs with Tim Duncan performing at as a high level as he has all season and got through the run n' gun never say die Suns. OPEN GYM!

So, all that was left was the Entourage season premiere and 24. I am a huge Entourage fan. The show makes me happy. That being said, the season premiere was so bad that they are two more like it from me quitting. The only thing comparable to this Entourage episode was my friend Tareek's reaction after walking out of the Deuce Bigalow 2 premiere, "Oh, I get it, they made that so the first one would seem even better." I think and trust that Entourage will rebound. How can it not? It's the perfect formula for a show about guys living the good life, getting with chicks. But, we just finished season 3 of 24, still good but by far the worst one yet. And, after watching the first couple episodes of season 4, where it seems the whole cast was gutted, it's quite clear the producers felt the same. My only problem is again, Jack Bauer is being treated like a nobody agent. Um, Ms. Driscoll, this guy stopped the assasination of the President twice in one day, found and destroyed a nuclear bomb, stopped World War III and contained a deadly virus while kicking a heroin habit, maybe we should cut him a little slack, trust his instincts. But, that being said, I think that's what makes the show great, when Jack was in charge season 3, it began to flounder. Anyway, I began to wonder if a lot of shows go through a season 3 lull, trying to replicate, recreate and recycle what's already worked the first two seasons instead of coming up with fresh new storylines. I have no answer on this, so some insight would help. But, Entourage is off to a bad start.

I hope Entourage gets better, I hope I don't blow it at the Chesapeake next time, I hope Miami can put up a fight at home and to introuduce a new storyline at the end, I hope the U.S. never wins the World Cup. Because, as my friend Jesse said as he's travelling in Europe, us winning the World cup will result in a "global revolution as every country bands together to fight us. Seriously, unprecedented U.S. dominance of soccer will spark something unlike what unprecedented U.S dominance of the global economy, various power calculii (U.N. influence, military might, nuclear arsenal, etc) and cultural exportation have failed to."

Go Czechs! It's been three years since you guys were the bad guys on 24.

OPEN GYM!

2006-06-02T08:00:00.000-07:00

Incoherent thoughts:

Why are the Mavs fans chanting M-V-P at Nowitzki? Compared with a slow, rising dirk, Dirk, DIrk, DIRk, DIRK DIRK DIRK DIRKDIRKDIRKDIRKDIRKDIRKDIRKDIRKDIRK chant? Where's the logic here?

Do you think Darko was the Pistons mojo? Do you think now that he's gone and Rasheed has no one to make fun of to the rest of the team, Sheed's started wrathing at his teammates? (That sentence should've gone "Sheed's started ________ his wrath at his teammates, but the only word that came to mind was incurring, which, means to become liable, sometimes for a pet as in "People who buy pets incur great responsibilities." Thanks Webster.) Rasheed's ankle is hurt, Ben Wallace can no longer make the same enormous impact with the changing of the guard in the NBA. Do you think Joe Dumars made the right decision getting rid of a seven footer with an inside-outside game, still only twenty? By the way Dirk n' Darko are both listed at 7'0, 245. Just saying. Just saying.

Can we call Avery Johnson Mary F'ing Shelley by now? By forcing Dirk to learn how to be an inside presence, Avery has created the Open Gym monster. When he's on, like last night, Dirk is completely unstoppable. He's seven feet tall, can now beat you down low, can pull up off the dribble and was the NBA 3-point champion so you know he's got the jump shot.

Barry Bonds passed Babe Ruth!!!!!!!!!!!!

A girl won the National Spelling Bee yesterday for the first time since 1999. We have spellcheck, I don't see the big deal. Spelling is not a sport. Stop calling it that. You're offending LeBron. You may think that it is thanks to Spellbound and Akeelah and the Bee that this strange spelling revolution is overtaking this country; that these movies are the reason the finals were aired on primetime on ABC. But, you'd be wrong. Without the Godmother of Spelling herself Rebecca Sealfon we wouldn't know how to spell dyck. Who is she you ask? None other than that still wearing just a big t-shirt and nothing else at thirteen home-schooled sweetheart who took the 1997 Scripps trophy home along with all our hearts. Please, go. (http://www.cnn.com/US/9705/29/spelling.bee.final/bee.39.espn.mov)

Last night, after missing most of the previous two games in the series I had to watch game five of Suns-Mavs. Unfortunately, I have an addiction. I just started season one of 24 last Friday. After skipping the last two games to make room for Jack Bauer in my life, I missed the first two and a half quarters last night to watch a few episodes, I'm now almost done with season two. But, I did turn it on in time to catch the drama. When I flipped to the game it was 66-64 Mavs and the Suns were just about to overtake them. Quickly, Tim Thomas took over with those 12 quick points, doing his weird hand thing after each three-pointer. How did Thomas come up with that? What is he doing? Is he face-guarding himself? One day at home this year while he had accomplished my dream and was being paid millions of dollars to do nothing was he practicing his celebrations in front of the mirror:

Does a shimmy. "No, Antoine already does that." Blows on his fingers. "Cliche, um." (The light goes on.) "Instead of blowing, I'll just put my hand in my face and wave." "Cassandra! (personal assistant) CASSANDRA! Get over here, I need you to review video tape for my comeback. Does anyone else do this when they hit a three-pointer? Can this be my signature thing?"

But, the story of the night ended up being Nowitzki becoming en fuego. The reason Dirk is Open Gym and Kobe is not isn't because Dirk is more lethal offensively, it's just that when he's on, there's even less you can do to stop him. Dirk has a half foot on Kobe, can get any shot off he wants and when he's hitting twenty foot fade aways, driving past you for layups and hitting the three, game over. 22 points and 8 boards in the 4th quarter? Are you kidding? One of the things I appreciate about Nowitzki is that he will have his place in history. No player I have ever seen could've replicated what Nowtizki did last night, the way he did it.

Barry Bonds past Babe Ruth!!!!!!!!!!!! The Oilers and Hurricanes are in the Stanley Cup Finals!!!!!!!!! The National Spelling Bee!!!!!!!!!

Two quick nickname proposals. Can we call Roger Clemens "the Mercenary?" Hasn't he set a new terrible precedent for free agency? Why would any elder free agent do anything differently than the Mercenary just did? Why go through the rigors of spring training, sign with a team that may have injuries and fall out of contention when you could wait until mid-year, hand pick a team that is one player away from something great and a perfect situation for you?

The other, although he has plenty of nicknames is for Mr. Michael Jordan. I just watched the Godfather series for the first time (I know, pathetic it took this long) and the parallels are too great to be ignored. Godfather I, amazing. Pre-Retirement Jordan or Jordan I, amazing. Godfather II, different, still amazing, maybe even better. Post-baseball or Jordan II, same qualities. Godfather III, we'll forgive them because of Godfather I and II, not that bad, just bad compared to Godfather I and II. Wizards Jordan or Jordan III, again, the same. Plus, is there any doubt who the Godfather is to these new young stars taking over the league?

Dirk vs. Pau...Dirk. Dirk vs. Duncan...Dirk. Dirk vs. Nash...Dirk. Dirk vs. Ditka...Dirk. Dirk vs. Jack Bauer...Dirk. (That is with the exception of that one 24 hour period a year where Jack's daughter goes missing AND the world depends on him. "Jack, I'm sorry, Dirk is the enemy. If you let him get off his jump shot and he beats you in one-on-one, they will execute your daughter. I know it doesn't seem fair." "But, Mr. President, didn't you play at Georgetown? Couldn't you for once step up and maybe save my ass?" "Jack, I'm sorry. My wife is back again." "I understand Mr. President." Jack would find his inner-Jordan, but otherwise... DIRK.)

Yo Fuck Joe Theisman

2006-05-30T09:45:00.000-07:00

http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/news/story?id=2463035

We're talking about the same guy who changed the pronounciation of his name so it would rhyme with his Heisman. Joe is right though, we should let Ricky just not play football. But, to say he "insulted the Miami Dolphins," after they gave him a chance to play? Joe, the Dolphins sued Williams for 8 million dollars, including money the Saints had paid him, continue to basically blackmail Williams into playing football with the ruling of that lawsuit and are going to continue to force him to play football until he can't help them any more at which point they will probably try to recuperate the remaining funds and completely ruin his life. Ricky Williams is not a disgrace to the game, Ricky Williams is a guy who was given a gift he didn't want.

Playoffs? Don't talk about playoffs. Are you kidding me? Playoffs?

2006-05-18T10:15:00.000-07:00

From Jim Mora to the media once again, I'm going to ask a few of my least favorite members to stop talking about the playoffs. Or at least to start watching. (Also, for some of the best moments in sports, check out
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2004/scorecard/08/05/interviews/
My favorite has to be Namath trying to kiss Suzy Kolber for the sheer I can't believe this is happening value, but make sure to check out the transcript of the Jim Gray/Pete Rose interview to remember how much of a prick Gray is.)

To Dick Stockton: I know that nobody is perfect. But, Dick, you are so far from perfect it begs the question, are you even watching the game? Why do they give you front row seats near center court if you can't even tell what's going on? I began to pick up on the fact that Stockton seemed to frequently be making mistakes in the game four telecast of the Pistons-Cavs game but I figured it was just an off night. Then, in game five, around the third quarter, I was alone in the room for the first time and actually listening to the announcing. That's when this flurry occurred. It was hard to keep up.

With a few minutes to go in the quarter, Lebron went around an Anderson Varejao pick and the refs called a foul. Initially, it was quite clear to me that the foul was a moving pick on Varejao until Dick started frothing at the mouth, screaming "An offensive foul has been called on Lebron! That's four fouls on Lebron! That is a major turning point in the game." (TNT even showed a graphic on the screen, Lebron James: 4 Personal Fouls.) Then, Reggie Miller, who sounds like he doesn't want to get close to the breathing ghost that is Dick Stockton, chimes in with, "I think they called the foul on Varejao for a moving pick." Stockton responded, "You're right Reggie, they've changed the foul call, it's now being charged to Varejao, that was lucky. I think the Cavs would make that trade anytime." Maybe Dick was right. I tend not to trust anyone that goes by Dick, with Richard, Rich, and Rick all being viable options but maybe Dick was right. Maybe in the span of ten seconds the refs called a foul on Lebron, had a conference, and changed the call to Varejao. But, considering there was no audible reaction from either the Pistons or the Pistons fans, I doubt it. So, why not just admit your wrong Dick? Well, I'll tell you why. Because Dick Stockton belongs in a padded room. He needs to be announcing Chutes n' Ladders and Candyland with Solomon Wilcox not NBA playoff games.

At the start of the fourth quarter, the Cavs dunked the ball to make the score 74-66. Dick screamed, "And, the Cavs go up 6." (I was hoping he'd realize his mistake and say, make that 8, well, the Cavs would trade being up 8 instead of 6 anytime!) But, before I could even complete that thought, the Pistons charged down the court and scored, followed by Stockton's magic "And the Pistons score a quick basket (so far good), there first one of the 3rd quarter." (He technically, didn't spell "their" wrong but I like to imagine that he did.)

Soon after, on one of the pivotal plays of the game, at 77-75, Billups dished the ball to McDyess and then as his momentum carried him into a waiting Varejao, McDyess took off and slam dunked what appeared to be the game-tying basket. The refs blew the whistle and Stockton exclaimed "An offensive foul has been called on McDyess." Reggie replied, "I believe it was called on Billups." Cue, "The Cavs would make that trade any time." This was when I turned the sound off. There was no possible way any sane person watching the game could have come to the conclusion that the offensive foul was called on McDyess. Billups barreled into Varajeo and McDyess had a clear dunking lane. Varejao fell in the direction Billups hit him, which was a complete perpendicular angle from which McDyess took off and dunked the ball. In order to surmise that it was McDyess who initiated the contact, one would have to be blind, insane, or under the belief that McDyess operated with mind bullets. That's telekinesis Kyle.

Which brings me to my conclusion on Dick. I'm not saying all old people are like Stockton, but, I am saying, it is strange that the NBA, the hardest game to referee, has so many very, very old referees. Jess Kersey would be forced to retire from public school teaching by now. When Dick Bevetta calls a blocking foul, he looks surprised that he saw something and the hands to hip motion looks like a difficult yoga move.

I want the players to stop whining to the refs on every call as much as anyone but I can't blame them. The refs are old. They are frail. And, they suck.

That is, with the exception of Joey Crawford. Who looks like a middle-aged bowling ball and believes the fans pay good money to see him and not the players. Here's a quick message for Joey Crawford, if I ever can afford front row season tickets to an NBA game, we'll see how much you can handle from somebody you can't just give a technical to to shut up. You aren't good and you aren't God, Joey, you aren't God.

To Scoop Jackson: You aren't God either, but you are playing with the winds of fate. Here are the last three articles you wrote.

May 1st, The Battle for L.A. - Here's a quick excerpt from the piece on the upcoming Lakers-Clippers series that never materialized: The L.A. story is what it is. The basketball rewrite. It started getting told April 22 after a two-point Clippers win over the Nuggets in the series opener but didn't get nonfictional until the Lakers' 99-93 Wednesday night victory in Phoenix.

Scoop, it never got nonfictional. It never happened. The Suns won 3 straight games and took the series.

You followed that up on May 9th, with this dandy entitled "By losing, Lebron will win." Another quick excerpt, it was hard to pick from the ten different times and ways he resaid, by losing, Lebron will win, but I'll go with: "Which is why this is so revolutionary. Why this series is so consequential. Why the Pistons' winning -- maybe sweeping -- this series will be the best thing that ever happened to LeBron."

I don't know Scoop. Maybe you're just not that good at predicting things. Maybe you should take some time off from writing about what hasn't happened for a little while and concentrate on generating some compound sentences in your free time.

And, finally, I give you, or rather Scoop gives you May 15th, an article on choosing between Sam Cassell and Steve Nash. An article I dare you to read. (http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=jackson/060516)

Never has my gut reaction to a piece of sports journalism been this. Summed up best by a monologue from my favorite Adam Sandler movie. "Mr. (Jackson), what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul."

Sutcliffe

2006-05-12T09:14:00.000-07:00

I have a newfound respect for Rick Sutcliffe. Not as an announcer. But, as a human being. From ChicagoSports.com

Sutcliffe apologizes for bizarre interview
Admits not being in 'optimum condition' during visit to booth

The Associated Press

May 12, 2006

SAN DIEGO -- Rick Sutcliffe, a Cy Young Award winner and ESPN baseball analyst, gave a rambling, slurred interview during the local television broadcast of the Brewers-Padres game Wednesday night.

Sutcliffe's microphone eventually was cut off. Craig Nichols, general manager of Channel 4 San Diego, said Thursday the interview was embarrassing.

Sutcliffe apologized Thursday night in a statement, saying he "exercised bad judgment" by accepting the offer to go on the air.

"I was not in optimum condition to go on live television," he said. "I regret that lapse in judgment and my decision, and I sincerely apologize.

"While spending a week off in California, I planned a day of golf and attendance at a ballgame as a fan with friends. I want to assure everyone that I was not drinking and driving."

Sutcliffe, who used to broadcast Padres games for Channel 4 San Diego, dropped by the broadcast booth late in Wednesday night's game and was welcomed warmly by announcers Matt Vasgersian and Mark "Mud" Grant, a former big-league pitcher.

The three first talked about golf and actor Bill Murray, who was with Sutcliffe at the game. The conversation turned to Sutcliffe's daughter, who, the pitcher said, had been accepted to Harvard Medical School.

That's when Sutcliffe began to meander.

"She's on her way to Africa tomorrow," Sutcliffe said. "How about that? Over there on one of those missions, man. George Clooney--you been reading about all that, you been seeing that?" To which Vasgersian responded with surprise, "George Clooney?"

"Yeah, he's up there with the Congress, he's trying to get everybody to go over there and solve that thing."

Sutcliffe then said: "I'm getting yelled at from Bill Murray in the back. I need to go. I'd much rather hang with you guys."

Grant thanked Sutcliffe for joining them.

"Mud, you're the best, man," Sutcliffe replied. "Anybody on Earth that doesn't like Mark Grant, they've got problems."

Sutcliffe then asked Vasgersian, "Matty, what are you still doing here in San Diego?"

Vasgersian tried to steer the conversation to baseball, but Sutcliffe persisted.

"No, no, no, Matty. Everybody on Earth has been trying to steal you: the Dodgers, the Cubs, ESPN. What are you still doing here?" Sutcliffe's microphone apparently was cut off then, because a voice in the background can be heard saying, "They turned it off."

Based on Sutcliffe's background, "under any other circumstance, I think any other broadcast booth in the world would have invited him in," Nichols said.

"He started talking about things that weren't of interest. It wasn't what we wanted on the air."

Sutcliffe won the NL Rookie of the Year in 1979 with the Dodgers and the Cy Young in 1984 with the Cubs.

Hanging out with Bill Murray? Daughter at Harvard Medical School? Who is this guy?

Post 2 of the day: Raja, Kobe and the soft NBA

2006-05-04T08:59:00.000-07:00

I was a Knicks fan. Back in the 90's when they weren't the laughingstock they have become. (Now, I defer to a guy from my NFL draft party... "I'd say I was an Arizona Cardinals fan, I mean, I'm from Phoenix, but it's hard to be a fan of a team that goes out of its way to try not to win.") But, I was a Knicks fan and I loved the way they played basketball. Dirty. No easy layups. No layups period. When John Starks clotheslined Scottie Pippen in the 1992 playoffs, it was sending a message. It was tip-toeing across the line. It was a flagrant foul. But, he definitely wasn't going to be suspended. It wasn't doing a disservice to the integrity of the game. It was playoff basketball.

So, when I saw Raja lose his head and go all Xavier McDaniel on Kobe, I thought it was great. Up twenty, in the fourth quarter, it was a perfect time for Raja to send a message, to take a cheapshot. After five games, Raja was starting to get to Kobe, on every inbounds play, Raja had both hands on him and was playing that "I'm going to annoy you until you take a swing at me defense" that only a role player can play on an opposing superstar. That, "I hope we both get tossed" defense. And, Kobe had begun to swing elbows in Raja's direction. Had he been caught, he would've been tossed. (When I was in high school, this was my favorite part of basketball. I once even got a technical for putting my hands in the face of a 6'11'' guy for about ten minutes until he complained and the refs took notice.)

Being aggravating is a skill in basketball. It's a war of attrition tactic in which one player admits he is less important to his team than the guy he is covering is to his opponent. Raja Bell has averaged five fouls a game so far in the series. He is doing everything he can to stop Kobe short of punching him in the face. And, that's key here. He hasn't punched Kobe. Did he take a cheapshot? Sure, but as Steve Nash said at the end of game five, when asked if he thought Bell should be suspended, "I don't think so, is it any worse than when Kwame pushed Boris to the ground, stood over him and put his crotch in his face?" Hmm, good point Mr. Nash.

But, of course the NBA was going to suspend Bell. This is a trend, not just in the NBA but in sports itself. Thanks to ESPN showing incidents forty times an hour for four straight days until the video replay is burned into our brains and we can replay it at will, having talking heads debating, screaming and yelling about it, each one taking a more ridiculous view just to get noticed, everything gets blown out of proportion.

Leagues are so scared of athletes fighting, they hinder the integrity of the game to stop it. In baseball, umpires give out warnings so quickly now, I've seen pitchers thrown out of games for accidental backdoor curveballs that hit guys in the hip. As soon as a game becomes tense, pitchers aren't allowed to throw inside. You wonder why Bonds, Giambi and these other power hitters hang over the plate, it's because if a pitcher throws a fastball high and tight to back them off, they risk not being allowed to use half the plate for the rest of the game.

And, you know what, this still didn't stop #1 prospect Delmon Young from hurling his bat at an umpire two weeks ago. Because, sports are tense. They are emotional. And, no matter what leagues do to try and curtail it, emotions will run too high, and players will do crazy things when they become incensed with a call or frusturated beyond the realm of rationality.

So far in this NBA postseason, James Posey and Udonis Haslem had already been suspended a game each for their actions. Posey for hipchecking Kirk Hinrich at full-speed and Haslem for throwing his mouthpiece at referee Joey Crawford. Of the three actions deemed suspension-worthy by the NBA, I believe only Haslem's was deserved.

Sports are reflective of society. Umpires, referees, these are the cops. No matter how crooked they are, or how many calls they screw up, they are the people who have been chosen to uphold the law. And, just as you cannot throw a punch at a cop, you cannot go after a referee. But, the players, they are just normal citizens. And, to keep the metaphor (or is it an analogy?) going, Kobe had basically f'd Raja's wife by elbowing him in the face repeatedly, and Raja retaliated with a vicious clothesline. Just like when Bonds gets beaned and a Giants pitcher protects his guy, and retaliates by hitting the opposing team's star, Raja's clothesline was payback. It was the players' way of sorting things out. He should've been thrown out of the game and that would've been that. Message sent. Instead, the Suns are without their best defender because their guy retaliated.

Wrap-ups and Rewinds

2006-05-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

Last thoughts on the Jets and the draft, I'm trying to digest it all. I understand taking D'Brickashaw (who should go all Ichiro on his jersey) and everyone loves this Mangold character. But, a few things bother me. I think you can get stud OL, or at the very least good OL every year. In such a deep deep skill position class, I wonder if ending up with Kellen Clemens and Leon Washington were the right moves. On the one hand, I love ending up with the Redskins' second round pick next year, but I wonder with Winston Justice still on the board at 35 (although the Jets never could have seen that coming at pick 4), wouldn't they be better off with Leinart, Mangold and Justice than Clemens, Mangold and D'Brickashaw?

What's going to make it even worse is how perfect Leinart's situation is now. He gets a year to learn under Jesus Christ/Kurt Warner and then gets to hand the ball off to Edge and throw to Boldin, Fitzgerald and 6'8'' Leonard Pope. He's going to be a pro bowler in two years. (By the way, comment of the year from my friend Deals, "So, the real question with Leinart going to Phoenix is, does he do Warner's wife or is that where he draws the line? No short-haired, Jesus-freaks who yell at the media and say when referring to Kurt's playing time, 'WE just want to be the starter somewhere.'")

The other thing that bothers me about the Jets draft is some quotes I read from Scouts Inc. First off, this linebacker Schlegel who they took in the third round (who, as we found out later, was drafted because he hunts wild boar with a knife...Napoleon Dynamite is pretty good with a bow staff, doesn't mean he can play linebacker in the NFL), graded out by everyone as a fifth or sixth rounder and the TE they took in the fifth round from Wisconsin was a backup all four years and no one believed he would be drafted. It was like the Jets had a great plan for the first couple of rounds and had spent no time figuring out what to do in the end game. I understand A.J. Nicholson, from Florida St. could end up being Ruben Patterson, but why not take him in the fifth round instead of a backup TE (at WISCONSIN!) and see if maybe he turns into something great. If not, who cares, it's a fifth rounder. The NFL is so risk averse at this point I think it's crazy. Ray Lewis killed a guy! He still brought the Ravens a Super Bowl. Marcus Vick pulled a gun on some kids who were taunting him and stomped on that Louisville guy, he still runs a 4.4 forty and throws better than his brother. I'm pretty sure the NFL colluded and told everyone, we're going to prove a point after the 3rd round Maurice Clarett fiasco, no one's taking this guy.

With the way Winston Justice, Jimmy Williams, LenDale White and Vick fell, I just get the feeling the 32 white owners, about 31 white gms and the almost all-white behind the scenes executive branch to the NFL looked at these guys and thought "We're not giving millions of dollars to some think's he's entitled gun-toting 'n*&^%$' " There can be no other explanation. I'm sorry. I don't care how much controversy T.O. has caused, I don't care how blue-collar the super bowl champion Steelers are or how much Hines Ward smiles, you can't succeed in the NFL without talent.

Look at Marcus Williams and the NBA, do you think he's going to drop out of the first round because he stole laptops? No, because the NBA cares about talent and they see the best incoming point guard in the league; Kobe Bryant forced Shaq off his team and lost a civil suit saying he forced himself upon a woman, he's still the best player in the league. Terrell Owens was still the difference between a super
bowl bound Eagles team and the one that couldn't get over the hump the previous four years.

I think whereas the Jets went all vanilla on us, a good strategy to get back to respectability, the Titans went after this draft trying to win a super bowl. To end up with Vince Young and Lendale White, they ended up with two of the best three players from last year's national championship game. And, I'm definitely being them in Madden next year.

I don't know. I'm disappointed White fell so far and the Jets weren't the team to draft him. I'm pissed the Jets drafted nothing exciting because they were so scared of character. (Except for Brad Smith, this Randle-El type QB they got in the fourth round...three rounds too early. Are you telling me Smith at pick 100 is better than asking Vick to do the same thing at pick 230?)

The Copycat League that is the NFL is predictable as ever. Randle-El threw a trick-play touchdown in the Super Bowl, ten guys are the next Randle-El in this year's draft. Good Character teams win the Super Bowl, everyone drafts for character. (By the way, on Sunday, day 2 of the draft, around the 148th pick, ESPN was talking about the Steelers draft and put this up on the screen: Pittsburgh Steelers, 2005 record: 11-5 (won Super Bowl). Don't insult your audience. I'm watching the fifth round of the draft at 11:30 am on a Sunday, I know who won the super bowl.) Sixth rounder, Tom Brady has unprecedented success, every QB taken from round 2 on could be the next Tom Brady.

Two years from now, when the Titans have the best backfield in sports, teams won't care as much about character and will only draft what they should, talent.

Travel

2006-04-28T20:54:00.001-07:00

Congrats to LeBron on making a game-winner and breaking the rookie road scoring record or whatever. But, on that shot, did anyone else notice LeBron took FIVE 5 FIVE FIVE 5 FIVE steps??!??? He stepped, jump stopped, and then took two more! I know he's in that star's can't travel category, but 5? Give him those five steps from halfcourt at full-speed and he could probably dunk the ball.

With the bumbling Texans taking Mario Williams #1, which will go down in the Sam Bowie realm of mistakes, I hope you are all praying for me that the Jets trade up and take Bush 2. If they do, we end up with Bush, no Cutler...amazing. If we don't, we're looking at Ferguson and either Cutler or Brodie Croyle. Yuck.

And, just one more point on the draft. Last year, Alex Smith went #1 overall, this year, Alex wouldn't even go in the first round this year as he would be the 4th highest rated QB. What's my point? Why, if you're the Jets, and you're going to be terrible next year either way and will have a high pick in the 2007 draft, why would you choose Ferguson over Leinart? If the Jets take Ferguson and then take one of the 2nd-tier Qb's like Croyle or Clemmons, you invest a couple years in that 2nd tier guy which means that next year when you pick in the top five you won't pick Brady Quinn. This means you'll end up without a top tier QB when you have the chance at two of them. All because you want a top 5 left tackle protecting your bum of a QB's backside.

Just look at the Ravens offense and Jonathan Ogden. Ogden is arguably the best OL in the NFL and has been for the past 5 years. And, the Ravens offense during that time has been abysmal. BECAUSE OFFENSIVE LINEMAN DO NOT PUT POINTS ON THE BOARD!

Unlike in '04, in '06, I'll vote, I'll fundraise, I'll donate to the Bush campaign.

2006: The Crossroads

2006-04-23T17:51:00.000-07:00

According to many liberals, the 2004 presidential election was a major crossroads for the United States. A crossroads that resulted in my seeing American Dreamzzzzzzzzzzzz, which was slightly worse than Lucky Number Slevin, something at the time I thought to be an impossibility, back to the point. The crossroads. Hunter S. Thompson killed himself because at the 2004 crossroads, the American people stood up and chose God over "well, at least he's not Bush."

Next Saturday, the New York J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets franchise will have reached a similar point. At least for one fan. (Me) And, should they go in one direction, I will no longer bleed gang green.

The Jets own the fourth pick in next week's draft. They have made it very clear they are not going to sacrifice their whole draft to trade up and take Reggie Bush. So, assuming the Texans take Bush, in some order the draft will go Bush to the Texans, Mario Williams/ D'Brickashaw Ferguson to the Saints and Vince Young/Matt Leinart to the Titans. That will leave the Jets at pick four, looking at whichever two players the Saints and Titans don't take, A.J Hawk, Vernon Davis and Jay Cutler. Let me give you my own uneducated quick breakdown of each possible player.

Mario Williams: A physical freak of a DE, he never put up great numbers in college but has shot up the draft charts with his unbelievable workouts. (Doesn't this sound just like Dewayne Robertson, who two years ago the Jets traded two first round picks to get and who has with the exception of a couple flashes been an overall disappointment? Also, can Williams be 25 picks better than the #29 pick they traded Pro Bowl DE John Abraham for?)

D'Brickashaw Ferguson: By all accounts, the next great OT. (Just a quick reminder, the Jets owned the first pick in the draft the year Orlando Pace came out of college and the Jets traded down to take James Farrior and a bunch of crap. Pace went on to be a top OT for years, Farrior was released by the Jets only to become a pro bowler on the super bowl champion Steelers.)

Matt Leinart: The best college QB ever, the safe QB pick, the only question seems to be if his arm is good enough to operate in the wind.

Vince Young: The riskiest QB, also the one with the highest ceiling. I've heard many detractors point to his Wonderlic test and also say with Young's rare skill set, it will be tough because you will have to have two offenses, one for your normal QB and one designed for Young. How this is a flaw I don't know. Young presents you with an opportunity to completely reinvent the game. More on Vince later.

AJ Hawk: Going to be a very good linebacker. With what Scouts Inc. referred to as the least-talented roster in the NFL, it doesn't make much sense to me for the Jets to choose a linebacker with Vilma, Hobson and Barton.

Vernon Davis: Another physical freak, this one at tight end, Davis runs a 4.38 40, bench presses 225 pounds 1000 times or so, can jump over a building, yada, yada, yada. The Jets traded last year's first round pick for TE Doug Jolley in another brilliant draft day move. This resulted in Jolley backing up longtime backup Chris Baker for most of the year. Baker ended up being a very solid pass catching tight end and put up good numbers despite having Lord Voldemort and Brooks Bollinger throwing to him. But, in a draft stocked with good tight ends, I don't think the Jets can justify taking Davis 4, when they could get Dominique Byrd, Marcedes Lewis or Leonard Pope at 35.

Finally, Jay Cutler: I will not participate in the Jay Cutler era. Having been through two stints with Lord V., the Leon Hess, going to die soon, "I'm replacing Pete Carroll with Rich Kotite because I want to win now" which resulted in the Jets going 4-28 era, I don't know how much more I can take. I even, almost enjoyed, the Herman Edwards era of "We play to win the game. So, why would you want a coach who is in charge of the offense, the defense, or the special teams? In fact, why would you be concerned that I become the first head coach to hire someone else to make time management and game decisions?" An era that finished off with a meaningless victory over the Bills moving the Jets down from pick three to pick four. Do you have more respect for the Clippers who tanked their season to get an easier draw and therefore a better chance in the playoffs or for the Jets players who won a meaningless game with only negative implications going to the winner...especially considering that Herm toook off for the Chiefs this off-season?

But, back to Jay. Cutler went to Vanderbilt where he shined on a mediocre team only to breakthrough in the minds of scouts in the senior bowl (where Leinart and Young didn't show) and in his workouts. Cutler, although known to sometimes force it and make bad decisions, has the strongest arm of the three QBs and many are jumping on the bandwagon that Cutler has some Marino or Favre in that gunslinging arm of his. Hmm, great arm and bad decisions. That's right folks, get ready for more of the cringe, hands to the helmet, "I thought we were wearing red jerseys" Vinny Testerverde face! Strong arm, small program, no wins. Doesn't this sound like Kyle Boller a few years ago who skyrocketed up the draft boards because he could throw a ball through the uprights on his knee from midfield? Or like Patrick Ramsay who didn't materialize, who the Jets already traded for this off-season?

The Jets sent owner Woody Johnson, GM Mike Tenenbaum and new coach Eric Mangini to wine, dine and workout Cutler. They sent only Tenenbaum and Mangini to drill Leinart and only Offensive Coordinator Brian Schottenheimer to interview Vince Young. Unless this is one giant smokescreen, the Jets made it quite clear they are highest on Cutler...because with his Godsend of an arm, he can navigate the ball through the howling winds of the Meadowlands. NOOOOOOO! To this I say No! If the Jets select Cutler ahead of either of the two Rose Bowl participants, I will renounce them. I repeat, I will not participate in the Jay Cutler era. If it turns out I'm wrong and Cutler leads them to glory, I won't watch. The Jets and I will take a few years off from each other.

To put some things in perspective, you have to understand what the celestial ramifications are if the Jets take Cutler. In 1983, the Jets selected QB Ken O'Brien with the twenty-fourth pick in the draft...three picks later all-time passing leader Dan Marino went to the Dolphins. In 1985, the Jets had the tenth pick and took wide receiver Al Toon...six picks before the San Francisco 49ers selected all-time receiving leader Jerry Rice. In 1990, with the second pick in the draft the Jets selected all-time flop RB Blair Thomas...fifteen picks later all-time rushing leader Emmitt Smith went to the Dallas Cowboys.

Yes, that's right. The Jets selected QB Ken O'Brien, WR Al Toon and RB Blair Thomas in front of the all-time leaders in passing yards, receiving yards and rushing yards. If the Jets select Cutler in front of Vince Young or Leinart, go straight to Vegas and bet the ranch on whomever they pass up breaking every record known to man.

I have a feeling the Jets will end up with D'Brickashaw. In which case, I'll be happy we have a stud OL, although I'll wonder what we're paying him to protect. Defense may win championships, but on offense, it doesn't matter if your QB never gets sacked if he can't throw. It doesn't matter if there are gaping holes for your running back if he runs the 40 in 6 seconds like Curtis Martin now does. With Pennington/Ramsay, Grandpa Martin and Coles/McCairen how are the Jets going to get first downs?

If the Jets are, as so many claim, the least-talented roster in the NFL, they aren't going to be good for a while. It doesn't matter if they strike it rich with all five of their picks in the first three rounds, players take a while to get adjusted to the NFL. And, why not take Young? Yes, it may take him a couple years to learn how to play QB in the NFL but when he does, lookout.

Young's detractors will point to his Rose Bowl victory and say the USC defense was suspect and look to throw that performance out the window. Fine. Why not look at what Young did in game two against an Ohio St. defense that might have four first round picks? He completed 62% of his passes, for 270 yards and two touchdowns. Oh yeah, most importantly he got the W. Or if that's not enough, allow me to point you to the 38-37 box score of the 2004 Rose Bowl against what many considered to be the finest defense in college football that year, the Michigan Wolverines. Sure four of five of Young's touchdowns came through running the ball but so what? He's not like Michael Vick, who operates best with a run-first mentality. Young looks for the open guy and then beats you with his legs.

And, speaking of athletic QBs, they may not have a super bowl victory, but guys who are as physically freakish as Young, have never been bad either. Ahem, Michael Vick, Daunte Culpepper, Donovan McNabb. (Which reminds me, I know "character" is important or whatever, but if some team doesn't take a flyer on Marcus Vick in the sixth round, the NFL is crazy. Sure, Marcus is a dick, but he's also a Vick. He's slightly slower and less agile than Michael, but he has a better, more accurate arm. Don't you think the Falcons would trade some of Michael's agility for some more accuracy? And, didn't Michael go #1 overall?) I don't know much about football, definitely not on the technical level of a Mangini or Tenenbaum, but I do know that Vince Young is a winner. And, I'd much rather have that than a guy who went 2-10 as a sophomore, 2-9 as a junior and 5-6 as a senior.

The NFL Draft starts this Saturday at noon. The Jets will probably be on the clock at around 12:40. If the Jets select Cutler, his 9-25 record the past three years, and his strong arm over Vince's singlehanded national championship, 3/4 arm angle and unlimited potential, I will take eight shots and be plastered by 1. Then, I'll proceed to go on an all-night drinking binge, probably wake up next to a half-eaten salami sandwich, and go directly to Ebay to purchase both chasers for my next hangover and a brand spanking new Chad Johnson Bengals jersey.

Duke Lacrosse

2006-04-20T08:32:00.000-07:00

So, I'm all caught up. I've read the horrific email about skinning and killing strippers. I've read everything the news has to report. I even looked at the six pictures the defense released to NBC; pictures they believe will exonerate the defendants. The six released pictures include a picture showing one of the defendants at the party, the accuser on the floor of the party with her shoe off, a twenty minute time gap during the time the accuser says she was raped, a kid's watch and the accuser outside. So, we've got the defendant at the location of the incident and the timegap, how does this prove they're innocent again?

Here's what I think. Instead of suspending the Duke lacrosse team this year, why don't we just get rid of collegiate lacrosse in general?

Is lacrosse an under the radar spectator sport? I don't think so. It's pretty much hockey but at a much slower pace. It's pretty boring to watch. I've dabbled in lacrosse and I admit it is fun to play. But, who plays it? Who benefits from the scholarships handed out? I think, pretty much, rich white people and a few Native Americans.

I went to one party in college at the lacrosse fraternity. It was the only time in four years that someone actually tried to start a fight with me. It was a toga party. And, I got dragged there by some friends and we were not wearing togas. Some guy, about 6' 190, like every lacrosse player, in a toga, sneered at me, 6' 158, for about twenty seconds before working up the courage to sip his beer and say "Nice toga." I was wearing my usual black hoodie and jeans. I looked down at what I was wearing and responded "Thanks, you like it? I spent a lot of time on the shoulder part this morning." This resulted in him pushing me up against a wall and the following altercation:

"You think you're funny? Who the fuck are you smartass?"
"Dude, are you seriously about to fight me because I don't have a toga?"
"Fuckin' smartass. Look around, it's a toga party."

Like I hadn't noticed that from our initial conversation and all the people in togas. Eventually, my hockey-playing friend, Joe, 6'3'' 245, came over and smoothed everything out. But, in my time at school, a school which features an all-white lacrosse team with most players coming from private schools, I met about two good guys that played lacrosse. I came across the n word more with my infrequent run-ins with the lacrosse team than anywhere else.

Finally, one night as a junior, a couple friends and I went to an off-campus party at the hockey house. When we showed up, we were all sober, about a half hour later, one of my (girl) friends was all over the place drunk, I didn't really put two and two together at the time. The next day, I got a call from her saying that she had woken up next to someone, couldn't remember anything and thought and felt like she had been raped; the person she woke up to just happened to be a certain member of the lacrosse team. Unfortunately, despite my insisting, rather than do anything about it, she was freaked out by his rich background and didn't want to go through the accusation mudslinging process.

The lax culture is unnecessary in the college environment and I'm not saying that only "bad" people play lacrosse or that no "bad" people play football or basketball, but whereas football and basketball provide enormous school pride, funds and opportunity, college lacrosse seems to have more negatives than positives.

Priorities

2006-04-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

With the rebirth of Christ, err, I mean, baseball, I've been faced with a major dilemma this spring, best represented with a math equation:
(Writing=Difficult + hard to start + work) + (Watching baseball=Passive + Easy) = Quit Writing + Watching Baseball.

I understand that the rewards of watching baseball are very short-term and shortsighted and should I be 40 or 50, and like Jack Mead, still getting the most pleasure in my life from my fantasy team I will have turned into something I don't want to be. (Jack Mead is an old lunatic in my NL Only Auction League I've been in since 1994. Jack is the guy with no job, who after paying 45 dollars on Todd Helton, was near suicidal with Helton struggling from the plate, wrote the Rockies a letter about how he had been studying video and picked up a flaw in Helton's swing...he got a return thank you letter and Helton blew up the rest of the year.)

But, watching baseball is soooooooooo easy!!! I just have to sit down and use a remote. Meanwhile, writing requires thought and typing, and time commitments and I just can't get myself to do it. So, what to do? WHAT TO DO?

Well, for one thing, I definitely have it in me to write some random thoughts and blurbs down on the page without worry or concern about coming to conclusions or finishing what I started.

So, here goes.

As I discussed earlier, I've been watching waaaaaaaaaaay too much baseball. And, I have noticed some things. First off, there was rumblings from Peter Gammons and other ESPN insiders that despite what we were first led to believe by the crushing home run numbers and gigantic cartoonish power hitters, more pitchers were actually taking steroids than hitters. Supposedly, pitchers could get 5-6 extra mph on their fastball from taking a little juice in the ass. Well, based on the huge offensive numbers this year, I began to become a believer. Plus, as I've watched pitcher after pitcher top out at 88-89 mph, it's becoming quite clear that this is true. Hey Jason Schmidt, why are you all of a sudden a 91-92 mph pitcher instead of a 96-98?? Eric Gagne. Cough. A lot of guys velocities are way down and I think this is not just the cold of April. It will stay this way all year.

I know that Bonds has to be the scapegoat because he has benefited the most from using steroids but as a constant Barry sympathizer, again, I say you without sin cast the first stone! or whatever. What would you do if the drug wasn't outlawed by major league baseball, 30-60 percent of your colleagues were using it to pass you by and far inferior players were outshining you? In order to make it to DI baseball, let alone the Minors, the Majors, an all-star game, or to be a perennial all-star, you have to be incredibly competitive, have to want to be the best and have to be willing to do nearly anything to succeed. That's what leads batters who are struggling to cork their bats, and a pitcher not carrying his weight to carry sandpaper around in his backpocket and hoch lugies on a ball.

Barry Bonds was the son of a great ballplayer and the godson of the legend Willie Mays. In 1998, he had already won 6 gold gloves, 3 MVP's, and was soon to be the first ever member of the 500 home run, 500 stolen base club. Suddenly, as age was catching up to him, Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire were baseball's new golden children, breaking home run records left and right. Despite talk about the supplements and possible steroid use, baseball turned a blind eye as McGwire and Sosa's chase at Maris rejuvenated the public and brought the crowds back to the park. Meanwhile, according to even the lowest of estimates, one in four players in the majors was juicing. Bonds' bat no longer caught up to the 95 mph fastball and Bonds numbers were suddenly not awe-inspring but rather ordinary. Sniffle. He juiced.

Does this make it right? I don't think so. But, to all those of you that say, it may not have been illegal in baseball but it was illegal in America (which is itself, a stupid argument because steroids were so readily available in Latin America during this time, to expect the game to be governed by the American government would be to expect only foreign players to take advantage of the juice), I ask you, have you ever broken the speed limit while driving? And, in the world of corked bats, spitballs and human growth hormones, much like a highway in Utah, it ain't cheating if you don't get caught. And, unlike Palmeiro, Bonds has never tested positive for steroids.

I hold Barry in the same contempt as Yale does of potheads. I was taught as a freshman counselor, that although it is against the law in Connecticut to smoke pot, pot smoking is a tolerated illegal activity by the administration and if you smell smoke coming from a dorm room, you could talk to the freshman about it, but no punishment was handed out. The only truly illegal activity in freshman dorms was having a keg. And, the only truly illegal activity from 1998-2003 in baseball was corking your bat. Steroids were just part of the game.

So, if you're going to go after Barry because you don't want to see "714" tarnished, go after Eric Gagne and his Cy Young award. Investigate the rejuvenated Roger Clemens and his 3 Cy Youngs in his late 30's. Ask Mike Piazza why the so-called best hitting catcher of all-time managed to go from a 62nd round draft pick to a mammoth opposite field power hitter and why as soon as steroids were banned, he fell apart. But, most importantly, go after Bud Selig. Who, saw that through tolerating the drug abuse and promoting the freak show display of power, while presuming ignorance managed to reap the benefits for himself and his fellow owners while placing the blame on the shoulders of the Bonds, the Sosas and the Palmeiros.

MVP

2006-04-17T10:37:00.000-07:00

I've been watching just an unhealthy amount of baseball so far this spring. I've all but forgotten the NBA exists with my triple crown fantasy title wrapped up and my favorite real team still technically being the Knicks. I do have this to say about basketball, with the playoff 7 game series setup and the grinding atmosphere of playoff basketball; the best team almost always wins. Look forward to an excting playoffs capped off with a boring finals with Detroit beating San Antonio. I keep catching myself thinking, maybe LeBron can singlehandedly guide the Cavs past the Pistons and into the conference finals or maybe Duncan and Ginobili are so banged up they won't be able to get past the Mavericks in the conference semifinals. But, then I remember that the NBA is all about hegemony. The best team always wins. That's why, unlike in other sports, there are constant dynasties in basketball. (Pistons win 89 + 90, Bulls 91-93, Rockets 94 + 95, Bulls 96-98, Spurs 99, Lakers 00-02, Spurs 03, Pistons 04, Spurs 05. In 17 years, only five franchises and six teams, old Pistons/new Pistons have won the championship.) So, look forward to another Pistons or Spurs victory.

Who's the MVP this year in bball? Considering I can't vote for anyone who publicly fights with their coach, I guess Starbury is out of the running. Otherwise, he'd be right there leading the Knicks to a 22-58 record. I've given this debate a lot of thought and have wavered between Nash, Kobe, LeBron, Dirk and Melo over the past few weeks. With the CaveMonster Chris Kaman blooming in the background.

My 12 guys who deserve honorable mention: Jason Richardson (team's horrible), Paul Pierce (team's horrible), Gilbert Arenas (a glorified shoot-first point guard ala Jason Terry), Kirk Heinrich (worst haircut ever, both loses and gains points for that), Rasheed Wallace, Ben Wallace and Rip Hamilton (too much of a team for anyone to get real MVP consideration yet at the sametime overshadowed by Billups), Jason Kidd (have you seen his chlid? loses points), Chone Marion (thanks to Figgins, this is how I spell Shawn now, Marion has been a stud on an undersized Phoenix team but you can't crack the top ten if you're not the mvp of your own team) Vince Carter (absolutely carried the Nets on two different occasions both resulting in the Nets playing like they were the best team in the NBA, still loses points for Raptors antics), Pau Gasol (The only playoff team who's starting five I couldn't name, I barely know where the Memphis Grizzlies play, they're so vanilla and boring. The Grizzlies have turned into the late 90's Orioles, I guess they're pretty good, no chance at ever making the jump.), and finally Tony Parker (If Billups gets votes for being the best player on the best team, Parker deserves mention for being the MVP on the second-best team.)

10. Chris Paul Absolutely carried the Hornets and my first-place fantasy team. I almost put David West, Raja Bell and Boris Diaw somewhere on this list because they were so essential to my victory as free agent pickups but in real basketball all paled in comparison to Paul. If the teams drafting this year, most notably the Hawks, learned anything from watching the effect a pure point guard like Paul has on the game, they will go out and get Marcus Williams. In this year's weak WEAK draft, I would take Williams ahead of TANAKA Thomas, Rudy Sure-Disappointment Gay, The Down Syndrome Uni-Bomber, everyone. Except for Lamarcus Aldridge, who's ceiling may be that of Elton Brand's (not bad), but whose floor is a lot lower than all these other guys.

9. Speaking of Elton. Great year, still, when the game's on the line, the Clips turn to Sam Cassell. If you're wondering why Garnett is struggling with no talent around him, but thrived with a happy Sam I am, here's why. Garnett is not a first option offensively. He can't take over a game on the offensive end because it is his instincts to play within the offense and change the game defensively. In fact, thinking about the past 17 years of champions, no Garnett type has won a title. Shawn Kemp and Karl Malone came close but really, if we consider Duncan a center, which in reality, he is, no power forward who is the star of his team has won a title during this run. We've seen Isiah, Jordan, Hakeem, Jordan, Duncan, Shaq/Kobe, Duncan, the Pistons and Duncan.

8. Chauncy Billups has been great but replace him with the league average and you still have the best team in the east.

7. Dwyane Wade may be statistically the best player on the planet and he may have carried a Heat team with a breaking down Shaquille O'Neal, but a breaking down Shaquille is still better than what anyone else gets out of their center position. I like Dwyane a lot, I don't like how he spells his name, but him, I like him a lot. But, like Kobe before him, I will not give him credit for dominating with Shaq on his team. It's SHAQ!

6. Steve Nash. Before the Amare sighting followed by the Suns struggling to the finish line, I was pretty sure Nash was the MVP. And, maybe I'm selling him short for not keeping it up in games that don't matter, but it is the MVP of the whole season. And, Nash hasn't done much the last twenty games and the Suns are struggling. Still, for what he did the first 3/4 of the year, he makes the list.

5. Based on the reason Nash won last year, which was without him the Suns stunk, with him they dominated, I think Ron Artest has to make the top five. The Pacers were 10-7 when Artest ruined their season. When the Kings traded for Artest, they were 18-24, far out of the playoff picture in the West, getting murdered defensively. Since the trade, Artest and the Kings are 25-14 and the most intimidating 8 seed since the last-seeded Knicks represented the East in the 1999 Finals.

4. "Open Gym" has been a stud all year this year and he won the 3-point contest to further his reputation as the best shooting 7 footer in history. But, many writers have written about how Dirk hasn't even been the most indispensable player on his own team, instead placing that honor around the neck of Josh Howard. That's one of those untrue truisms where clearly Dirk is more important to the Mavericks success but without Howard playing well also the Mavs cannot dominate.

3. Maybe it's still the remnanats in my mind of him winning Syracuse the 2003 NCAA championship, but I love Melo's game. And, the Nuggets have literally no one else that can score. People talk about other guys carrying lowly supporting casts but the Nuggets are an interesting case. They have a lot of guys that can play defense, especially the Cambyman, but with KMart in and out all year and Boykins being out most of the year, Melo has fought through constant double teams and defensive attention to score nearly 30 a game since December. Yeah, he doesn't play defense, but his team doesn't need him to and if you were to take Melo off the Nuggets, they would be the worst offensive team of all-time. Instead, they are a run n' gun tough bunch of lunatics that, if Phoenix can't get their act together, will be in the conference finals.

2. Lebron has been a stud of late. But, he doesn't play defense. It's not that Lebron doesn't try, it's just that he's such an atheltic freak, he's never learned how to play d. But, at this level, he can't get away with just athleticism and he needs to sit down with Scottie Pippen to figure out the fundamentals.

I was at a Wizards-Cavs game earlier this year where the Wizards blew the Cavs out. And, they must have scored 20-30 points just on pick n' rolls against Lebron. He didn't know what to do. Lebron left his man to hedge on Arenas, his man streaked to the bucket for an easy layup or flared out for an open three, Lebron stayed with his man, Arenas went to the basket or pulled up for an easy jumper. Sometimes, Lebron was so lost, both Arenas and Jamison would get open. Lebron is close. And, I stand by what I said earlier, pay attention, we are watching the best player of all-time. But, we're not there yet.

1. I hate agreeing with the Sports Guy. It makes me feel like even more of a wannabe. But, considering I wrote about how Kobe was the MVP three months ago, I don't feel bad. And, it's true. Kobe is the best player in the NBA right now, and therefore, he almost has to be the most valuable player. (With the exception of the Pistons 88, 89, 04, arguably the best or second best player in the NBA has won the title the past 17 years, along with the best team.) Add in Smush, Kwame and Luke being the 3rd, 4th and 5th best players on a Western conference playoff-bound team, and what Kobe has done this year has been nothing short of incredible. But, what's interesting is how much this is like Arod winning the MVP on the last place Rangers. Yes, no other player in the league could do as much with these Lakers as Kobe, but put Kobe on the Pistons, or Spurs, or Mavericks or Heat instead of Hamilton, Ginobili, Howard or Wade and I think each of those teams would be worse.

Bad Announcing

2006-04-11T07:26:00.001-07:00

I was watching the Braves-Phillies game last night on ESPN and Will Ferrell needs to reinvent his Dan Fouts character and play Rick Sutcliffe. Sutcliffe teeters and totters all over the booth in his pregame speech, screaming and yelling cliche after cliche into the microphone without ever having one intelligent thought.

Sutcliffe did manage to compare Ryan Howard to both Willie Stargell AND Dontrelle Willis. There has been a lot written about how any good white basketball player is always compared to Larry Bird, much like Adam Morrison and how that shows we can't get past race or whatever. This, I think sets a new precedent. Howard may swing like Willie Stargell but comparing him to one of the two only hyped young black pitchers in the game? I was just waiting for Howard to pull an oblique muscle so Sutcliffe could say, "MAN, HOWARD PULLED THAT OBLIQUE MUSCLE JUST LIKE C.C. SABATHIA, THEY'RE BOTH BIG AND BLACK!!!!! GIVE ME A CHEESEBURGER! AARRFFF!" It's sad enough to read Peter Gammons columns about how on an amateur level, baseball has cut off the black community. And, it's true. If you look around the league, black baseball players are the equivalent of white American NBA players. The league's two diversity breakdowns are very similar if you compare the Latin American influence in baseball with the Eastern European in basketball. Then, add in a couple weird ones. Ginobili from Argentina is like Ichiro from Japan. Think about it. Think about it.

But, getting back to Sutcliffe, he refers to the one Cy Young award he won in 1984 the way I talk about my one catch in organized football as if it affirms we know what we're talking about. I looked up that 1984 award, when Sutcliffe got traded early in the season from the American League Cleveland Indians to the NL Chicago Cubs. As a Tribesman, he was 4-5, striking out less than 6 guys per 9IP, and had a 5.15 ERA. Even now, with interleague play and large free agent player movement, when a player switches leagues or comes up as a rookie midseason and faces new pitching or hitting they often perform significantly better until they are figured out. (Jeff Francoeur, ahem.) In 1984, without the player movement, the interleague play and the capabilities of video equipment, it is easy to see how Sutcliffe went 15-1 as a Cub, striking out over a batter an inning with a 2.69 ERA for the remainder of the year.

It should be noted that the next year, he went 8-8 and followed that up with a brilliant 5-14 campaign. What's my point? Why don't you step off my d*&$ and let me get to it? Rick Sutcliffe was an average pitcher. And, if you were only an average ballplayer, you shouldn't be a national broadcaster unless you can bring something to the telecast. This bothers me.

It's like Tino Martinez on Baseball Tonight. Maybe Martinez is just getting used to the new setting, is still a little nervous, but it's laughable to hear him give anaylsis. "Karl, this guy is a professional hitter, he can really stroke it to all fields and as you can see here with this home run, he'll hit your mistakes." "Karl, Colorado is a hitter's ballpark, there are going to be more runs scored than in San Diego." Just once, I want Karl to turn to him, imitating the way he speaks in clauses and say, "Tino, you were lucky to be in the right place at the right time as a Yankee, you're far from a hall-of-famer, and unless you can say one thing about baseball that anyone watching Baseball Tonight doesn't know, no, you know what, you're fired. Bring back Bobby V from Japan."

But, maybe this is what it takes for a lot of these guys to be sucessful ballplayers. Maybe you have to think in cliches. I was a very streaky high school hitter because I went up to the plate thinking about ten thousand different things. And, I couldn't see the rotation on the ball meaning unless it was a fastball going 75-85 on the inner half of the plate, I was in deep sh##. But, I watch Manny Ramirez out there and I see that he's thinking about daisies or what color to dye his hair. It's as if hitting a baseball comes so naturally to him that he doesn't even have to focus on it. Why is it so hard for ESPN to fill each booth with a good anouncer? Where's Al Leiter these days? Have they given Rick Sutcliffe a lifetime deal? And, are play-by-play men required to be like 5'5'' so that when they show the broadcasting team, you're in awe of the athlete? Seriously, other than Jon Miller and Joe Morgan, name me one tall play-by-play guy? Joe Buck. Um, Vin Scully. I met Gary Cohen once, he isn't short. I'm trying to make a point. Yeah, but your point sucks. No, your point sucks. Good comeback.

Here's the point. Rick Sutcliffe needs to shave his goatee and get off the air. I think closely shaven facial hair is a corollary for bad color commentary. Really, what my suggestion would be to solve all the boring announcing problems is stick one play-by-play guy in the booth with a lunatic fan from each team and just let them loose. Then, instead of filling the dead time with trivial boring stories about where Todd Helton went to elementary school and what his teacher said or whatever, we'd hear things like "I saw Todd Helton once at a nudy bar, can I say nudy bar, anyway, I was like 'You're Todd Helton,' and he was like 'Lap dances help me with my back problem.' So, I've seen him there a lot this spring, I think he's in for a good year."

By Request: March Sadness

2006-03-24T21:12:00.000-08:00

Let's just get this out of the way. There have been some terrible, almost unbearable March Madness commercials. Starting with the collection of Cingular commercials starring that Asian guy with the cool phone and the annoying White guy who has "March Sadness." Why, when this century's Abbott and Costello are discussing the merits of today's paper news vs. Cingular's live action news are they so unspecific? That guy's elbow is hurt, Tech's this, State's that...you are the official phone of the tournament or whatever, use real names! Or the green and white face paint in their other ad, are they cheering for that black guy in the Enterprise commercial who's wondering why they're number 1 if he has a foam #1 hand on his hand? I know why you're not number 1, it's because you're wearing a foam hand on a fucking enterprise commercial!!!!!

But, the fun doesn't stop there. No, from the full body painted guy with Jean Stewart in the Allstate commercial to the repetitive Applebee's ad that conjures up the feeling of what watching Because of Winn Dixie would be like, this month has marked the low point in adver--I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT AIG!

Deep Breath.

As for the tournament, it has been as usual, the best America has to offer in the sporting world. Although this year's USC-Texas game was probably the best sporting event I've witnessed in a few years, usually, thanks to BCS controversy, college football has an anticlimatic ending. If college football could look to it's March Madness brother, they would see a major opportunity to solidify a shoddy system and go with a 6-8 team playoff.

With buzzer beater galore, and upsets left and right, my bracket was recently crushed. I had picked LSU over Duke and had a chance to take over my office pool lead with West Virginia, Boston College and Gonzaga wins. Ouch. Each team lost with 10 seconds or less to go. But, if there's one thing to take from this, and maybe it's only this year, but the higher seed will almost always pull through. Take the UConn-Washington Husky Husky matchup. There was no reason for UConn to win that game but somehow, some way they pulled through. The same can be said for UCLA and Villanova.

So, through three rounds (and almost a half of the LSU-Texas game) who is my all-tournament team you're probably itching to know? Well, I'll tell you.

All-Tournament team
Marcus Williams
Randy Foye
Joakim Noah
Tyrus Thomas
LaMarcus Aldridge

Marcus Williams has had a wonderful tournament and has surprisingly had to carry the #1 ranked and heavily-favored Huskies. Randy Foye scored something like 18 straight points while Allen Ray was out of rhythm to carry Nova pass BC in a matchup between two of the five best teams in this tournament. Noah has a sweet name, an even better lineage and a Kirilenko like stat line from game to game. Tyrus "Tanaka" Thomas makes the team as the LSU representative. Really, Big Baby or the little point guard that hit the game winner against Texas A&M could have been chosen, but I'll go with Tanaka. I don't if you remember Tanaka and his crazy facial expressions from Major League II but somewhere Thomas picked them up. If you need to watch his dunk, crazy face, block sequence late in the Duke game again to know what I'm talking about, please do so. It is also easy fun to yell TANAKA! every time Thomas throws one down or throws another attempted shot. He is an athletic freak.

As for Aldridge, I give him a separate paragraph because he signifies something much bigger than the tournament. He represents the return of the center that has occurred this month. Between Bradley's Patrick O'Bryant, Georgetown's Roy Hibbert and Aldridge we have seen effective post moves, inside outside games, and a possible return to a forgotten position. My theory has always been Shaq and kids leaving early ruined the center position. Once Shaq got in the league, there was no place for the Ewings, Olajuwons or Robinsons because Shaq was so unstoppable, if you couldn't beat him, you needed to be something different. Suddenly, a wave of 7'0'' skinny small forwards was in vogue led by high schooler Kevin Garnett. With kids leaving school early, as long as they were 6' 10'' or taller, they weren't able to refine their games the way Tim Duncan did at Wake Forest. Now, with even someone like uberprospect Greg Oden going to school, centers won't lose their confidence or their motivation with the guaranteed millions and little playing time that comes with trips to the pros.

My all-nickname team.

Tyrus Tanaka Thomas.
Adam TDSUB Morrison (The Down Syndrome Unibomber. Would anyone be surprised if in eight years, LeBron James opened a letter, a bomb blew off both his thumbs and somehow it got linked back to new Montana resident Adam Morrison...out of the NBA, O.D'ing on insulin.)
Brandon Matrix Jr Roy (He is basically Shawn Marion but the guard version. They even look alike.)
Glen Big Baby Davis (I didn't come up with this one, but it's worth mentioning that he was a 350 pound tailback in high school. Think about that. How did he not score 100 touchdowns a year?)
Tyler Yoga-Necessary Hansborough (I only had four nicknames, needed a fifth to complete the team. And, he should shut his mouth and learn to breathe through his nose.)

And, finally, the section dedicated to players I'll miss. This may seem Big East biased, but so am I. First off, Gerry Mac. You were overrated, but you were clutch. And, that Big East championship run was nothing short of incredible. Yet, it was obvious Cuse was going to get beat in the opening round as an inflated 5 seed facing a big school 12 seed.

Kevin Pittsnogle, Mike Gansey and all those West Virginia seniors. But, mostly Kevin Pittsnogle. As my friend Ethan put it, it's like their white guys are a different breed, just trailer trash, unathletic, forgotten talent. That somehow gelled together and played the game like nobody else. That was the thing about West Virginia. Even if you were up twelve points, it didn't faze them. That really was only four possessions because all they did was shoot threes. They got outrebounded by Texas 43-15 and Texas still needed a miracle three with under a second to go to win. To put this in perspective for a second, on one end of the court, when West Virginia shot, they got outrebounded 26-3. On the other end, with Texas shooting, West Virginia got outrebounded 17-12. And, if you were watching the second half, it was like Texas was a big boys school and West Virginia a tiny co-ed. Texas just manhandled them, and if they didn't turn it over, they would keep rebounding it until they made a shot. But, because West Virginia shot 15-33 from 3-point range, they were able to stay in the game. J.J. Redick would have averaged 45 a game at West Virginia. Which segues to...

J.J. Redick. I never liked Redick. But, I'll miss him and his unreal range, quick release and perfect shot when he's on. If we don't put him on the Olympic team permenantly, we're crazy. And, also, I'll miss Sheldon Williams. His face is so unproportional it has always amazed me. How are his ears so small?

My pick to win it all before the tournament was Uconn over Memphis, I'd love to say that I'm going to stick with it like all writers do, but if I had to pick now, actually, I have no idea.

Prison

2006-03-04T08:51:00.000-08:00

Dear Mom,

How's life on the outside? Thanks for the blondies you sent me, Frank and I really appreciate it. It was a nice curveball from the bread, water and macaroni. To answer your question, yes, I have been trying to catch up on my reading, just finished US Weekly...can you believe they are blaming K-Fed for the Britney Spears debacle? And, Tom and Katie are so breaking up...do you think when that finally becomes public you can send Life & Style and In Touch along with US????? Thanks Mom...and tell Charlotte her big brother says hi okay? I can't believe she's fourteen already! I tried to hold onto that picture you sent me of her (she's getting so mature!) but around here, it was a pretty hot item. Once Frank leaked what I had to the Hispanics, well, I'll save you the gruesome details...but tell Charlotte if she ever wants to feel like Marilyn Monroe, she should get off her high horse and visit!!!!

I know there are worse people I could've ended up with in here. I'm not trying to complain Mom. It's my own fault for being here in the first place and I'm lucky I'm not with a child molester or some other freak. I mean, I could have Bobby C's roommate, the guy who sits on the toilet staring at him, jerking off into each book he gets from the library and quoting Immortal Technique, wide-eyed, "I give life to words! I give life to words!" That would be worse. And, all Bobby did was get third striked for dealing 180 pounds of pot. He doesn't deserve the ass-pounding or getting hit by the droplets of stray sperm. Did I mention Bobby C's roommate "takes advantage" of him when Bobby's not looking? Let's just say Bobby C has come in to the old office for some serious counseling sessions. Yep, being a peer counselor in high school is sure paying off.

So, it could be worse. A lot worse than Frank. Who is pretty merry and philosophical. Around these parts, Frank is known as Play-dough. A play on words about how knowledgable he is and about his ability to assimilate to each and every gang. But, unlike the Blacks, Hispanics or Jew, I have to live in Play-dough's Cave. And, I'm tired of Frank cornering me, tickling me and thinking we're both having a great time. I don't even laugh any more, I'm so sore in my rib cage and above my knees. Unlike Bobby C's punishment which is pretty standard around here, rooming with Frank is both cruel and unusual. No one else around here has to look into Frank's usually mild blue eyes and see the wild hunger underneath; the man overcome with his own desire who cannot control his own fetish for laughter through force. Could you ever imagine your baby boy being treated so?

Look, I adore Frank. And, I don't want to hurt his feelings by telling him how, what's the word, how creepy he is. Frank has a lot of sway with the guards and he could easily get me switched into another cell. Every day I go back and forth wondering which is worse, the tickling or the unknown? What do you think I should do Mom? Please, any advice would be much appreciated.

Only 22 months and 13 days till I'm up for parole!!!!!! Keep those Arthritic fingers crossed!!!!!

Love,

Lionel

P.S. I don't blame you. I never have. You had every right to turn me in and make me live in an 9 x 9 box with another grown man who has a tickle fetish. I love you. Thank you.

I want a girl who cooks and cleans

2006-03-03T12:29:00.000-08:00

Doesn't mean I'm going to end up with one. It's not even priority #1 on the list of what I want in a woman. It's behind looks-well, let's split that up. It's behind the ass and the breasts and the face, so it's not even like Top 5. It's even behind a good sense of humor.

I just think it would be nice. Because it would mean that I wouldn't have to vacuum, make dinner or do the dishes. The whole whomever makes dinner, the other person cleans up the dishes rule really needles me. When you make dinner, yeah it's gourmet, but it involves like eight pots and pans. Sometimes, actually, often, I eat straight up roast beef because I don't want to use bread. Because of the crumbs and that one plate. Does this make me lazy? Maybe. But, if you want to use all those unnecessary pans, one for the sauce and one for the pasta and one for the meat, I mean c'mon, you clean up. I already said it tastes great, isn't that enough for you?

Look, I get it. I pee standing up. So, the only way the toilet and surrounding area gets dirty is if I miss or if one of my friends miss. It is literally impossible for any of the piss around the toilet to be your fault. If anyone should be cleaning toilets here it's me. I still don't WANT to clean it. And, I'm willing to play the "I can live with it if you can" card. Same with the piles of dust under the dining room table, the clothes thrown all over the couch and the piles of trash sitting around the apartment. If you want to get rid of it, no one is stopping you.

What? What? You're going to stop having what with me if I don't help out? I'm not going to get to touch you where and where? For how long? WHAT? Fine. I'll take the trash out. And, where do we keep the Kaboom Thick Cleaning Toilet Cleaner? And, do these knives go in the dishwasher? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please, take me back. I love your laugh. And, your personality. That's what drew me to you in the first place. I LOVE YOU!

Grizzled

2006-02-27T23:00:00.000-08:00

After hearing from the Sports Guy that Grizzly Man was a must-see, my friend Mr. P and I rented it from Blockbuster and watched it. First of all, how is it possible that Blockbuster Online just got going? Did no one over there see that Netflix was going to take over their entire market with the much more convenient online in-the-mail system? Anyway, the Blockbuster experience was a doozy. We had to walk like a mile in New York City, in the cold, only to be told that Mr. P's account was frozen for returning a skipping dvd or something. Stupid.

Then, we watched the movie. Bizarre. Truly Bizarre. And, funny. But, not that great. We decided that had we been stoned or drunk or riding a little white horse named JamesOn, we'll get to JamesOn, Grizzly Man would have been much more enjoyable. Well, I watched Grizzly Man again two nights later on the Discovery Channel, under the influence. It was still just a bad movie about a crazy guy. That being said, anytime I see that it is on television, I will probably stop channel surfing and watch it, mesmerized.

This type of movie needs its on category. A bad movie or sitcom, with no real redeemable characteristics that for whatever reason I will choose to watch over anything else on. And, you have to feel embarassed if someone were to walk in on you watching this. How about we call this a Courtney Love? Ever since the Pamela Anderson roast, anytime Courtney Love has been on the small screen the remote gets put down, the world slows down and all my focus gets turned to her. Yet, she's not that attractive, she's not always entertaining and I'd feel bad if anyone else came into the room and caught me.

One such movie is What's the Worst that Can Happen? starring Martin Lawrence and Danny DeVito. I hate this movie. But, John Leguizamo plays a prominent part in it. And, for whatever reason, it cracks me up everytime he is on screen to turn to the side, as if I'm lecturing myself, and say "Wait, John Leguizamo is in this movie? How come you didn't tell me that John Leguizamo is in this movie? Shit, of course I'll watch it now." At the heart of this joke is the idea that I would never watch a movie just because John Leguizamo is in it, yet, ironically, I do end up watching What's the Worst that Can Happen?, always, because of the joke itself. A joke which isn't even that funny.

Another movie that fits into this category is She's All That. Which is especially strange because I walked out of that movie in the theater and into Rushmore. One of the best decisions of my life. But, if both movies were on television it would be an absolute toss-up. It doesn't matter that She's All That is terrible, the cute girl who becomes the prom queen isn't attractive enough to watch the movie and everything about it makes me cringe. I can't stop from cringing. I have to watch the Freddy Prinze Jr. breakdown scene on-stage with the hackey sack, screaming at himself not to drop it. Everytime Paul Walker has a line I have to get upset, not upset enough to change the channel, just upset enough to groan and wish that he trips, falls and scrapes his knees and elbows every day for the rest of his life.

The ultimate Courtney Love in my life is embarassing. But, true. From Justin to Kelly is both the worst movie I've ever seen and the worst movie I've ever seen six times in one weekend. I could go on and on about it but really, just rent it for yourself and see. I was taught by my screenwriting professor that you are supposed to make every word, every line matter to the driving of the plot. But, in this movie, it's as if they chose the opposite. Nothing makes sense. Nothing is funny. Nothing is enjoyable. A fight happens on PG-13 spring break? There is only one sensible way to solve it. A joust-like event on the water, using a Hovercraft with the goal of the mano-a-mano challenge not being to knock the other man off his hovercraft but rather to throw a ball into a basket on the other person's vehicle as you drive by. The fact that this duel occurs between Justin and a guy who just showed up in the movie about two minutes earlier, even better. The rap at the beginning, the fact that Justin and Kelly are both unattractive, the strange ten minute ending musical where the villain leads the beach in choreographed dance, and best of all the lean-in within inches of your mouth, NOT A KISS BUT RATHER FULL SONG at the climax of the movie, how could I change the channel?

As a teenager, my first Courtney Love springs to to mind. My friend Cross and I were flipping through the channels in the television common room at my school. Sabrina, the Teenage Witch came on. No straight male is confident enough to watch this show, even by himself. With two of us, well, we both disguised our interest by going through the Tommy Boy routine of saying, "Why don't you get up and change it?" "I mean I'm cool with it if you are" "I don't care, if you want to watch it, that's cool with me." When, out of nowhere, Hillary L. walked in, saw what was on and look at us shocked. "What are you doing?" "We're waiting for the pre-game show to come on, it's the Super Bowl in like eight minutes. Don't change it." Cross quickly replied. It was like a Tuesday in April. Hillary wasn't buying what we were selling. "Alright, fine, it's Sabrina, but baseball's coming on at eight, you can change it if you want until then." Hillary went to change the channel. Crossman leapt up from his cheap wooden-framed, stained-cushioned sofa and launched himself at Hillary taking her legs out. I reacted slightly slower and merely let out a yelp of "Actually, don't-Phew."

As for JamesOn. I'm of course referring to JamesOn Curry of the Oklahoma St. men's basketball team. As my friend Dave said, "D'Brickashaw, that's just a ridiculous name, spelling Dwayne Dwyane, strange, but JamesOn??????" Hey Spyder, I want you to meet your younger brother JamesOn. No, no, no, young man, not Jameson, James-ON, like Game On from Wayne's World.

Thoughts on sports

2006-02-21T07:18:00.000-08:00

Despite nothing really happening over the past week, so much has. How is that possible? How does ESPN consistently convince me that unimportant topics, like Shani Davis not doing the team relay in speedskating, fucking speedskating, requires me to spend brain energy or what I like to call brenergy reading article after article. Am I addicted to competition? Do I count your steps and my steps as we walk next to each other and do I make sure we are in sync until the end of each block where I take one big step so I've taken one less than you and therefore beaten you? Yes, but addicted to competition, I don't know.

Do I think that Shani Davis is a prick? Probably. But, I don't really care. I have yet to watch a minute of the winter olympics and to be honest, I'm not about to start. What stories have been worth paying attention to? That one snowboarder Van De Velded, that other snowboarder has red hair, um, that attractive ice dancer won a silver, yep, the US hockey team sucks, the baseball strike drove real fans away, well, the full year hockey lockout made me stop paying attention to hockey, haha, haha, oooh, woooh, stopped paying attention, woooh. What else? A very quotable but flamboyant male figure skater says that all other competitors are playing for second, gets villified, then misses his bus, shows up a half hour late, screws up his long program or was it his short program, well, he screws up male figure skating, and doesn't finish second. Meanwhile, the guy he said was going to win, wins by the largest margin in history. Sounds more prophetic than pessimistic. What does any of this have to do with the fact that Johnny Weir, and yeah, I knew his name the whole time, likes men and fashion? Nothing. Basketball players show up late to games because they are up all night but it's okay because they wear diamond chains and have had sex with like 8 girls the night before? Well, I see that point.

Speaking of which, the NBA all-star game just took place. Here's an email I just got from a friend of mine, she is an asian girl, some names have been changed:

so guess what i did last night? y'all aren't gonna get it, so i'll just go ahead and tell you.
it's all star weekend in houston so there are celebs and parties all over the place. so a friend of mine made reservations at the hilton (where all celebs are staying) saying he's tom smith's (another one of our friend) agent. we're obviously nobodies but they let us in. we rack up a bill at the skyline where we bought ben wallace and his buddies a drink, and took a picture with him and dirk norwinski. so we chill there for a while, like it's no big deal, and then a couple of us decide to crash the t-mobile party. we're obviously not on the guest list but we had a plan. frank (the reservations friend) decides that i should be michelle kwan, him my bf, and our other friend tim the bodyguard. the guest list was all screwed up so we ended up just strolling in there. passed jay-z, beyonce and pharrell, said what's up, and then entered the open bar party. ok, so after it was over, this is when things get crazy. frank is really into me being michelle kwan (which i look nothing like) and gets us a limo ride with this dude called TJ, who's apparently a big deal. we say that something happened to our limo and we need a ride back to the hilton. they buy it, believing i'm michelle kwan and invite us to this after party. so we have no idea where we're going. i'm freakin' out but frank plays it cool (tim left). we're in character, and ppl totally believe us. we end up in jamie sharper's house! ok, so i'm guessing you boys know who he is. i didn't, but that's cool - i'm michelle kwan. he's a football player for the baltimore ravens for those of you who don't know. so we're chillin' at this guys house and talking to his peeps. i mean, it was nuts. people are doing coke upstairs. i was playing it cool but like freakin' out at the same time. i was like wtf am i doing?? i mean i was like, yeah, i don't wanna talk about my injury and career. i'm just laying low for a while, and that's why i'm here dressed down. anyway, we end up leaving as michelle kwan and her bf. hilarious. i mean, we got numbers and the dude TJ even offered us all-star tickets. freakin' nuts!

She literally looks nothing like Michelle Kwan. Nothing. This shows how much respect figure skating gets from other celebrity athletes. Next year, the all-star game is going to be in Vegas. The possibilities are mind-blowing. Where are the parties going to be? Probably at the Palms. I've been at an exclusive party there where in the glass cage in the middle of the circular bar, two woman gave each other sponge baths for like two hours and midgets handed out candy. Did I ask the girls if their fingers were getting pruned? Yes. I've been there sponge bathing for a full audience and I could relate. Was the party for the Deuce Bigalow 2 premiere? Yes. Didn't mean we couldn't have a good time.

Next year, what percentage of players show up bleary-eyed on game day? Will players lie about their profession because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Or will they just go with the sure thing of NBA all-star? Will the Saturday night before the game break the record for most celebrities in one non-L.A. city at one time? Am I going to be there? Probably not. But, that's because as someone who hasn't exercised in 9 months, is unemployed with the prospects of paralegaling on the horizon, well, I don't think I can compete with NBA all-stars. Plus, I have a beatiful girlfriend who I respect and love. That's the real reason.

So, I watched the controversial dunk contest and the rest of the Saturday night festivities. Seeing Dirk win the 3-point contest was pretty cool but if we're going to talk about controversy, his shot to top Terry and make the finals was a full second after the buzzer. Why does no one care? Because unless two guys get really hot, the shooting contest is really boring? Fair. Nash threw the skills competition. He hasn't missed 5 free throws all year. I think Nash is a genuinely good guy and he already did the skills competition perfectly last year. Was there any doubt Wade would beat LeBron? He's about 1 billion times more clutch. After all, even if LeBron won MVP, I'm pretty sure it was Wade who hit the game-winning shot and who was 9-11 from the field. It's too bad these two coudln't have squared off in the dunk finals contest.

As for those dunkers, I didn't think it was that controversial to be honest. For whatever reason, this year, they decided you wouldn't be penalized for missing dunks. Which is too bad, and a year too late, for the Birdman. Did I find it painful watching Nasty Nate miss 13 straight dunks in that dunk-off? Yeah, but his final dunk was still different than his other three. And Iguodala did the same thing he did right before. Plus, I've watched the Dunk contest about 45 times now, and Nasty Nate's dunk over Spud Webb still makes me get out of my chair. The Igoudala dunk from behind the backboard was a ridiculous display of athleticism but doesn't have the lasting power of watching a 5'7'' guy jump over another 5'7'' guy, catch a ball and jackknive dunk it down. Plus, if Nasty Nate hadn't gotten his cocktail fruit what would we Knick fans have? Since AI is taken by his teammate, do you think we can nickname Igoudala the Squirrel Master? What if Kenny Smith had yelled out mid-contest, "You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch!" "No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!" That would've been the greatest moment in history. Kenny almost approached it with his G.O.A.T reference about the only person who could've dunked it from the line Josh Smith put on the court. That was so bizarre. Has no one asked Smith what was going on there? Considering there was no penalty for missing dunks, why not just give it a try? I guess you'd look pretty foolish taking off from a step farther than anyone else has in history and just kind of coming up short and laying it up.

Well, with the Half-Baked talk, it's time. I know. It's sad for you too. But, we have to talk about it. Poor Ricky Williams. Why is marijuana against the NFL drug policy anyway? In the words of Eddie Izzard, if you can smoke pot and still do what Williams does, more power to you. Can you imagine lining up, being stoned across from Lavar Arrington or Ray Lewis? I'm paranoid in the dark. Not stoned. And, if he failed due to some Yoga supplements he's taking, well, that's just not fair. I mean if Rick was going to go out it might've been for a bong rip. And, as a genuinely good guy, if it's not pot, the NFL should consider his appeal and let him play.

So, Barry Bonds is retiring after this year. Sammy is done. Are they hall-of-famers? I think Bonds is and hopefully, a first ballot hall-of-famer. I've never cared if guys are good guys or bad guys when considering how good they were and Bonds was going to be the first 500-500 guy whether he did roids or not. And, my own steroids policy differs greatly from most of America. It doesn't matter if it was illegal in the United States, in the game of baseball it WAS legal. And, lots of players were doing it. Which means that we have to take all of the steroid era's numbers with a grain of salt, but we can still compare players against each other. Some players got siren's x-man power, not that cool, Bonds turned into Superman. And, his 2004 season where he was intentionally walked 120 times and had an over .600 OBP was the most incredible season of anyone in any sport that I've experienced. He turned a team game into an individual one. He would affect the game no matter who on his team was up to the plate. He was always omnipresent, eventually Bonds would come up again. Which meant, sixty percent of the time, the Giants were going to get at least one baserunner. If you take away Bonds 135 hits, he still would have gotten on base 50 percent of the time.
As for Sammy, under this same theory, I think he's a hall-of-famer too. I heard Tim Kurkijand;lkdj on the radio the other day and he said Sammy has the record for home runs over a 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10 year period. My problem with Sosa is that the steroids so obviously made him what he is. Unlike Bonds who was a three time MVP before he turned into Uber-Bonds, Sammy's rise and fall were both so meteoric, it feels like roids played such a big deal, I don't know. Also, is there any doubt that Clemens did roids? Look at his career path, normal stud pitcher falling apart after 12 years in the Majors, then all of a sudden he goes to Toronto and rather than fade into Bolivia, turns around and wins 4 more Cy Youngs. Is that different than Bonds hitting .260, having the worst year of his career before suddenly becoming unstoppable for 5 years at age 36?

Finally, I'd like to close with the feel good story of the week. Darko is free! I've picked up the Human Victory Cigar on my 11 point leading fantasy basketball team and not just to rub in the fact that I could start him and still win, but because he's going to flourish in Orlando. That is my fearless prediction for the year. The Magic win the NBA championship this year. Alright, that won't happen, but Darko will average like 15 or 16 and 10 for the rest of the year. He's 20. Don't forget. And, given an abundance of playing time in a small-market, he's going to join Bosh, Anthony, D-Wade and LeBron as an all-star before too long. Viva la Darko!

Atlanta 99 Detroit 98

2006-02-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty excited that the Hawks beat the Pistons last night. Not just because ZAZA Pachulia, the ugliest guy in the NBA went for 16, 9 and 4 on 5-6 shooting but because maybe it will put an end to the five Pistons making the all-star team talk. What a bunch of crap that is. Here was the end of an article preaching that idea by ESPN NBA Insider Chad Ford:

But the real entertainment would be when the Pistons hit the floor. Can defense, intensity and teamwork beat individual talent?

Those of us who still believe in the purity of the game would like to think it does.

It's up to the coaches, the ones who preach this stuff day in and day out, to show us that it does matter.

Do it for Dumars. Do it for the fans. But most important, do it for the game.

I'm not sure who Ford is kissing up to here or trying to inspire but this makes me cringe. What purity of the game? You mean when blacks weren't allowed to play and everyone played like Princeton? I've watched enough Ivy League Basketball to have a real appreciation for individual talent. Maybe covering the potential of draftees every year has spoiled Ford. I mean, I like watching West Virginia play basketball but just like Kevin Pittsnogle or Mike Gansey isn't the player of the year, Tayshaun Prince isn't close to an all-star. He's a great role player of the Big Shot Bob mold.

If we wanted to see team play, we'd watch the U.S. get it's ass kicked in the International game. And, within the individualistic, clear out, give Iverson the ball and twiddle your thumbs NBA, the reward for team play is a long trip through the playoffs and if you're lucky, an NBA championship. Which Detroit isn't even guaranteed of winning.

I'm all for teaching our kids team play as they grow up and teaching them values and blah blah blah. But, to be honest, since Jordan won his first title in 1991, you could argue the best player in the league has won the title every year with the exception of the 2004 Pistons. (Jordan '91-'93, Akeem "I've always felt it was not up to anyone else to make me give my best." Olajuwon '94-'95, Jordan '96-'98, Duncan '99, Shaq '00-'02, Duncan '03, Pistons '04, Duncan '05) That's a pretty good run for individual talent.

I'm going to my first NBA game this year on Friday. Wizards-Cavs. And, I'm not going to see if the bench players stand up and cheer when Arenas makes a three or if Caron Butler plays proper weakside defense, I'm going to see if Lebron posterizes someone, does something I've never seen before and has a triple-double for my fantasy team. In the all-star game, this is the fan's mindset just completely magnified.

In an EXHIBITION game, without Major League Baseball's "This one counts" mantra, an all-star game has no ramifications. You wouldn't pick Wayne Simien to play in the Rookie/Sophomore game over Channing Frye because Simien plays for a better team would you? Speaking of the Rookie/Sophomore game, can we put an "If your team makes two NBA Finals in your first two years and you are mired on the bench behind the Wallace brothers and the other four players picked in the top five of your draft are LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Chris Bosh and Dwayne Wade, you are allowed to play in the Rookie/Sophomore game as a third-year player" clause for Darko?

There are roughly 240 players in each conference and only 12 make the all-star team. That's the top five percent, making the NBA the hardest all-star game to crack. Just ask the ever-solid Mike Bibby who chose the wrong year to have an off-year, as the Western guards are the weakest they've been in a while.

So, all-stars? Star: Meaning "a fixed luminous point in the night sky that is a large, remote incandescent body like the sun." Errr, I mean, star: "a famous or execeptionally talented person in the world of entertainment or sports." That doesn't sound like Tayshaun Prince does it? That sounds more like Vince Carter or Paul Pierce. Staying with the Eastern Conference, here are my choices. As starters, we were given LeBron, Iverson, Wade, Shaq and Jermaine O'Neal. The commisioner gets to pick Jermaine's injury replacement in real life but for the purposes of this exercise I will play commish as well as all the coaches.

For the reserves, we need two guards, two forwards, one center and one wild-card. Here are the possibilities, Gilbert Arenas, Dwight Howard, Michael Redd, Chauncy Billups, Rip Hamilton, the Wallace brothers, Pierce, Carter and Chris Bosh. Of those ten, we get to select eight thanks to O'Neal's injury. The first guard spot is easy, Chauncy Billups has been outstanding although his play has been slipping a little of late. Since this isn't a team game, the other guard I'd start with is Vince Carter. He absolutely carried the Nets for about a month and as he goes, so go the Nets. At forward, I start out by taking Bosh. He's been the best big guy in the conference all year and, with Jermaine out, if the East wants a chance in this game they are going to need him to defend the stacked Western Conference front court. Next, I take Pierce because I know I'm going to take him anyway and I can't decide yet on Howard vs. the Wallace brothers.

At center, I wish Howard qualified, but technically he doesn't so Ben Wallace makes the team. That leaves Rip, Redd, Rasheed, Howard and Arenas for three spots. I'd take Arenas because he scored 45 tonight, he's averaging over 28 a game now and the Wizards have been playing great of late. Next, I'm going to take one more Piston and although Rip is having just a phenomenal year, Rasheed makes the team because the East is lacking big men. That leaves one spot for Redd, Rip and Howard. Howard is out because well, despite averaging 15 and 12 he feels like a slightly better version of Tyson Chandler. So, it's down to Rip and Redd. Is Michael Redd really almost an all-star? Looking at his stats, he does average 25 a game and is pretty much equal to or better than Rip in every category except for field goal percentage and three point percentage. As many of the so called experts have mentioned over and over again as proof that Rip should make the Eastern team, Rip leads the NBA in three-point percentage. Of course, this is like Rafael Palmeiro winning the Gold Glove playing 28 games at first base. Rip is 33-71 on the season. In comparison, Redd is 90-221 from behind the arc. Despite shooting 40 percent instead of 46, I think it's fair to say Redd's 3-point game has had more affect on the Bucks than Rip's long bombing has had on the Pistons. So, I guess by default, Redd makes the team.

In closing, I take Billups, R. Wallace, B. Wallace, Carter, Pierce, Bosh, Arenas and Redd.

In the West it's a little harder with only seven players to pick, no injuries and no justifiable centers. The starters given to us are S. Nash, K. Bryant, T. Duncan and the inexplicable two Rockets, T. McGrady and Yao Ming.

The contenders for reserve spots are T. Parker, D. Nowitzki, P. Gasol, C. Paul, C. Anthony, M. Camby, A. Kirilenko, M. Okur (just cause he's center eligible), K. Garnett, R. Allen, S. Marion, E. Brand, S. Cassell, and B. Davis. A lot more to choose from.

Starting with the guards, Tony Parker is an easy pick. He's been the best player on the Spurs this year, incredibly leads the lead in field goal percentage and dates Eva Longoria. (By the way, do you remember after the Spurs beat the Nets in the finals, there was all this talk about finding a way to get Jason Kidd in to San Antonio and to replace Parker with him? When that was going on, I remember thinking isn't Jason Kidd's body about to break down and isn't Tony Parker pretty exceptional for a 20 year old foreign kid? I think the Spurs are happy how it turned out.) At the other guard, I take Paul. I know that he's going to have a lot of chances to make it and you have to pay your dues in the NBA...LeBron didn't make it his rookie year, Paul should have to wait to, blah blah blah. The Hornets have a better record than the Lakers. If you took Paul off the Hornets and Bryant off the Lakers which team has a better starting five? S. Claxton, K. Snyder, D. West, P.J. Brown, D. Mason or Lamar Odom, Kwame Brown, Smush Parker, Brian Cook and Devean George? Alright probably the Hornets, but not by much is my point.

At forward, Nowitzki, Brand and Marion are such obvious picks, they're in.

I would love to do what everyone is suggesting which is to pick Gasol or Nowitzki as my center instead of having to include Camby or Okur at the expense of a better player. And, you know what, I think they're on to something. Unlike B. Wallace and D. Howard who are comparable, Camby and Okur aren't in the same league as these other guys, so I'm going to do that. Just for argument's sake, I'm going to put Nowitzki as my center.

That leaves two spots for Garnett, Anthony and Gasol. And some other guys who don't really matter when it comes down to it. Gasol has been awesome this year for a Memphis team that has been great, but looking at the standings they are only one game better than the Nuggets. And, since averaging 20 a game for the first month, Melo has been absolutely rolling. He's averaged nearly 28 a game the rest of the year, looking like he belongs in the same breath as his Eastern Conference draft counterparts, Bosh, Wade and LeBron. Plus, Melo brought Syracuse it's first national title, has the best shoe commercial on television with the walk through his past and I own his jersey. So, he makes it.

It wasn't until Greg Anthony suggested it that it even crossed my mind to leave Garnett off the all-star team. I didn't even know if that was allowed. But, looking at his numbers, they are across the board better than Gasol's. Who I never really liked in the first place. And, isn't that what the all-star game is all about, seeing who you like?

So: Parker, Paul, Nowitzki, Marion, Brand, Anthony and Garnett.

C'mon coaches, do it for the kids.

Sports on Sunday

2006-02-06T08:04:00.000-08:00

So, Tiger won a tournament in Dubai...check. Um, an Alaskan girl won a state wrestling title going 44-4 for the season. You have to feel for the other 103 pound wrestlers in Alaska. Not only are they only 103 pounds but they all got beat by a girl. Can you say swirly? By the way, I just typed swirly + toilet into my google search engine to be sure of the spelling of swirly, and a porno was like fourth on the list. I know porn and the internet go hand-in-hand but, swirly? Fourth?

What else happened in the world of sports? The Clippers beat the Raptors in overtime in front of a crowd of 12. The Clippers are now 11 games over .500 for the first time in franchise history. Is there any player like The Alien Sam Cassell? Is there any wonder the Rockets won those two championships in the Jordan Retirement Era with both Cassell and Big Shot Bob as role players to compliment Hakeem? Or is it Akeem? Who once said those famous words, "I've always felt it was not up to anyone else to make me give my best." I know Sam Cassell feels that way. I know I feel that way.

So, I went over to my friends' (Yes, friends, plural) house to watch the super bowl. Why do we feed into the hype of the super bowl any more? Has there been a well-played super bowl in like five years? Yeah, the Pats-Eagles came down to the fourth quarter, as did Pats-Panthers and Pats-Rams but when was the last time a super bowl went back and forth like the USC-Texas game? I guess Rams-Titans. And, to be honest, I'm not even sure if that was back and forth, I just remember the last play because I've seen it on replay so much, it's burned into my brain. Okay, fine, I could find out if it was a back and forth game, I could do the research in about two seconds on the internet as long as "Titans + Rams + super bowl" isn't mired behind like eight British animal/Olympic God sex sites. Alright, I'll do it. I'll look it up. Turns out, the game wasn't back and forth at all. The Rams jumped out to a 16-0 lead in the usual super bowl fashion of one team plays well the other team freaks out the game is sloppier than any regular season game maybe that's because they randomly have two weeks off in between games cutting off the flow of both team's positive momentum. Then, the Titans began rallying at the end of the third quarter and tied the game midway in the fourth. The Rams drove down and scored and the Titans tying drive ended with that play at the one yard line.

Also, I just looked up that Pats-Rams super bowl and the Pats-Panthers super bowl and all these games are the same...one team takes a commanding lead, the other team rallies late to tie but doesn't have enough to overcome them in the end. It's like life man. Or whatever.

So, onto Super Bowl 40. Yawn. This has been a bad few months for professional sports. The MLB postseason was terrible. Not one interesting series besides for Angels-Yankees. And USC-Texas was about 100 times more fun too watch than Super Bowl 40. I will not participate in roman numerals. They have been efficiently replaced by our base-ten system. So, the Seahawks go ahead 3-0...could have been 7-0 if not for a questionable interference call. I thought it was interference to be honest, yeah, it wasn't much but Jackson did extend his arm and the other guy did fall back a step. Then, the Steelers take a lead on a very questionable Roethlisberdcges touchdown run. I like the play call after Cowher desperately tried to get Bettis in the end zone twice. Also, what are the Seahawks doing on 3rd and 28 letting Ward get open? I know B.R. created a lot of time scrambling out of the pocket and not running over the line, the new white man's qb move used most effectively, ironically by Baldy Hasselbeck, but how do the db's let Ward, B.R's favorite target get open enough to catch that wounded duck?

Still, after the interference call and now the questionable touchdown, the Steelers were assured a victory. My cousin sincerely believes that every super bowl of all-time has been fixed. I don't want to suggest that, but, this one was. With fair officiating and without Jeremy Stevens in on the fix, maybe the Steelers still win but it would've been nice to find out.

Also, after all the statistical research that's been done about coaches being way too conservative on fourth and short, why don't more coaches play balls to the wall football? When the Seahawks had fourth and six inches on their own 26 yard line I understand why Holmgen punted but I disagree with the move. The Hawks had been dominating the game and if they don't make it, the Steelers are already in field goal range. And, even if there was a 95 percent success rate of making on 4th and inches, that five percent chance is too much to risk for the reward of a first down in your own territory or whatever. But, it's 6 inches! Enter swirly into google, pull out a ruler...anyway, my point is, I go for it there. And, the reason coaches don't is because of fear. Say Holmgren does go for it and they make it...the game goes on, no big deal. But, if they get stopped, he gets killed by the media and his fans for the rest of the game. But, do you know what the result was? A returned punt to the 44 yard line and a subsequent drive resulting in a touchdown. Say what you want about the odds of converting on 3rd and 28 and how could he have known that would happen, but why with all the momentum do you not trust the best offensive line in football to get Hasselbeck or the league MVP Shaun Alexander enough of a push to get six inches?

The end of the first half, bad clock mismanagement, what's new? How is it possible that coaches make full out time management mistakes in the super bowl? I'll never understand stuff like that. Have I taken finals where I don't leave enough time for essays? Have I ever taken a microeconomics exam where I'm so out of time and so tired from pulling an all-nighter that I convince myself one of the questions is a trick question and answer that it is unanswerable causing a severe downturn in my grade? I don't want to relive it so don't be an asshole and bring it up. But, that wasn't on national television. And, this was. And, based on Holmgren's weird smile after Pittsburgh called a timeout, I think they were doing the clock running down thing on purpose and planned a running play against a passing defense to get into better field goal range and Cowher caught them and called timeout. So, I think everyone is wrong, including me earlier in this same paragraph, about thinking Holmgren did some terrible job mismanaging the clock. He was playing for a field goal, didn't want the Steelers to get the ball back and he tried to pull the old sneekaroo only to see it blow up in his face. Still, after the Seahawks plan got foiled and the Steelers substituted in a better run defense, the decision for the twenty yard pass to the sideline was mind-boggling. If you want 6 yards to get your kicker closer, than run a play designed to get six yards that has a much higher success rate than a long pass outside the hashmarks into double coverage.

So far, Polomalu and Porter have done nothing, Big Ben has made one play, the Seahawks are dominating in all facets of the game except for their punter can't pin the Steelers deep...and they're losing 7-3.

At halftime, in a battle of good sideline reporters and overmatched ones who get kissed by Joe Namath on national television, Michelle Tafoya interviews a very calm and confident Bill Cowher. If you weren't sure the Steelers were going to come out and dominate after hearing him speak you don't have eight fantasy sport teams in three different sports like I do. His team had just gotten pummelled in the first half and yet, they had a 7-3 lead and all Cowher had to say was something like "As long as Ben calms down and lets the game come to him, we're in great shape. Our defense did a hell of a job holding them to three points." Meanwhile, Holmgren was so busy yelling at the refs, Suzie could barely get a word in. Holmgren didn't even answer her question, he just mentioned that he didn't think Ben's dive was a touchdown. By the way, I guess I'm all for the sexism of men in the booth, women getting two seconds of airtime with meaningless sideline gabber, but I think it's time we let Tafoya do play-by-play. No one is as good as she is at sideline reporting and she always actually brings something to the table. It's astonishing with the Erin Andrews and the Bonnie Bernsteins of the world that Tafoya, a pretty regular looking girl, has gotten to the national stage that she's at. And, it's only because she's about 100 times better than everyone else. Even when she was pregnant and doing MNF from home, they ran a segment of three things Michelle wants you to think about or something and they were usually pretty astute observations. I think I'm about to start MichelleTafoyaInTheBoothCampaignAndSecretFanClub KindOfAttractedToHerImmenseSportsKnowledge.com

So, it's halftime. Another question about the super bowl. I understand that one of the things that makes the super bowl the super bowl is the mystique of the halftime show or whatever but it means that halftime is significantly longer than during a regular game. And, as my friend Ethan said, no decision should be made that compromises the integrity of the game. This would be like if in Yankee Stadium and only Yankee Stadium, they sing "God Bless America" during the seventh inning stretch so the opposing pitcher gets tight because of the extended break and randomly the Yankees hit better in the bottom of the senventh than every other team in baseball. Oh, wait. The Yankees did do that and it caused every team in baseball now to play God Bless America during the seventh inning stretch, only they're all doing it for the wrong reasons. God, I hate the Yankees. But, still, because it's a championship game, of all the games, it should run the most normally, if that makes any sense. Which is another reason not to have two weeks off in between games. As for the Rolling Stones, eh.

The second half. Usually, about the time in the super bowl both teams play cleaner. Starts off that way with Fast Willy Parker busting off a 75 yard run. After the Seahawks don't go anywhere and the Steelers leading 14-3 this game had that blowout feeling. Especially as the Steelers did one of their patented clock running drives. No team in football plays better with a lead than the 'Lers. That's why I was shocked when Cowher called the pass play that resulted in the interception near the Seahawks goal line. I thought for sure he was going to run the ball, if they get in great, if not, there goes forty more seconds off the clock and with a chip shot field goal they would have a 17-3 lead. But, B.R. threw that horrendous pass, the Herndon smartly jumped the route and the whole game changed.

I instinctively hate B.R. I think he seems like a pompous prick. But, he is a winner. Without his season-saving tackle of Nick Harper off of the Bettis fumble, the Steelers don't end up in the super bowl. And, I was amazed once again of his ability to slow the interception return down enough for #99 on Seattle's hamstring to pop and slow the Herndon down enough to get caught from behind. Peyton Manning just lets the guy score because he's worried he'll get hurt being blocked.

It didn't end up mattering as the Seahawks scored on a great pick play that got Jeremy Stevens so open even he couldn't blow it. (My friend Dave called after the game and said, "It was hard for the Seattle receivers to catch anything with their hands wrapped around their necks.)

At, 14-10 and with the Hawks having all the momentum, you knew the fix would come into play. And, it did. After two questionable calls that had both gone the Steelers way, the holding call on the pass to Stevens down to the one solidified that the NFL was rooting for Pittsburgh. With only one boring story of Bettis coming home, played up all week despite the fact that he isn't even a starter, was there any surprise? Still, after the Hawks stalled drive resulted in the interception, what was with yet another terrible call adding fifteen yards on to the return? Hasselbeck, it seemed got a personal foul 15 yard penalty for tackling.

The trick play. I don't understand what the big deal is. About how the Steelers had been practicing it all season and decided to surprise everyone and pull it out right then. As soon as Parker got the ball and headed Randle-El's way, we all knew what was going to happen. Yes, we couldn't predict that Randle-El would throw an absolute perfect in-stride 45 yard strike off the wrong foot but we did know he was going to throw it. Why don't more teams in the NFL run, um Mr. Madden are they called "gadget" plays?

But, at 21-10, the refs weren't done sticking it to the Hawks. After trying to get a dubious fumble called on Hasselbeck and after the Seahawks punt, the refs, once again, for the fifth time in the game gave the Steelers a break. On 3rd and 6, backed up in their own territory and with 5 minutes remaining in the game, the play clock clearly ran out before B.R. called a timeout. Yet, instead of a 5 yard penalty the refs gave the Lers a timeout and on the next play Randle-El caught a screen that went 7 yards. Just pitiful.

I don't want to support makeup calls, but every ref knows that you have to keep it fair. And, these refs were like Mrs. Potter. Who was Mrs. Potter? She was my second grade teacher and the mother of my rival Chase Potter. And, in second grade, when you got in arguments with a classmate, a class court was held to decide who was right and who had to sit in the corner. When Chase and I got into some big fight probably over whether it was okay or not for him to give me swirlies, we went before the court and guess who was found to be in the wrong, not Mrs. Potter's angel of a son.

But, don't worry. In kickball, I once kicked it to my buddy Trevor who threw me out by a mile. But, rather than just step on the bag and get me out at first base, Chase waited in front of the bag for me with a sick twisted grin on his face knowing that I had no choice but to run to him and get tagged. So, I sped up and launched into him, knee to face, knocking the ball free and two of his front teeth out. My knee swelled up to the size of a grapefruit causing me to miss two days of school, I was called out and the entire class gave me those pool volleyball "What have you done Focker?" stares, but as Tupac says, "Revenge is like the sweetest joy next to getting pussy."

Unfortunately, for the Seahawks, with Alexander's impending free agent departure, I doubt they will ever get that chance.

Kobe=MVP

2006-01-22T20:26:00.000-08:00

This is the name of my fantasy basektball team. I don't even have Kobe on my team. But, if Kobe hadn't raped a girl in Colorado and told her to kiss his bloody penis afterwards, everyone would be talking about how he is having one of the best seasons in recent history. I hate Kobe. I think he's a dark, brooding scumbag that cheated on his wife, perhaps doing so without consent, which makes about as much sense as Donald Trump stealing a pack of gum or me looking at your paper in Boggle and seeing you not only had senate but aslo senator and then writing senator down quickly next to where I had senate as I pretend to cross out a word we had in common and adding senators and tan so I get seven extra points to beat you sixty-three to four in that round. Where was I? Oh yes, the point is, when you're as nasty and famous as I am at boggle or Kobe is at bball you don't need to rape girls...just shoot your jumpshot or ask her her name and when she replies Patricia say, "pat, tap, trip, rip, cap, car, crap, trap, par, pair, next name."

I got a little lost there. Here's my point. Kobe has no one else on his team. I'm tired of hearing about Lamar Odom. Lamar (Matt Hasselbeck is sooooooooooo bald. His press conference just started. Sooooooooooooooo bald. I'm officially rooting for Pittsburgh.) Odom does not help the Lakers. And, even if he does, the other three starters, not rotation guys, starters are Chris Mihm, Kwame "small-hands" Brown and the surprisingly compatible to Kobe, Smush Parker. Smush and Kwame. Those aren't even real names, let alond surroudnable talent for Bryant. So, of course, Kobe is taking like 45 shots a game. Take tonight's game. As of right now, the Lakers have 100 points. They are 37-78 from the field which isn't a bad percentage. But, without Kobe, they are shooting 14-40. Or 35 percent for the layman. I'm pretty good at percentages too. Sidenote. God, right now we're missing the natural flow of what many would consider a good article. The Raptors were killing the Lakers and suddenly, Kobe got pissed, took about every shot for twelve minutes and suddenly had scored the last points of the first half and the first 18 points of the third quarter. Well, see, even as I write this, it gets crazier. He's at 64 now. After already having a 62 point outburst earlier this year, is there any question who should be the MVP?

I hate that Shaq had to leave Los Angeles because Kobe is an arrogant prick. I hate that Kobe tried to sell Shaq out and say that he also rapes girls and pays them off. I hate that Kobe can't be himself, he has to imitate Michael Jordan. I hate that Kobe is the best player in the NBA. That he not only is a ruthless killer offensively but, unlike Lebron, can play lockdown D on the other end. I hate that Kobe is 27 years-old, already has three championships and will probably have three more before he's done. I hate that the Raptors are keeping it close tonight so Kobe has reason to keep shooting. Make it 67. I hate Stuart Scott and his fake glass eye. I hate that Kobe now has 72 poins. I hate that there has been one good playoff game all year reaffirming my belief that I only like the NFL for the Jets and fantasy football. I hate that Kobe thinks he's tough just because he's good.

I don't even know what's going on anymore. I don't know why I started this post before the game was over. I don't know why Ben Roethislisdfnberneger has such a fat face. Or why he would grow that ugly chin strap. I don't know why Bettis is getting so much press when he is basically a glorified Zach Crockett. Who has a much cooler name. I don't know why I haven't started watching 24 yet. Especially now that I know that the president on the show was Pedro Cerrano. Did you know that? The same guy who once said "Fuck you Joe Boo, I'll do it myself." Or my favorite, "Jesus, I like him very much, but he no help with curveball." I don't know how to end this whatever it is because it had no middle and no end. But, I do know this. Kobe=MVP.

Sorry

2005-12-13T16:27:00.000-08:00

Sorry mom. I didn't mean to be such a hellrazor. Or is it hellraiser. Either way, I'm sorry. You won't understand. You won't accept my apology. Fine. I don't care. I'm a hellraizer. Cause you razed me that way. I often go up to people on the street and tell them they look fat or frumpy, just cause. They might be anorexic or become anorexic. I don't care. I'm a hellraiser. Sometimes, for fun, I hunt buck and after I've shot the defenseless animal, I'll go up to it and tell it, as it lays dying, hey buck, you look fat and frumpy. Stop praying on the youth of tomorrow buck. What? What's that buck? Well, now this has happened. Now, you're dead. And I'm going to turn you into veal. And eat you. And talk about killing you over a nice game of scrabble with my mom. Scrabble. I often put up over 400 in scrabble. Because I'm a hellraiser. And, I kill bucks. Which creates character and morale as I face long-nailed men who scratch the letters to distinguish the tile difference between an "i" or a "blank" in the midst of a major scrabble tournament. Often, in the middle of scrabble tournaments I'll just get up, flip the board over and tell my opponent I don't care if I get disqualified. Cause I'm a hellraizer. And I don't need to play "Zoa" or "Qat" to feel good about myself. I shoot and kill buck. What do you do?

Me and Tookie. Except he crusades against gangs. What a wuss.

Just some thoughts about sports

2005-09-28T12:18:00.000-07:00

I turned 22 on July 23rd this year. Why do I mention this? Because maybe you'll wish me a happy birthday next year. And, because for the week leading up to my birthday I seriously considered what life would be like if I took a year off from sports. I would have time to read all those books I bought in college and said I'd get around to reading but really I just bought because it made me feel a sense of accomplishment. I mean, just going downstairs in Barnes and Nobles, searching for, and finding books 1 of 9 through 9 of 9 in the Modern American Literature section, purchasing them, and then setting them up on my bookshelf, provided a great break from researching what Kyle Lohse's career numbers were against the Royals. If I were to give up sports, I wouldn't need to know that Lohse is 0-1 with a pretty average era and only one strikeout per every two innings, I wouldn't need to-, phew. I just dropped him from my yahoo league that I have a 18 point cushion in with less than a week remaining in a league where there is no money on the line and I've spent about 425, 426, hours on the past year. If I were to give up sports, I might be able to get a job. I might be able to spend time with my kids.

But, in the end, I decided I couldn't do it. What if this was the year one of my teams ended up winning and I wasn't watching? That would be just too tragic. Plus, I had already agreed to be in two fantasy football leagues and had signed a binding agreement to be in a fantasy basketball league. But, I was willing to risk jail time and get out of the fantasy leagues, I only had to think about my favorite teams and whether they had any chance of winning. At this point in July, as we all know now, the Indians were about 15 games out. Thanks to being the most mismanaged franchise in sports history, the Knicks chances of a championship in the next 5 years are smaller than Mini-Me's dick. (Sidenote: Why haven't we enslaved midgets yet? I think we should just put everything up high and then pinch their cheeks and say, "Okay, you go vacuum the carpet and I'll get you the toothpaste." You know, make all the beds in midget households top bunks so we have to pick them up and put them in bed and in return they have to juggle or something.) As for the Rangers, ha, like I care about professional hockey. Which left the Jets.

After the Doug Brien heartbreak last year, this could be the year. Of course, in my heart of hearts, as a pessimistic Jets fan to begin with, I knew that losing our starting nose tackle, right tackle, Lamont Jordan and having Jay Fiedler as a backup probably would spell trouble. Add in, one of the toughest schedules in the league, Pennington's undisclosed shoulder injury and John Abraham's holdout and this was going to be a bad year. BUT, what if? What if everything worked out and they made a magic run? Well, I should've taken this year off. I can't next year. Because, with one of the top two or three picks in the draft, the Jets are going to get Reggie Bush or Matt Leinhart. I still don't agree with Herm's you play to win the game speech. When you have no chance of winning a championship, isn't it better to lose and get one of those guys that can turn a whole franchise around ala Carson Palmer, Cadillac Williams or Eli Manning?

Anyway. Now, I'm depressed and reading Lolita. So, there's one book down, about eighty-seven to go.

Other sports thoughts.

--I think it's pretty funny that Joe Horn is now calling it a mockery that the Saints had to play in Giants stadium against the Giants in their home opener. After they're awe inspiring upset win over the Panthers, the Saints could win anywhere. But, now that the wheels have fell off and the Saints got destroyed by the Giants and Vikings, it's a mockery. OF COURSE, IT'S A MOCKERY. From the start, it was one of the biggest bullshit decisions by a commisioner in sports history. With only 16 games in a season, the NFL can not afford to give a team one extra home game. Are you telling me there was no other alternative for where the game could be played? C'mon, not one other city in the country was willing to host the game? I'm sure Dallas would've let the Saints play on their home turf to prevent their division rival Giants from having an extra gimme home game. In addition, all the Dallas fans would've been truly cheering the Saints and booing the Giants, so it would've felt like a Saints home game.

--Yesterday, the Jets signed Lord Voldemort again. Last summer, when there was some question of whether to let Voldemort sign with the Cowboys or try to retain the then 40 year-old as a backup, I decreed that if I ever had to watch "He who should not be named" again in a Jet uniform I may give up my allegiance. When he left, I celebrated the end of the Statue Quarterback era. Well, I should've known better. God has a serious sense of humor.

--My fantasy team had an amazing day on Sunday. Then, my buddy offered me a panic trade on Monday that was great for my team and would've allowed me to unload McNabb. Unfortunately, on the phone, I was too excited about it and he quickly reconsidered and withdrew the offer. Then, I find out that McNabb does in fact have a sports hernia and suddenly, I'm screwed. Add this to the Pennington/Fiedler injuries and I wonder what I've done to God lately?

--Miguel Cabrera has work ethic issues and the Marlins are concerned about his attitude. He's hitting like .320 with 32 homers and 112 RBIs. He's also 22 and has started on a championship-winning team. Yeah, he was probably the reason the most talented team in the majors fell apart at the end of the year. The Marlins cite the fact that Cabrera stopped shagging fly balls before games in July and August as a sign that he has let fame get to his head. Well, for the past month, Cabrera has moved to third base and is so clearly Manny Ramirez part deux, the Marlins should shut up and let Cabrera just be what he is: the best position player under 25 in the majors.

--If you were Bud Selig, and assuming that you have your conscience and not his, wouldn't you step in and tell the Padres and the Giants that it doesn't matter who wins the NL West because neither team will be allowed to participate in the post-season? "Sorry guys, but teams have to be over .500 to be one of the EIGHT teams that get to compete for a championship."

--As this season goes on, Chad Johnson is moving from my favorite football player of all-time to that Kenny Lofton rarified air of favorite athlete of all-time. Not only has Chad been on every fantasy football team I've ever had, he continues to be the most entertaining player in league history. He, with the possible exception of T.O., has the best touchdown celebrations since the Icky Shuffle and has an actual checklist of cornerbacks he will face this year and destroy. This guy wears gold teeth every game, talks more trash than anyone, owns like 12 cars, always looks like a third-grade troublemaker and has a blast. I ask again is there a more entertaining player in the league? I hate what the No Fun League represents. A bunch of rich white guys trying to stop enormous black guys from showing off so they can be better role models for the rich white guys' kids who have no chance of making it to the NFL. I say, let them taunt other players, let them celebrate however they want and let them have fun because they work harder than most of us.

--Which brings me to Ricky Williams. He is in a slightly different category, but, also one of my favorite players of all-time. Not because he is on both my fantasy teams (he is), but, because Ricky said, "Look, it's my life, and I don't want to work out all the time and take crushing hits from trained killers like Ray Lewis. I just want to smoke pot and travel." To a lot of beer-bellied, class-skipping sports fans, I ask you this, "When was the last time you worked out for two hours in one day? Or even in one week?"

--Finally, I know it's a little early for NBA predictions but, I want to be the first to tell you that although the experts continually tell you the Nets, Heat, Pistons and Pacers will be the class of the NBA East, the Cavs will at least make the Conference Finals if not the NBA Finals. What were the Cavs missing going into the off-season? Someone who could hit threes to relieve double teams on LeBron and Ziggy and some more rebounding help. Well, Donyell Marshall shot over 40% from three-point range last year and Larry Hughes, whose only weakness as a two-guard is he's not great from behind the arc, is a 6'5'' rebounding force from his position. I know that rebounding help doesn't come from the guard position, but if the Cavs go with the Jordan can bring the ball up theory and have a starting five of LeBron, Larry Hughes, Drew Gooden, Donyell and Ziggy, they'll have no trouble rebounding. And, that's the best starting five in the conference. Remember, it's in year three that players are supposed to explode in the NBA. Think about what Amare did last year. LeBron is going to be uncoverable this year. Ziggy has one year left in his 7'4'' bald eastern European body. And Hughes is an incredible defender. I think him and LeBron were both top five in steals last year. With Gooden not having to be the sole power forward on this team and crazy Anderson Varejo off the bench the Cavs will be very strong.

Alright, well done Dick D.

BLACKOUT 2005!!!!!!

2005-09-13T00:31:00.000-07:00

Like Anne Frank in WWII, I will keep a running diary during this latest world crisis.

1:10 - The power goes out!!!!! I’m in Barnes and Noble. People are freaking out. Babies are jumping out of the windows.

1:11 - The power goes back on. Phew. I go back to my apartment and turn on CNN.

1:25 - Thank God national news has coverage. Traffic Lights are out. People are stuck in elevators. DON’T COME TO LOS ANGELES----THERE WILL BE TRAFFIC.

1:30 – Although my microwave is working, due to laziness and depression, I’m eating uncooked Ramen with yellow mustard. In the face of Blackout 2005, things are looking bleak.

1:35 – Preparing for the long haul, I go on the Internet and order one of those Japanese inventions that takes small pieces of soap and smushes them together making one large multi-colored bar.

1:40 - I change the channel to Eye for an Eye with Judge Extreme Akim who holds a bat that reads “Justice” and presides over the case of Thomas v. Thomas where the plaintiff is suing the defendant for ruining her wedding by using the open bar to get drunk and spread rumors such as “She said, ‘I won’t be able to please my man.’” I hope President Bush is watching...Judge Akim has Supreme Court written all over him.

1:43 - How could I be so insensitive to spend three minutes away from the national tragedy occurring in my own city? I pray for forgiveness.

1:46 - CNN explains what to do in the face of traffic lights being out. On screen we see an intersection running smoothly with a working traffic light.

1:50 – I’m gathering up the kiddies, we’re headed to the bomb shelter.

1:52 – Plan aborted. The traffic to the shelter is unimaginable. God Damn you El Nino.

To My Unborn Child

2005-08-28T10:03:00.000-07:00

Dear Spy,

I expect a lot out of you my son. Like hitting the inside corner of second base every time you run from first to third on a ball hit to right field. Like learning a foreign language at an early age, such as Spanish, so you can go abroad to Africa and stop Aids. Like never letting an eleven year-old girl named Ginger outdrive you. Ever.

Sidenote: Have lots of sex. Just crazy amounts. Make her call you Dick D. No, wait, don't. Your mother wouldn't approve. Try the old' heroine binge. I never did. Someone should. Actually, don't do that either. I'm sorry Spy, father must put his foot down sometime.

Spy, just forget the whole sidenote.

If you don't meet my expectations, I will ground you. Someone up above named Jesus Christ gave me that authority. And you know what that means. Push-ups. From age four. They'll say, "That Spy, from the time he could walk he could bench 150." Either that, or they'll shake their head and just say, "Pussy."

Your dad,

Dick D.